Emotional Intelligence Matters

Welcome to Emotional Intelligence Matters

Here you will find many of your questions about emotional intelligence answered. What is Emotional Intelligence? What influence does it have? How can you develop it? And more.

First though, let's look at the role that emotions have in our lives, as this will help set the context for understanding Emotional Intelligence / Emotional Quotient (EI / EQ).

Do Emotions Matter? Many of us have been brought up to believe that emotions get in the way and need to be controlled. However, there are other ways to look at emotions and their value. Have you ever heard information about something that would be good for you and done nothing with it? Take exercise for instance. Do you know that exercise is good for you? Have you heard that a normal person needs to exercise regularly, say three times a week? You probably do know this information - there have been so many health promotion advertisements it is hard to not know. This means you have the knowledge. My next question is this: Do you do these things? Do you exercise regularly? If you don't, why not? Is it because you can't be bothered? You don't like it? You don't enjoy it? You don't care? Is there something else such as watching the television or having a glass of wine that you are happier doing? Notice that these reasons all contain emotions. "Enjoyment" is an emotion. "Can't be bothered" is an emotion. "Happy" is an emotion. Those of us who don't exercise usually do so because of our emotions. Thus emotions matter. They influence what we do. If you were determined to get fit, enthusiastic about exercise, were scared you'd get sick if you didn't exercise ... you'd find the time. "Determined", "enthusiastic", and "scared" are all emotions. Emotions can motivate us to do good things. It is our EMOTIONS plus knowledge that most often determine our behaviour. If all we needed was knowledge (and our cognitive intelligence) then no-one in our country would get drunk, speed their cars, smoke or eat high fat foods. Emotions do matter. Emotions also provide us with valuable information. For example, if you are about to hand in an important report to a senior manager and you feel a twinge of anxiety, you may pause. The anxiety contains information telling you to be careful. Thus you go and check the report and find an error. Without the anxiety you may not have looked again. The feeling of anxiety was a valuable warning. Had you ignored the anxiety or "controlled it" you might have handed in a dud report. Rather than ignoring emotions, or "keeping them under control" we need to acknowledge their importance in our lives and manage and respond to them intelligently.

Since when have emotions mattered at work? Don't they just cloud the issues? You may be wondering what role emotions have in the workplace. Or even, do emotions have a place at all at work? Many of us have been brought up to believe that we should leave our emotions at the door as we enter work. This has certainly been the bias in anglo-saxon and other cultures in the past. Instead of emotional knowledge and skills, most of us have been brought up on a diet of IQ tests, rational logic, linguistic skills, spatial-perceptual tasks and the like. These are all still important. Technical skills are still important. Your personality is important. Your cultural background, your life experiences, your religious beliefs, your gender - all these and much more, are also important. And so is your Emotional Intelligence. And so are your emotions, even at work. If you or your staff felt enthusiastic, passionate, keen, determined, proud or confident about their work, why would you want such feelings to be left at the door? These are all emotions, and emotions that may help people to do their jobs well. Similarly, if a member of staff had an angry customer on the phone and they felt calm, patient and unruffled, it would be an advantage, wouldn't it? The important point is that our emotions influence our behaviour, even at work. If we approach a meeting confidently, we are more likely to speak out. If we feel intimidated, we are less likely to be innovative and productive. If we are frustrated, do we work harder or less? Emotions make a difference to our productivity, our ability to work as a team and our ability to relate to clients and customers. Not convinced that emotions influence behaviour? Consider this then: what do you do when you feel bored? If you ask most people what they do when they are bored - they say they quit. They stop what they are doing even if it is potentially beneficial for them, such as studying, meditating, writing a long report or documenting policies and procedures. They let the feelings of being "bored" dictate their behaviour. They seldom stop to ask the question "why?" because they do it so automatically. Feeling bored can make a significant difference to their productivity levels at work. Emotions influence your behaviour at work, and also the behaviour of your staff, managers and executives; your clients, customers and stakeholders; your suppliers, your shareholders ... indeed everyone with whom you come into contact at work. Emotions can make the difference: Between success and failure. Between having a productive workforce or a workforce in conflict. Between being at work and being off sick. There is clear evidence that emotions can influence us in a positive way. Hence our need to become emotionally intelligent. Let me give you another work example. Let's say at work you were wanting to develop a value of openness amongst staff and that you had a corporate value around trust and honesty. Do you think you can establish such values easily in the workforce without also taking into account the emotional environment in which your staff work? People have certainly tried to – but failed. Imagine trying to promote openness amongst staff when they felt insecure, threatened or undermined. It would be difficult, wouldn't it? Are you more likely to develop a sense of openness when staff feel validated, valued, respected, significant, heard and appreciated? Yes, of course. Emotions can make a big difference to your achieving your values. Emotions do matter at work. Emotions are a vital ingredient in: Successful customer service and sales Managing and working with people Working with a team Decision making, and, Coping with pressure and stress.

