Have you noticed how seldom things stay the same? Just as you're getting used to procedures at work someone changes the rules or restructures your department. You find a really comfortable pair of shoes but they wear out. You have a favorite breakfast cereal and the manufacturers stop making it? However much we long for things to stay the same, change seems to happen faster and more than ever ... and much of it we have no control over. If you think you have control, try stopping your fingernails from growing for a couple of months!
What seems to matter more and more is how well we learn to cope with and adapt to change. Can you adapt to change and "go with the flow" without getting too stressed? Sometimes, some of us try to keep everything constant. This can result in doing things in the same way, irrespective of whether it's the best way. We do things one way because we've always done things that way. We do what we are used to doing. We do things because we are familiar with them. But does this help us cope with change? Is it good for us? Maybe not ... Here are some examples to consider:
Example One: "I've always ..."
Recently my mum wanted a new television. She had always rented her television in the past and was going to do the same again. When the family asked her why she wanted to rent she said, "Because I've always rented." Was this a valid reason? It seemed unlikely, so we asked her why she'd always rented."Because that's what your father always did (he's been dead for 14 years). We've rented ever since we first got a television." I still could see no real reason for her continuing and investigated further. "What advantages are there in renting do you think?" "Oh well, when it breaks down I don't have to be responsible for it, I know it will be repaired and I won't have to pay." Ah! Now here was a clue. When my parents first got a television, televisions had all sorts of problems, valves would blow and they'd break down regularly. However, these days televisions are far more reliable and neither I nor my sister had any experience of televisions breaking down. My mum was dubious and continued to want to rent one - "just in case".
So I investigated the cost. We could buy a good sized television for her for as little as three hundred and fifty dollars. Her rental would be approximately five hundred dollars every six months. Economically it didn't seem like a sound decision, unless of course she broke it.
Do you think it best that she rents her television or buys it? Do you do anything simply because you've always done it? Are there things you refuse to do because it's some new fangled idea that isn't the way that you're used to doing it. Like using automatic teller machines, or internet banking for instance? Do you investigate new procedures and ideas to truly find out what benefits there may be or do you shut down to new ways of doing things because you prefer the present ways you're familiar with? If you stick with the old ways you may become stuck in routines that are no longer the best ones for you. They may be out-of-date like my mother's idea about televisions breaking down. They may well have been the best way for you at one time but it doesn't necessarily mean that is the case now.
Example Two: "It's the done thing."
Some of us have been trained by our families, by our school system, by our peers to behave in certain ways. Do you still do things now because that's what you've been taught to do? Because that's the way your mother did it? Because you've never asked yourself if there's a better way? While I was in England recently I was reminded of the time a friend challenged me about why I was using a tablecloth. He'd come to visit me at home some years after I'd moved from England and I "laid the table" and put a nice white table cloth on it. He said very simply, "Why do you cover the table with a cloth?" I was astonished. I'd never questioned it ... "Because that's what people do, don't they? My family always have tablecloths on their tables, don't yours? "No" he said. I sat down and thought about it. The table cloth got dirty very quickly and needed to be washed frequently and then needed ironing. Besides which, we'd gone to the trouble of buying a nice wooden table and we hardly ever saw it. I haven't used a table cloth since. Nor have I regretted it. When I walked into my mother's and sister's homes, sure enough, their tables were permanently covered - not with one table cloth but a thick layer of heat protective material, plus a cloth, plus mats. Why?
Was it because they wanted to look after and protect the table or because that's what granny had taught us was the "done thing" and mum had taught us the same. Their tables were so well protected that no-one ever saw them or the wood. So they might as well have been packing crates.
Other people probably have table cloths for other reasons - it's fine - but so many of us do things because "it's the done thing". Hence we perpetuate our difficulties in coping with change. We get so stuck in the groove of doing things one way that when change is forced upon us we can find it distressing, and even fight against it to our detriment. I'm not arguing here for change just for the sake of change but I am arguing for flexibility, adaptability and possibilities, and against over-control, becoming stuck in detrimental habits and not having the choice of beneficial new options as they become available. I have less washing and ironing to do and that's great. Wiping down the table is much quicker. Thank goodness for friends and change!
Example Three: "That's who I am."
We visited a man recently who complained that the weather was too hot. The day was sunny, warm and humid. There was little breeze to cool him down and the house had no air conditioning. "The weather is awful," he said as he visibly sweated and looked very uncomfortable. My husband and I looked at him. He was fully clothed in a long sleeve shirt, full length trousers, slippers, socks and a vest. Kindly and concerned my husband suggested he might be cooler without his vest on and asked, "Why are you wearing a vest?" "I always wear a vest and always will do", came the reply. Despite attempts to persuade him this may be contributing to his discomfort, he was unwilling to consider doing anything different. This was a man who also always sits in the same room of his house, in the same chair, in the same position, and has done ever since I've known him. We had no chance of persuading him to sit in his other room, despite it being some degrees cooler, either.
