EI: Dimension two - How to express feelings: ten tips

Dimension two on the Genos emotional intelligence model is expressing feelings. Here are ten tips on how to do this well.

Tip 1: Know how you are feeling - exactly.

Emotional intelligence has many layers of skill to it. The first level is being aware of your feelings, and doing this in each moment as they arise and change. This isn't always easy when you are busy as it requires high levels of sophisticated self-awareness.

There are also many different feelings, and to become sophisticated in emotional literacy means being able to differentiate between one feeling and another, and quickly. Knowing exactly which feeling it is can help you to understand why you have it, how to express it and how to best manage and move through it.

If you are going to express your feelings intelligently then naming the exact feeling is important. This means you need to be able to select out an emotional word, such as, I feel ... hurt, sad, dismayed, put-down, loved, embarrassed, proud, insulted, annoyed, isolated, thwarted, delighted, exasperated, etc.

(By the way, there may be more than one emotion at the same time. They don't fall out of the hat in perfect order, one at a time!)

Tip 2: Separate out your feelings from a judgement of others.

It is very easy to blame others for your unpleasant feelings. However, part of being emotionally smart is being able to take responsibility for how you feel, to own your feelings as yours, and not to blame someone else for them. It also means being able to work out how you contributed to these feelings arising.

If you hear yourself complaining, "You were so aggessive", you are judging others and discussing a behaviour, not a feeling. If you say, "I felt vulnerable", you are describing your own feeling. "You make me so angry", is blaming someone else. "I am angry", is owning your own emotion. Saying, "Your behaviour was wrong", has no feeling or emotion word in it at all and is simply an accusation that is likely to make another person defensive and angry too.

Saying "good work, well done" is not a feeling. Saying "I'm proud of you for meeting the deadline under such tough circumstances" is a feeling.

Separating all these different aspects will help you to express your feelings more clearly and wisely, so that you build rather than destroy relationships.

Tip 3: Work out why you feel as you do.

When you know how you feel and you've identified the specific emotion or emotions involved, the next step is to work out why you feel the way you do.

If it is an unpleasant feeling it may appear to be because of a specific action that someone else took at a particular time. However, our emotions are seldom so simple. Sometimes they may build up one step at a time until finally a strong emotion "pops out" at an incident. It may seem like that incident is fully to blame for your reaction but on reflection it may not be.

We often take our history with us to an event and it is the history that may primarily be contributing to our emotional reaction rather than the actual incident itself.

We all have triggers. What lies behind each trigger can be a multitude of contributing factors. When you separate these out you are in a much better position to work out the best way to express your feelings so that you build rather than destroy relationships.

Tip 4: Choose the vehicle of expression.

There are many ways to express feelings. Expressing unpleasant feelings, in particular, does not need to involve anyone else, although it may. There are many options. You don't automatically have to tell someone.

For example, if you feel angry, you might:

	Write down a free flow of consciousness in a journal.
	Yell at the ocean.
	Write a letter to the person involved and then trash the letter without sending it.
	Talk it through with someone else.
	Paint how you feel.
	Simply name your feelings.

In contrast, if you feel love, appreciation or pride then this may be the time to tell people. Or you may write them a letter, write them a poem, send them a bunch of flowers with a card, and so on.

I have also used paintings to express feelings. I used to stand on one side of a room and throw paint onto a canvas from the other side of the room. It's a far more intelligent way to deal with rage than thumping someone, and so much more fun.

There are many ways to express feelings. The more options you allow yourself the more chance you have of expressing feelings in the best way possible.

Tip 5: Expressing feelings in writing.

There are many ways of expressing feelings in writing.

For example, you might be furious with someone. Getting out some blank pieces of paper and writing down all your feelings about the situation, what was said, what happened, and about the people involved is a valid way of expressing feelings. Please note though, this does not mean you send it to them.

I have often used this way of expressing feelings and find it quite cathartic. I express everything safely. I don't hold back. I can "say" what I want, about whom I want, safely.

What I've found by doing this, without editing, without planning and without stopping, is that my emotions move through me. I then come out on the other side with a much greater understanding of what was going on for me in that situation, and all the complexities, influences and triggers of my feelings.

I also find that I move through the feelings quickly and they dissipate. I have acknowledged the feelings. I have understood them and I have expressed them safely. I then need to do nothing but crumple up the piece of paper and put it in the bin or the fire (safely), or even flush it down the toilet.

Just because you feel it doesn't mean you have to tell someone.