SELF TEST: Why do emotions matter at work? Let me help you come to your own conclusions by asking you some questions. If you walk into a meeting, does it help you or hinder you if you are able to read what's going on beneath the surface, or does it make no difference? If you are leading your staff through change, will they be more co-operative if they trust you or are suspicious of you, or will it make no difference? If you are giving a presentation do you do a better job if you are nervous or relaxed, or does it make no difference? If you are anxious are you likely to find it easier or more difficult to operate a piece of equipment, or will it make no difference? If you are at a meeting and you feel intimidated, will it affect you in anyway or will it make no difference? If you are motivated and excited by a project at work would you work differently than if you felt over-controlled or indifferent? Or would it make no difference? Are your customers more likely to value your service if you remain calm when they complain or if you get impatient with them? Or will it make no difference? Did the emotions make any difference to you? If so, then emotions do matter at work, don't they?

Is there any scientific evidence for Emotional Intelligence? Yes! The latest research from Swinburne University in Melbourne shows that successful CEOs and senior managers in Australia have levels of emotional intelligence above that of the general workforce. They've also found that employees who have higher levels of emotional intelligence are more likely to Cope with organisational stress Have less absenteeism, and Higher job satisfaction. This is only one tiny part of the ever increasing research on Emotional Intelligence. Dr. Ben Palmer, Professor Con Stough and their team at Swinburne University are extensively researching the area in the workplace. They have differentiated seven dimensions of EI and developed an assessment tool to measure each one. I have personally been trained by Dr. Ben Palmer and use the seven dimensions to help people develop their EI to an even higher level. Other leading researchers include: Joseph Ciarrochi, from the University of Wollongong, who is an expert in how emotions influence thinking. John (Jack) Mayer, from the University of New Hampshire, who is a pioneer in the area. Howard Gardner, who has done work on Multiple Intelligences. Paul Ekman, who is an expert on emotions and their facial recognition. and, many, many, more - there are too many to list! I cover more of the research in our EI Courses

So what is Emotional Intelligence? Emotional Intelligence is far more than just how you feel or what mood you are in. It's more to do with how well you: recognise and understand emotions. understand the impact that subtle emotional shifts have on reasoning, memory, problem solving and other cognitive functioning. understand how emotions influence behaviour. manage to successfully integrate cognitive and emotional functioning to get the best behavioural outcomes. Here's my definition! Very simply put, Emotional Intelligence is your potential and ability to: know how you and others feel recognise the value and significance of these feelings be able to incorporate them wisely into your thinking and decision making processes express them safely and productively manage your and others' emotions productively so they help rather than hinder your work, relationships and life. Salovey and Mayer have a much more thorough explanation, which clearly shows the multiple levels of skills required in order to be emotionally intelligent. They identify 16 different aspects of E.I. A copy of their skills breakdown will be given to you in the customised course Mastering Emotional Intelligence.

What skills are involved in emotional intelligence? Emotional Intelligence is not just one skill but a whole set of skills. Some of the skills involved include the ability to: differentiate one feeling from another. stay open to your own and others' emotions. accurately use a widely differentiated vocabulary of feeling words. have significant levels of insight into yourself and others. recognise how you are feeling from moment to moment. understand why you are feeling the way you do. manage your own emotions safely. accurately understand how someone else is feeling. respond with understanding to others' emotions in 1-1 situations and groups. have significant levels of knowledge about emotions. be able to read other people accurately. predict accurately, how other people may react and feel in response to decisions you have made or views you will express. incorporate accurate emotional knowledge and data into decisions involving yourself and other people. use emotional data and knowledge to help you choose the best decisions and communication style. manage your own emotions even in negative situations. manage the emotions of those around you. know the best mood for a task. facilitate your own mood shifts so you are in the best mood for a task or situation. use all these skills to arrive at the best possible personal and organisational outcomes.

