Everyday most of us need to talk to a range of people including those who are older than us, whether it be over the phone at work, our neighbours or relations. Accommodating to the needs of different people can help make our interactions more successful and less stressful. Here are some tips of how to get the most out of your interactions.
1. Use names and use them appropriately.
I was visiting my mother when the manager of her accommodation walked into her room and started speaking to Mum ... she told her a few pieces of information and left. The manager never addressed my mother by name in greeting her, when mentioning her to me or on closing. My mother stood and looked at her somewhat vaguely! In contrast when we visited the residential home my mother was moving into the manager said to her; "Would you like me to call you Christina or Mrs Black?" My mum perked up and with a lovely smile said "Oh, Christina please". The manager then in the conversation addressed her as Christina. Which would you prefer to be? Someone anonymous or someone with an identity?
Using names in conversation can be a vital point of connection - not just with the elderly but with your own partners, work mates, children, ... with anyone you interact with.
Here are tips on using names with anyone
If you don't know what someone prefers to be called - ask the person, e.g. "Would you prefer I call you John or Mr Stanford?"
When meeting someone, engage that person immediately by using his or her name, e.g. "Good morning Frances, how are you?"
When talking about a person to someone else use his/her name. For example in the residential home the manager spoke to some of the other residents, about my mother, in front of her. Instead of using her name she said, "This lady is ... ". It would have been nicer to have said ... "Christina is ..."
When asking questions directly of a person or needing to gain a person's attention use his/her name, e.g. the manager said, "Christina would you like to have a sit down before we look around any further?" This was excellent.
Use names on closing. "It's been lovely meeting you Stuart, thank you, bye bye".
Don't overdo names. Some sales people, for instance, use names so often that it appears insincere. Three or four times in a conversation is usually plenty, unless it's a particularly long conversation.
2. Don't patronize the elderly - talk normally
The elderly are adults, not babies or children. However the danger many young people fall into is to talk to older people using child-like inflection or voice patterns in their speech, i.e. those they would use when talking to a three year old. Instead talk to the elderly as you would to a forty or thirty year old, with the same rhythm in your speech and the same pitch. Speak in a natural, mature and adult way to them.
3. Give the elderly time to tune in
It's easy to go too quickly, change topics too rapidly and to introduce new topics with no warning. Instead allow time for each topic to be assimilated before rushing on. The manager in my mother's current place would walk in, start talking, keep talking and leave. My mother would be left without having been given time to absorb what was said or to participate. Similarly on the phone some people speak too quickly when answering the phone so that the elderly (and some of the rest of us!) miss what was said. Even if you've said the same thing on answering the phone 250 times that week, each time say it as if it's the first time. Say it slowly and clearly enough so that people catch what you say the first time. If you find people asking you who you are or what the organisation is when you've just stated it - this is usually a good sign that you've said it too quickly.
Tips to help you connect with the people you're talking to, whatever age they might be
- Pause.
- Gain eye contact.
- Monitor facial expressions, body movement and posture. Look for signs of interest, engagement and understanding. If instead you see uncertainty, disinterest or blankness then it's time to stop and change what you are doing.
- Encourage other people to respond with more than a yes or no answer, so you involve people, gain input from them and gain insight into their level of understanding. Just asking, "Is that okay?", does not tell you what has been understood. Ask questions such as, "What do you think about that Jane?", "If we did so and so how would this affect you?", "What kinds of things can I help you with?", "Would you prefer a or b?"
4. Don't yell even if the person is hard of hearing
It's so tempting to start yelling at people who are hard of hearing. However this is only of use in certain circumstances and on its own may make speech comprehension more difficult. Instead speak clearly without over-emphasis. Lower the pitch of your voice, i.e. deepen it, rather than going higher in pitch. Higher pitches can be harder for most people to hear. One of the problems with yelling is there is often a simultaneous raising of pitch. If you are talking face to face make it easy for the person to see your face. Stand with the light on your face and be in front of the person. The hard of hearing person can then get extra clues about what you are saying by watching your lips and facial expressions.