Do you do things which may not be comfortable just because "that's you?" because you are a person who "wears a vest", because "that's the way you are?" even though doing things differently might increase your physical (and therefore emotional) comfort? I know some women who, still in their forties or fifties, squeeze themselves into jeans they can barely breathe in. Why? Because that's what all the girls did when they were teenagers and they've done it ever since. The more we stick rigidly to one way of doing things the more difficult adapting to change becomes. The more rigidly we paint a picture of ourselves as being one way, the more we limit ourselves, our options and our creative potential. The more stressed we become by enforced change and the less likely we are to choose change ourselves. And sometimes, possibly often, to our detriment. Anxiety and worry can follow us everywhere as we look out for potential threats to our habitual ways of doing things or viewing ourselves. We start to find threats in our environment. We fight against them. We can end up trying to control that which can't be controlled.
Tips for Coping with Change
If you have any difficultly coping with change here are some tips to help you feel more at ease with change, and to gently ease yourself into the healthy habit of being able to change.
- Practise changing small things through choice.
For example:
a. Take a train if you always travel by car.
b. Drive home by a different route.
c. Wear your watch on your opposite wrist.
d. Clean your teeth with the opposite hand.
e. Don't have a favourite chair - sit in a different chair each night.
f. Wear a new colour in shoes.
g. Take up a new hobby.
h. Go to a new restaurant.
i. Eat a new food.
- Monitor your reasons for doing something and challenge them. If you hear yourself saying things like, "That's the way I've always done things," "It's the done thing" or "That's just the way I am," then stop what you are doing and try an alternative way.
- When you're fighting a change - do a positive/negative evaluation. I'll give an example of such an analysis I did on my grey hair. (A favourite topic of mine - is it becoming a habit?) Having always had brown hair I found my hair going grey. The pressure from society is for a woman of such a young age, to have it dyed. The hairdresser, my friends, the corporate world, magazines, other women in their forties were saying it was the "done thing". However when I did a positive/negative analysis there were far more negatives than positives. On the positive side was that I can pretend I'm younger, I will look younger, I will have conformed and done the right thing, and people will stop going on about it. On the negative side was - the cost, the use of chemicals on my skin and in my hair, the time taken, the environmental damage caused by the chemicals, the anxiety about whether I'd get the best colour, concern for the appearance of grey roots blowing my disguise and so on. In the end, instead of trying to fight against the change, I went with the flow and kept my grey hair. It's so easy. So many things to do with ageing we can't control ... yet people hate the changes in their bodies so much they fight to try to control them - hence the number of cosmetic surgeons getting rich through the middle aged anxieties of others.
Further information available - world wide
Another free newsletter on coping with change can be found on our website.
Number 3: Life's changes - Cope with confidence! By Rachel Green.
The Midlife Page: Change is a frequent component in Midlife, there is a whole page on our website devoted to different aspects of midlife changes: Midlife Page
Further assistance in Western Australia:
Reduce the stress of coping with change in our "Calm & Composed - Practical Strategies to Reduce Anxiety & Tension and have a Happier Life" course to be held on Wednesday, 3rd October 2001, 9.00 am - 4.00 pm, $189 + GST = $207.90. This will be very different from a typical stress management course and includes many practical skills and strategies for reducing and preventing anxiety and stress in both the mind and body. Bookings are now open.
Heart-Mind-Body-Spirit-Laughter: Midlife Weekend Retreat for people aged 40-60 has a significant section on coping with change and saying goodbye to the past. You can even learn to be proud of your age. The cost of the retreat per person: $366.63 ($333 + 10% GST) for the weekend. It starts 6.30 pm Friday, 9th November 2001, ends 3.30 pm Sunday, 11th November 2001.
Learn how to stand up for yourself and say no to or negotiate changes in our next "Being Taken Seriously: Women Communicating Confidently and Clearly" on Monday, 24th September 2001, 9.00 am - 4.00 pm, $189 + GST = $207.90. Places still available.
Bookings are now open directly through the website:
Bookings
e-mail:
Example Four: Using the familiar shower.
So there I was in a friend's bathroom in England, being a good habituated Australian wanting a shower. I was faced with three options, a bath, a shower over the bath and a bidet. Which did I choose? You guessed it, the shower! Now of course I could justify my choice - I, like most people, am very good at doing this. I can find a reason for justifying even my poor decisions. Of course I said "It's easier" to myself. "Did you use the bidet?" my husband asked. "No" I said, "I used the shower to have a wash." Why didn't you use the bidet?", he asked ... and quietly to myself without admitting it to anyone else ... I heard a little voice say "because I've never used one before". Oh dear! At that moment I promised myself next time I am faced with two equally good options, one I'm familiar with and one I'm not familiar with - I will choose the one I'm not familiar with. Promise! Why? Because the next time I'm faced with the same options they will be familiar to me and I can make the best choice for valid reasons and not just because of habit. In this way I will become increasingly better at coping with change.
I hope your life is full of possibilities which you grab with both hands.
Until next time,
Rachel
