When I sit and watch the television news I am saddened by the amount of violence, hatred and unhappiness there is in the world. When I travel on the train I look around and often see people who seem unenergised, frustrated or unhappy. When I walk through the city or go shopping I see people weighed down by the world, uncertain, hassled. Yet the one thing I suspect we all have in common is a desire to be happy. But what makes us happy? Where do we find happiness? Is it possible to be happy irrespective of what happens around us? Here are my thoughts - send me yours. You may or may not agree with what I say - but tell me!
1. Are happiness and excitement the same thing?
Happiness, as it's presented in the media and advertising is often attributed to external events such as a trip to the casino, a night out at the races or a delicious meal in a restaurant. However, do these bring lasting happiness or contentment? I suspect not. In my experience, two people can go to the same restaurant and eat the same meal, yet one person has a great time while the other is irritated by it. If this is the case, presumably it's not the food itself that brings happiness then, is it? It's also possible to go out for a night, have a good time but drink, spend or eat too much. The result? Waking up the next morning feeling hung over, bloated, broke or tired! Is this lasting happiness? No. What events such as these do is to bring brief periods of excitement into our lives. However, they don't last. Worse still they can leave us restless and wanting more. So much so, we can end up longing to repeat the excitement or striving to find an even more intense high. And this can stop us from noticing the other good things around us. That's not where happiness lives, is it?
So what produces happiness? Is it the attitude you take to the event rather than the event itself? I think happiness is an attitude of mind rather than an external event. And that real happiness can be maintained through even difficult events. Why else is it that people who know they are dying, for example, can be at peace? Why is it that some people who know they only have a short time to live have reported being happy? It's attitude. Their attitude to life.
I had the wonderful priviledge of meeting a marvellous woman recently who told me that her husband was dying of cancer. She told me how they now appreciated every minute they had together. How they celebrated each day he continued to be alive. How they were planing his 60th birthday celebrations.
How many of us truly appreciate each day that we have? Her attitude was an inspiration. Thank you. Similarly, one of the women who writes in "Midlife And Happiness" talks about how she nursed her best friend while she was dying of breast cancer and says:
"I could not have been happier to share those last six months with Sophie. It was a priceless experience. At midlife I wanted to do what mattered, what was important. Being with her mattered. Saying goodbye as she died mattered. Honouring our friendship mattered. She gave me gifts and insights I can never return. It told me to respect each day I am given. It reminded me that there are many wonderful people in the world. It taught me never to complain again about things that really don't matter."
Happiness is an attitude of mind. Not an external event. Happiness and excitement can be considered as the same thing. Yet I think they are different. Excitement doesn't last, while happiness can endure even the most difficult circumstances. Can't it?
2. Do money and possessions bring happiness?
Elements in our society suggest that we'll be happy once we've got the perfect home, the ideal amount of money, the latest model car, the newest dress or the best-looking girlfriend or boyfriend. How is it then, that not all rich people are happy? Some simply appear bitter and twisted, some are depressed, some become drug addicts or alcoholics. Others drive themselves to continually seek ever more money and bigger homes even when they already have plenty. Some end up in prison. Some die an early death from overwork and tension.
On one of my favourite television programmes, Michael Parkinson recently interviewed British ex-champion footballer, George Best, Singer Elton John, Singer Posh Spice and her husband who is the Captain of the English Soccer team. Between them they had more money than any Lotto winnings would ever provide. But what of their happiness? George Best was very ill - an alcoholic who was fighting for his life. He said that he'd had everything money could buy and had become bored and so he drank. Elton John talked of his problems with drugs such as cocaine. Posh Spice said she no longer trusted anyone outside her family. Her husband talked about how seriously depressed he'd become when he'd been accused of having an affair which he hadn't had. He now considered it dangerous for him to go out anywhere because women would try to get their photograph taken with him in order to attempt to blackmail him. George Best said his son, a model, also faced the same problem and couldn't go out. So does money bring happiness? There is evidence to suggest it doesn't.
In Chapter 7 of "Midlife And Happiness", a woman describes how she survived many health problems and left security behind to go travelling. She said, "One of the most rewarding discoveries I made was that unhappiness is not necessarily a component of poverty. We spent a lot of time in Third World countries and were particularly impressed by people who managed to exude a sense of joy despite abysmal living conditions."
Yet our television commercials, our financial advisers, our superannuation experts all indicate that we must have masses of money and possessions to be happy. Do we? Isn't happiness something inside us and not outside us? If you have two people with the same amount of money in the bank, how can one person be happy and the other angry? If two people own the same type and size of house how can one person be content with what she/he has, while the other person wants something bigger or better? Some people never seem to be happy with what they've got, do they? So how can we say that money and possessions produce happiness? Maybe they help, maybe they don't. I am not suggesting that I want to be poor but I do know that money is no guarantee of happiness. There is only so much money that we really need and it's a lot less than is suggested to us. Some people seem to invest their whole happiness in collecting possessions, in hoarding them, in showing them off to others. But is a person who hoards and keeps everything any happier than a person who doesn't? I suspect not. Our attitude of mind is probably more important than the amount we possess.
