Welcome to this 142nd edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication providing practical tips and cutting edge information on interpersonal skills, emotional intelligence and communication.
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In this edition:
- Conversations made easy
- Top tips on how to make easy conversations.
- Want to know more? Resources for you world-wide - many of them free.
- Rachel's Response: Persistent of Kalamunda.
- EI tip of the fortnight: Stay open to your feelings.
- Have a laugh.
Next newsletter: A new section - "Fortnightly Feelings". Many people find it hard to work out how to describe what they feel - this will help. It will be the start of your very own thesaurus of feeling words - with a humour side to it!
Next newsletters:
 | How to give yourself a confidence boost.
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| Do you have attitude?
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| Betrayed, ripped off or let down - how do you decide what you are feeling?
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| Friendships: How to make them and maintain them.
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Number 142: Conversations made easy.
4th August 2004.
By Rachel Green
When I was a child I was brought up to believe that I should be seen and not heard. I was like many children today also taught not to speak to strangers. Other comments I heard included, "It's bragging to talk about yourself", "Wait to be introduced" and "It's rude to interrupt". Now I'm an adult I've learnt that these messages work against me when I'm wanting to meet new people and when I'm socialising or networking. Instead I've learnt a whole different set of skills and sayings so that I can network with confidence and even with strangers. Here are some of the skills that may help you too.
2. Top tips on how to make easy conversations.
Tip A. Confident people introduce themselves.
Go up and introduce yourself to people. Confident people are willing to extend their hand in a greeting and say who they are. If you don't introduce yourself you could be waiting a long time to meet people. Also by introducing yourself to people you get to control and choose whom you meet.
Tip B. Tell people about yourself.
Conversations are a way to build relationships between people. When you offer information to people about yourself you are signalling that you trust the other person. You also demonstrate to people that you are generous and open, traits that many people warm to. If you don't tell people about yourself they may find it hard to get to know you. You also place yourself in danger of being misunderstood and leaving them with the impression that you are withdrawn and secretive. Talking about yourself helps you to become known. It also encourages other people to open up to you. (This is different from bragging. Bragging is if you say or imply you are the greatest.)
Tip C. Talk about topics in depth.
Many people in conversation make the mistake of rapidly churning through topics. This can occur when you only say a few words in response to a question, or when you interrupt another person quite quickly or when you ask closed "yes" or "no" questions. Try staying with a topic and going deeper. If someone asks you, "Where have you travelled to?" for instance, you might say, "I've been to China." To deepen the conversation you might say much more such as, what you did in China, why you like going there, the adventures that you've had, how China compared to other holidays you've had; and so on. It's not that you say this all in one very long monologue. About 3 sentences at a time is a general rule of thumb you could follow.
Tip D. Interrupt politely.
If someone is boring you, you can interrupt in a way that is still polite. You do not have to stand there with a glazed look in your eye, waiting for time to pass. Take control of the situation. It's your life after all! One way to do this is to join in with what is being said. So if the person is talking about the tragedy in Sudan you might join in by saying, "Sudan is a tragic situation, only last night I saw a television programme which showed the plight of the people who were fleeing from the massacre."
Once you've joined in the topic and taken it over, keep on talking. Move the conversation to wherever you want it to go to. If you want to exit then start to talk about exiting and thank them for talking to you. If you're wanting to change to a new topic then link the existing topic to a new one, e.g. other things you've seen on television. Take control. Interrupt politely.
3. What can you do next? Help for you world-wide
Other free newsletters:
There are other useful newsletters to help you. They are on the
rachelgreen.com website for you to read or print off whenever
you wish. Click here to read them.
Tips
There are other useful tips to help you. They are on the
rachelgreen.com website for you to read or print off whenever
you wish. Click here to read them.
This fortnight's NEW! tips FORGIVING YOUR PARENTS, by Rachel Green.
4. Rachel's Response.
I would really like to hear from you about problems you have at work. Write me a letter! Gain some free advice. We require your real name but you will not be identified in the column.
Dear Rachel
I have been reading your columns for a long time now. They have been a great help and keep me on a level. I have just read your one on persistence - it is so timely. But I am really thinking of giving up on my husband and I am a very, very persistent person and I really don't give up easily. I bounce back. I keep on slogging on but being human sometimes I just feel like chucking up everything. How do I know when to give up and when to persist in a relationship?