It's all a bit warm and fuzzy, isn't it? No! I'd say managing your emotions can be quite challenging and confronting. Making and graciously carrying out an emotionally intelligent decision can be very difficult when you'd prefer to do the opposite. I can't see anything warm and soft about staying open to another person's anger when it is directed at you - it takes a lot of courage. The ability to notice very subtle emotional cues in others, when they last for only a few milliseconds on people's faces, requires sophisticated observation skills, especially if you are also talking to them at the same time. Feeling resentful against someone and being able to shift into a more productive emotion in their presence requires great skill not warmth. Knowing exactly which feeling you have and differentiating it from the hundreds of other possible emotions requires very high levels of clarity not fuzziness.

What EI / EQ isn't: It isn't a fad, a technique or the latest management method - it's an intelligence, just like IQ is an intelligence. It is not about dumping your feelings on others. It isn't about telling everyone when you're angry with them or blaming them for making you angry. It is not about whether you feel emotions or not. Two people may both be angry, one may handle it intelligently the other may not. It is not about saying one emotion is better than another. It's not about being "emotional." It isn't for some people and not for others - we all have some to varying degrees. It isn't about making emotional decisions. It's not about having "emotional problems." Nor is it about group hugs, being warm and fuzzy, "being positive" or making everyone happy. Emotional Intelligence is about the interaction between, or the combination of, emotions PLUS INTELLIGENCE. It is an intelligence. It is how perceptive you are with emotions, what you do with your and others' emotions, and the extent to which you apply accurate emotional knowledge to your thinking and decision making, that makes it emotional intelligence.

Where did the concept Emotional Intelligence start? Very briefly, the concept of Emotional Intelligence is attributed to Peter Salovey and John Mayer in 1990. Their work is well worth a read. They have since produced an Emotional Intelligence Assessment - the MSCEIT. (This is one of the assessments I have been trained in by Dr David Caruso.) Their work and the concept of Emotional Intelligence was then made popular by Daniel Goleman. He successfully brought EI into the public arena. Sadly, in my opinion, some of the claims made by Goleman and his team, regarding the importance of EI, are overstated. This is because their definition of EI moves beyond the original definition of EI by Salovey and Mayer to include an array of personality traits, social skills and many other features of human behaviour. Go to the work of researchers such as Salovey and Mayer to find more exact definitions and measurements. These variations mean you need to choose your EI assessments carefully and you need to know what model of EI underlies the various claims about EI that are made. In my courses and 1-1 sessions, I work hard to ensure that what I bring you is up-to-date scientific research so you can move beyond the myths and exaggerations found in the media and get to the truth. There's a lot more to the history than this and I cover a longer description in the customised courses Mastering Emotional Intelligence.

What kind of emotional knowledge can I gain? Emotional knowledge forms an important foundation for other aspects of emotional intelligence. Your level of knowledge will influence your overall emotional intelligence. There is more and more research being conducted into emotions, and therefore more knowledge becoming available, such as: how emotions arise how they change from one emotion to another, and how one is connected to another. Also, the new research can challenge our previous thinking about emotions.

Are emotions positive or negative? Traditionally, we have spoken about positive and negative emotions. The implication has been that some are good and some are bad. This is still current in some people's minds. I would like to challenge this thinking. Can emotions accurately be separated into positive or negative ones? I think feelings are just that, feelings. They are not negative or positive, they just are. Why do I say this? Because there is no one way to respond to emotions, rather it is what we do with our emotions that matters. Having an emotion is not a problem. Dealing with it in an emotionally unintelligent way is. For example, anxiety may be considered a "negative" emotion and yet a bit of anxiety makes sure I am not late for work. A lot of anxiety, in the form of panic attacks, turned my life around. Does this make anxiety positive or negative? Confidence may be considered a positive emotion, yet being confident when you are unskilled could lead you to take risks. Many of our teenagers feel confident driving a car and they kill themselves in a car crash. If only they felt more anxious or vulnerable they might have driven safely and still been alive. Does this make confidence positive or negative? It depends on what we do with our confidence, doesn't it? Happiness is a positive emotion but it may lead to complacency. Anger may lead you to correct an injustice. Does this make them positive or negative? I know some people, who having been depressed, have changed their lives for the better, much better. Does this make depression a negative emotion? I think labelling emotions as negative or positive can be dangerous. It can lead people to fear the so called "negative" ones and lead them to repress them if they do arise. And this can stop them from seeking help when they need it. When we label emotions as positive, it can also produce problems. For example, we may invest a lot of time, and even money, trying to find and feel them. We may even risk our lives when we want to feel excited, stimulated, challenged or "on a high". The desire for excitement can also lead people into danger.