3. Are our bodies a source of happiness?
Look good and we'll be happy - isn't that the message conveyed by so many women's magazines and increasingly, men's magazines? Wear the right cologne, have big muscles, tan your skin, dye your hair blond, even use the right razor and hey presto, happiness will arrive! Really? Does that really bring a sense of confident contentment inside that can withstand the buffeting of life? Judging by the amount of money spent on anti-ageing research, anti-wrinkle cream, hair dyes, cosmetic surgery and the like, clearly some people at least, think this will produce happiness. I wonder if it does, really. If your happiness is so dependent on your looks, aren't you more likely to worry in case your looks change, a pimple appears, you break a nail, you go bald or a grey hair appears? How would you react if you were like one of the men in Midlife And Happiness, (there are 21 true stories written by 7 men and 7 women) who said:
"At the age of 35, I started having to shave my ears, not just my face, and occasionally I'd have to trim the hair growing out of my nostrils." I am glad he wasn't dependent on his looks for happiness!
Or another man wrote in Chapter 12, "I don't think of myself as "middle-aged", my thought processes tell me that I'm around thirty-ish - that is until I look in the mirror. What do I see? A face that could be in its late fifties (I'm in my forties) - tired, worn, sun-damaged, scarred. Interestingly - it doesn't really worry me - sure I'd like to have a nice full head of hair, and not so many wrinkles, but I guess it's an honest appraisal of where I've been, what I've done, and maybe where I'm likely to end."
Fortunately these two weren't dependent on their bodies for happiness. Why would they be? If the body beautiful is such a vital key to happiness, why is it there are "beautiful" people who aren't happy. I was speaking recently at the book launch and as I was signing a book for a beautiful looking woman in her mid-forties, I asked her what her goal in life was. She said, "To have rock hard abdominal muscles". I was amazed. Why? "So I can fit back into some of my clothes" she said. Did she have a weight problem? No, she looked to be a size 10. She was already beautiful and still she was not happy. Does that mean she has no chance of being happy when she's wrinkled? Probably! As for me, I know my body is not under my control - otherwise my hair would stay the same length, my weight would not fluctuate and my hair wouldn't be grey! Consequently I want to be happy irrespective of the state of my body. Is it possible? Let me know what you think.
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Other free newsletters to help you:
Number 22: How to have a long and happy relationship
Number 28: Have you got attitude?
Number 37: Are you doing what's important?
Number 51: Passion and Purpose: What's your contribution?
Top Tips on Happiness
Reading through "Midlife And Happiness" it became obvious there are many ways, and not just one way to be happy. So here are just three of my tips on happiness. Let me know what your tips for happiness are and we can publish them on the website. Be a star!
1. Focus on the good things in life.
When something upsets you, don't dwell on that to the exclusion of everything else. Continue to search out and focus on the positives in your life. Remember them. Acknowledge them. Be thankful for them. For example, yesterday my friend called and was exhausted. She said that she was keeping positive though and if she had a pain in her leg she would remind herself that at least she had a leg! That if she decided she hated her job, she would remember that at least she had a job. It's so easy to let minor things get out of perspective and to be unhappy as a consequence. When we keep the good things in mind, the problems which arise disturb us less and we can be more peaceful.
2. Deliberately develop a strong positive attitude.
Positive attitudes don't just happen - especially not when we live in a society that feeds off and promotes a lot of negativity and rewards put-downs, cynical comments and blame. Positive attitudes are developed. It can take discipline, hard work and awareness to become positive and happy.
Recently, the mayor of Geraldton, a town in the Midwest of Western Australia, has introduced "No Put-Down" zones and small fines ($2, I think) for any put-downs that are heard in the area. What a great step towards reminding us that negativity doesn't help and positivity can. Maybe you can fine yourself for every negative thought you have and reward yourself for every positive one.
For me, I practise a meditation technique that helps me strengthen my mind and be more positive to the people I meet. It is called Loving-Kindness meditation. I practise it for half-an-hour a day, about 5 times a week, every week. It helps me avoid getting cranky with people even those who are rude to me. I have become happier as a consequence, no doubt about it! If you want to know how to do it, I talk a lot more about it in Chapter 21 called: "On The Road To Lasting Happiness." There are also a few details on the website under TIPS. I also teach it in a free meditation group that I run on Tuesdays nights if you live anywhere near Armadale in WA. (Sorry if you don't!) But it isn't easy. Happiness isn't instant. It takes training. If you do the work - you'll get the happiness.
3. Find a renewable source of internal happiness.
What is there in your life that you can draw on to inspire you, to renew your inner happiness, to keep your batteries charged? It may be a spiritual sense of connection with a "God", a religious path or a sense of connection with something greater. For me, being with nature recharges and fills my happiness battery. Sitting on top of a hill overlooking the ocean, watching the flowers in my garden, sitting under the night sky in the outback, all bring me a sense of unity and oneness. Nature produces a sense of contentment that renews me. A sense of connection and belonging. I write about this in far more depth in Chapter 21 in "Midlife And Happiness".
Matthew Fox, sums it up perfectly for me though,
"The only truly natural and real human unity is the spirit of the earth. All humans are born of the earth, are nourished from it and are destined to return to it. What is more universal than that?"
"Original Blessing" Bear and Company, Sante Fe, New Mexico, USA, 1983
Top Quote of the fortnight:
We're starting to include inspirational quotes - send us yours and help others be happy.
"Every individual matters and has a role to play in this life on earth. Above all we must realise that each of us makes a difference with our life. Each of us impacts the world around us every single day. We have a choice to use the gift of our life to make the world a better place - or not to bother."
Words Of Wisdom by Jane Goodall. Appearing on the Women's International Center website. http://www.wic.org/wow/jgoodall.htm
Jane Goodall Institute: http://www.janegoodall.org
May you find happiness and health whatever your age, background, religion, race, financial status or looks.
The greatest gift we can give people is to be happy - then others can catch it from us.
Best wishes
Rachel.