Persistent of Kalamunda.
Dear Persistent,
The question you ask is such a good one. It shows that you are thinking things through instead of chucking everything in as soon as it gets hard. It is sometimes easier to quit a relationship than it is to put the time into repairing it. However the easiest answer is not always the right one. The deep and loving companionship that can be found in a long term relationship may only come if you do face the problems, work through them and stick together.
There is no easy answer to tell you when to quit a relationship. What I can suggest though, is that you ask yourself a series of questions. Here are five questions you can start with.
Am I realistic in what I am expecting?
There is a myth that once we are together or married that we will live happily ever after. It is not true. Relationships require work. A normal good solid relationship will have conflict, stress, questions of faith, problems, hitches, arguments, disagreements, all sorts of things not mentioned in our fairy stories. These problems are not an indication that you should quit but that you can grow. That your relationship can develop. They are there to help you find a way through them, so your relationship can move to an even deeper level. Check yourself. Are you realistic and know that problems are normal?
Am I expecting my partner to be perfect?
So many of us think we can improve or change our partners. They often do things we don't like. They slurp their food, they leave their clothes on the floor, they vote for different political parties, they choose different people for friends, they want to go out when we want to stay in, they like vegetarian food - we like steak, they want short hair - we like long hair, they want to work - we want them to stay home. And on our differences go. Unless you are a perfect person please don't expect your partner to be perfect.
Have you given them catch-up time?
In a relationship people grow and change at different rates. Sometimes if you've done some personal development the temptation is to expect the other person to quickly catch up. That's not fair! Allow your partner plenty of time to change at his or her own rate. It may take years. She/he may not even get there. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe their growth points are different from yours. That can bring richness into a relationship.
Have you been honest and clear about your concerns?
I am increasingly concerned about the number of relationships that are broken up without warning. It's only fair to give the other person a chance to change, to discuss, to learn, before any plan is made to terminate a relationship. People's lives are shattered by relationship break-ups - please take care. Instead of thinking about it for months - talk about the concerns you have. Respectfully. Instead of slamming doors, avoiding sex or refusing to go out - talk to them about the problems. Kindly. Instead of making sarcastic comments, giving them withering looks or putting them down - talk about your concerns. And talk to your partner and not your friends.
Am I being harmed?
If you are being verbally abused, mentally worn down or physically beaten there is something very wrong with your relationship and you are in danger.
There are many other questions you can ask. I hope these questions get you thinking. My personal experience of 30 years of marriage is that sorting through the differences and difficulties brings the joy that we are all looking for.
If you want help in introducing sensitive topics into conversation, our 3 CD set Becoming a Skilled Communicator has some great ways on how to do that.
May you be happy.
With kindness
Rachel
5. EI tip of the week. Stay open to your feelings
Many of us have been brought up to run away from or ignore how we feel. We have been told that emotions are positive or negative. Yet an emotion is just an emotion. It isn't good, it isn't bad. It just is. Whether it is anger, frustration, feeling threatened, or disappointment they are all just feelings. What matters is what you do with the feeling not whether you have it or not. If you can stay open to your emotions and know what is going on, even if you feel uncomfortable, you will be getting important information about yourself and what is happening around you. Now that's intelligent! If you want to learn how to do this come along to "EI 1: Mastering Emotional Intelligence".
6. Have a laugh
Thanks to Mark Green in England, for this fortnight's joke,
"LIVING IN 2004 - frighteningly true.
You know you're living in 2004 when...
- You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
- You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
- You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
- Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
- When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
- When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line.
- You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
- You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
- Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- Contractors out-number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...
- You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
- As you read this list, you thought about forwarding it to your "friends".
- You got this email from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from the net.
- You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.
- You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.
- And now you are laughing at yourself!
- Finally, you fwd this to your friends ..."
Got a clean joke? Send your contributions to
May your conversations be easy,
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.
Getting in touch
If you would like me to speak to your group or organisation to help you boost your communication, presentation skills, emotional intelligence or networking strategies, please contact me or Genevieve, my Personal Assistant.
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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have in your communication, inter-personal or emotional skills. Thank you.
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