I'm more emotional than my partner - am I therefore more emotionally intelligent? Being emotional doesn't mean you are emotionally intelligent. Feeling an emotion doesn't mean you are emotionally intelligent. Controlling your emotions doesn't mean you are emotionally intelligent. Having emotional knowledge doesn't mean you are emotionally intelligent. Always being "happy" doesn't mean you are emotionally intelligent. It's what you do with the emotions that shows whether you are emotionally intelligent or not. Thus two people may both know they are angry and have emotional awareness of it. How they respond to this anger is what will show whether they are emotionally intelligent or not. However, the person who knows they are angry (i.e. who has the emotional knowledge) is still one step ahead of the person without it! Similarly, one person may feel hurt and cry. Another person may feel hurt, say nothing, and give no outward indication of it. The first response may be emotional but does that mean it's emotionally intelligent? No, not necessarily.

Can I develop my emotional intelligence or am I stuck with what I've got? Many of us learn about emotions and emotional intelligence within our families and while at school. What did you learn? The good news is most of us are born with far more EI potential than is ever realised. Few of us have ever reached our EI potential, as most of us have not been encouraged to develop the emotional intelligence we were born with. For example, we may have been brought up in a family that: repressed emotions, or turned anger against others, or "rationalised" all their decisions. In this kind of environment it may be difficult to have our EI potential realised. Consequently, once we become adults, our Emotional Intelligence may still develop and increase. Our potential can still be polished. That's where we can help you.

How can you develop your emotional intelligence still further?

1. We can organise an in-house Emotional Intelligence seminar for you at your workplace. We conduct in-house Emotional Intelligence seminars for private groups and organisations. For example: EI 1: Mastering Emotional Intelligence. EI 2: Reading people right. EI 3: Optimism, motivation and relaxation: Developing Emotional Resilience - even when the pressure is high. EI 4: How to keep your cool - even with irritating and angry people. EI 5: Coping with change in an emotionally intelligent way. EI 6: What every Executive needs to know about applying Emotional Intelligence in their organisation.

2. You can learn from your very own Emotional Intelligence books and CDs. There are three key CDs and books to help you. 1. Happy Not Hassled: Using meditation to manage your emotions and find contentment Many of our emotions manifest in our minds. We think something negative and we become irritable. Similarly our emotions affect our thoughts. We feel sad and our thoughts become gloomy. Meditation is a way of training your mind so you have greater control over it. In this way it can help you reduce emotions such as anger, anxiety and irritation. In contrast, it can help increase feelings of calm, peace and contentment. In this two CD set you will hear many tips on how to relax your mind and body, stay calm, de-stress and unwind. You'll also hear how to use these meditations, and other methods, to manage your emotions, reduce anxiety and anger, and stop the little things getting to you. Order Now!. 2. How to deal with difficult people AND NOT GET UPSET. If someone makes a snide remark, how do you react to it - do you feel hurt? compassion for the other person? or angry? Your emotional reaction will make a difference to how you respond. Our emotions influence our communication and our reactions to other people. The strategies on these CDs will help you manage your emotions in negative situations so that you find it easier to brush off negativity and remain at-ease and unaffected. You'll hear practical and successful strategies for staying in control, overcoming negativity and not taking things to heart. At times hilarious, at other times serious, but at all times inspirational. Learn how to let things wash over you like water off a duck's back. This is an essential skill in emotional intelligence development. Order Now! 3. Midlife and Happiness. One of the difficulties for many of us is that other people tend to keep their emotional experiences to themselves. This means that we seldom have others to learn from, or any kind of barometer to measure our own emotional health and intelligence by. This book, in contrast to many books and people you meet, is emotionally raw and honest. Fourteen men and women, over the age of 40, have written about their emotional journeys and how they have dealt with the obstacles they have met. It includes chapters on overcoming anxiety, stopping sleeplessness, finding contentment, managing divorce, beating breast cancer, developing a spiritual home, and more. Seven of the chapters are about my own life and my journey in developing my emotional intelligence in my 40s. It shows just what determination and perseverance can do and the rewards that follow. I have come a long way and there is still more to do - but we are all works in progress. Order Now!