Tip 6: Learn from your feelings.

Expressing feelings is not a means to an end. Sometimes wanting to express your feelings to someone can simply be a knee-jerk reaction to hit back because you feel hurt, stupid, or embarrassed, for example.

Feelings contain important data. What may be far more important is that you learn from your feelings. Once you have identified how you feel and why you feel like that, then you can learn from them.

For example, let's say you feel hurt by what someone has said. You want to blame him or her and seek a way of getting back. You are ready to send off a nasty email complaining to them about their behaviour. STOP.

Instead, work out what you can learn from the situation so next time you respond differently, or are faster at recognising your feelings, or you know how to avoid such a situation arising again.

This is the value of feelings. They contain such useful information to help us continuously learn and improve. When you can benefit from them in this way you are truly emotionally intelligent, and expressing feelings will help you.

Tip 7: Expressing appreciation.

Expressing feelings is not just about unpleasant feelings but pleasant ones as well. How well do you express your feelings of pride, affection, joy, delight, admiration, enthusiasm, satisfaction, appreciation, contentment and ease?

Do you express your appreciation for your employees, your team mates, your colleagues, your partners, your children or your in-laws?

Why is this important? Because if you don't, they may feel taken for granted, undervalued, unloved, ignored, used, or lack trust or confidence in you.

If this happens they may then become unproductive, disengaged, disruptive, disobedient, argumentative, or difficult to work or live with. Why risk this?

The ability to express feelings is not just about being able to say when you feel displeased, annoyed or put-out. It is about being able to express the full range of feelings.

Can you express all feelings or do you limit yourself to a chosen few? Start to observe which ones you express clearly. I don't mean indirectly or via hinting, but openly, clearly and respectfully saying how you feel.

Tip 8: Express with a gift PLUS words.

Expressing feelings of appreciation, pride and love through the giving of gifts is a time honoured tradition. However, what you do when you give the gift makes an enormous difference. Simply giving a bunch of flowers and saying, "I thought you'd like these", or presenting a certificate at work for employee of the month and saying, "Congratulations, job well done" is not a clear expression of your feelings.

When you give the certificate, if you add the words, "I appreciate the hard work you've done, I'm proud of you", you've expressed two emotions, appreciation and pride.

If you say, "I love you. I feel so happy when I'm with you", when you give the flowers, you've expressed two feelings, love and happiness.

In other words, expressing feelings clearly is about actually articulating and using a vocabulary of feeling words. When these are used, there can be no misunderstandings. It is clear how you feel and people are not left trying to figure it out.

How clearly do you express feelings? Jot down the actual emotional words you use in the next month and see how many are true expressions of feeling or are just comments on people's behaviour, e.g. "good job well done", or "great food", or "good kid".

Tip 9: Choose your time and place.

When and where you express your feelings are very important. Some people would be totally embarrassed if their CEO stood up in a meeting and said how proud he or she was of them. In contrast, if the CEO stops by their offices and tells them in private it may be deeply rewarding.

Getting the timing right is also important. Festering on an incident and then not expressing your irritation or annoyance until much later may take people by surprise and be hurtful. Expressing your feelings as the situation arises, or when you next see the person (if it is soon after) may be a far better time for you to explain your reactions to an event. Delaying the expression of feelings can minimise the benefits.

Of course, if you are furious, it can be good to calm down first to make sure you don't say something that will simply inflame the situation.

How quickly do you express your feelings? Do you take the timing into consideration? Would you get better results if you altered when and where you expressed your feelings?

Tip 10: Express feelings face-to-face.

I do not recommend expressions of unpleasant feelings, such as annoyance, or anger via email, text or fax. Expressing feelings when they are critical or unpleasant, in particular, are best not delivered in this way.

My test for this is one of courage. When you are about to express your feelings of annoyance via email or text, ask yourself this one question: "Do I have the courage to tell this to him or her face-to-face (or at least over the phone)?" If the answer is "no" then I suggest this is not likely to be an intelligent way to express your feelings.

Emotions are usually best expressed when the other person has the opportunity to read your non-verbal signals, whether they are of admiration or annoyance.

Emotions are also best expressed when the other person has an equal opportunity to respond person-to-person with you. In this way you can talk things through.

Expressing feelings together in a shared situation can help reduce misunderstandings, misinterpretations and the escalation of conflict (unless in situations of abuse, potential violence or bullying).

Share the pride. Bask in the love. Discuss the resentment.