5. Closing Conversations
Sometimes elderly people who are very nice can like to chat when we need to be working. It's hard to interrupt people who are lovely, yet long winded, especially when they're kind and obviously lonely isn't it? One way to do this, without being rude to the caller, is to join in on their conversation and then close it. This is different from butting in, negating or immediately changing the subject.
Here's an example: The elderly person has started talking about how their roses have been affected by the drought. You might join in by saying, "Roses, yes they do need a lot of water Mrs Jones, I do hope yours recover", and then moving straight away to terminating the conversation by stating that you've fixed whatever problem she called about ... "and in the meantime I have corrected your account details and you'll receive a new letter in the mail within seven days, many thanks for calling ...".
Sounds easy on paper - it can take quite a lot of skill in real life. However with the skill developed phone calls can be handled far more effectively and in a polite way!
Further information available - world wide
Other newsletters of relevance
Number 44: Getting on top of conversations.
Number 62: Conversations Can Be Easy.
Number 40: Superior Phone Skills.
Tips: There are also tips to help you on the website, here are just some of them:
Ten Tips for Talking with Ageing Parents, by Rachel Green
Ten Tips on the Art of Chat at Christmas, by Rachel Green
Other assistance for people in Western Australia:
- Having Something to Say: The Art of Chat: Learn the seven steps to successful small talk, have no more awkward silences and network successfully. Next Course is on Thursday 17th January 2002, 9.00am - 5.00pm, $199 per person: Bookings UWA Extension, phone 9380 2433. The "Art of Chat" can also be delivered privately for you, so that all your staff impress your clients at your Christmas functions - make them brilliant at networking and boost your business.
- If you would like to be brilliant at communicating with people on the phone, the course, Superbly Managing Phone Calls - Even the Difficult Ones, will help you sound consistently professional, calm and confident. The next course is: Tuesday 4th December 2001, 9.00 am - 4.00 pm, $189.00 (plus 10% GST = $207.90) per person. Venue Central City, Perth.
- If you'd like to stay calm while all around you is getting faster and communication seems to be stretched, learn how to cope with change, keep calm and stay positive in Cruising Through Change, Tuesday 27th November 2001, 9.00am - 4.00pm, $159.00 (plus 10% GST = $174.90) per person for the full day or one workshop for $85.00 (plus 10% GST = $93.50) per person. Venue Central City, Perth.
- New Speeches - NMBC is undergoing radical changes in the programmes and speeches it offers you and is developing an increasingly flexible pricing structure to make them affordable for your needs and events. If you're looking for an entertaining and informative speech for your upcoming function or conference then consider having one of our "classic" speeches - you can choose from: "It Takes All Sorts: How to work brilliantly with different types of people"; "How Not to Take Things Personally"; "How to Stop your Knees Knocking"; "Kisses or Clashes? - How to live with different types of people"; "Marvels, Maladies & Madness: Making the Most of Midlife!"; "Smart Casual Conversation: The Art of Chat" and "That's Attitude: What's Yours?" For more details about the presentations.
Course bookings are now open directly through the website: Bookings
e-mail:
ph: +61 8 9390 1188.
6. Talk about topics of interest to them
Allow older people to reminisce if they wish to. It is easy when we are younger to want to talk about what is happening now or our plans for the future, or to want to rush on and make so-called "effective" use of time. This can result in the elderly being cut short unnecessarily and being deprived of the opportunity to review their past and their lives. Some of the ways you can encourage elderly people to reminisce (if indeed they need any encouragement!) is to ask them questions, such as:
How has ...... (transport, buildings, the community, etc.) changed since you've lived here?
What's the history behind this (photograph, ornament, item of clothing, piece of furniture, etc)?
What do you remember about ...... (a certain person, the war, etc)?
Now all that's needed is a willingness to listen and to take a genuine interest in what is being said! When our parents reminisce we can learn more about the influences on their lives, what made them the way they are, what coloured their opinions - indeed what contributed to our own upbringing and lives with them. In this way our own lives are richer and so are theirs.
Here's to all of us giving time and respect to the elderly.
Happy talking,
until next time,
Rachel.