3. You can have your Emotional Intelligence assessed There are an increasing number of Emotional Intelligence assessments being developed, including the GENOS 360 assessemnt, and you can have an assessment conducted. Once this is completed you then receive a 2 hour coaching session to learn of your results and to polish your EI. The details follow, for you. When you have your Emotional Intelligence assessed on the 360 Genos EI model and have your scores compared to other Australian executives and leaders; or other Australian workers. You can find out what others think of your EI performance. You can learn about your results by going through them with a Genos EI trained consultant. You can develop understanding of the significance of your results in the workplace. You can gain insights into ways to further develop your emotional intelligence. EI assessment and coaching: There are two stages involved. Firstly, the administration of the assessment. Secondly, a 2 hr session with me to go through, discuss and receive coaching on the results. The assessment is conducted before the session and a minimum of 6 weeks must be allowed between the start of the assessment and the coaching session. You need to have a minimum of 8 people willing to assess your EI. The assessment is done via computer so you and the people assessing you can be anywhere in the world as long as they know you well enough. The results discussion is best done face-to-face but can also be conducted over the phone, if need be. Your EI assessment fees: Two fees are involved. Firstly the cost of the Genos EI assessment and then the cost of the two hour, 1-1 session with me. The assessment fees for the Genos 360 degree feedback instrument, with up to 12 people rating you and an 18 page report and your results benchmarked against Australian norms, (either Executive norms or general workplace norms): $395 per person. This covers the administration of the assessment. The fees for the 2 hour results and coaching session for individual analysis and feedback on the results, are as follows: On your premises in Perth, Western Australia: $540 plus 10% GST per hour = $594. A 2 hour session is $1188. On our premises in Kelmscott, Western Australia: $225 per hour, plus 10% GST = $247.50 per hour. A 2 hour session is $495. Over the phone: A 2 hour session is $425. Client to pay for the phone call. Bookings We require full payment on booking the GENOS EI assessment. Please book in on our on-line bookings page. Once it is booked the process is started and continues over a number of weeks. This fee is therefore non-refundable. Once we have agreed on a session time with you, please book in on our on-line bookings page. Call us now to book your assessment and session. NB: Please do not cancel or change appointments once made, if at all possible. Sessions cancelled within 7 days of the appointment will still incur the full session fee.

Where can I get more information? Sign up now for our fortnightly newsletter: CONFIDENCE 4 U. It covers Emotional Intelligence and confidence tips every fortnight and it's FREE! There's a jokes section too. Read past editions of the Confidence 4U newsletter. They have covered many EI/EQ topics. They are all available for you to read here. They include, for example: Emotional Intelligence - how not to stew in your own juice. Emotional Intelligence - what is it and can you have some more? How to manage anxiety and nervousness - an emotionally intelligent approach. How to work with negative people, (without getting angry). How to stop feeling inadequate. Let happiness rule in 2008! Emotions: How to handle them. Five ways to feel easy with silence. Six ways to manage guilt well. How not to get upset with difficult people. How to be happy every day, not just at Christmas. How to avoid getting irritated and stressed. Men do have feelings. Why being defensive doesn’t help. How to be happy around grumpy people. How to be happy when things go wrong. How to be happy at work. Why do women cry and what to do when they do. Sarcasm: How to deal with it easily. Why it's hard for some to express their emotions. Conquering put-downs. Calming emotions. Happiness is in the ordinary. Triumph over nerves. Managing anger: Yours and theirs. Don't trust guilt! When I was yelled at, I kept my cool and won him over. How emotionally intelligent people succeed at work. There are also more tips on Emotional Intelligence on our Tips page, for you. Here is a sample of them: Ten Tips on how to stay in control. Ten tips for coping with people who go silent. Ten tips on "How Not to Take Things to Heart". Six Tips on how to deal with the pain of grief. Ten Tips on managing your emotions. Ten Tips on breaking "bad" news to your family. Ten Tips on managing anxiety in an emotionally intelligent way. Ten tips on forgiving your parents. Ten tips for Veterinarians on Emotional Intelligence. Ten Tips on being an emotionally intelligent dentist. Five ways to stop yourself from being upset by difficult people. Ten tips on giving emotionally intelligent customer service. Ten tips on how to deal with sarcasm.

Give your EI a boost now - because your Emotional Intelligence matters.

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Updated 25-Jul-2008