Welcome to the 147th edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication providing you with practical, dynamic help to develop your emotional intelligence and communication skills.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
Visit our website http://www.rachelgreen.com
In this edition:
- Don't trust guilt!
- Latest news: Relationship courses - new links and books.
- Top tips on how to handle guilt and stand up for yourself.
- How you can learn more at home or work, immediately, and win a FREE CD set.
- Your problems answered: Dear Underworked.
- Fortnightly Feelings: I was intimidated but not threatened.
- Laugh your socks off.
1. Don't trust guilt - it can con you.
I am so relieved emotional intelligence has finally been born. Why? Because it is allowing us all to look at our emotions. But why bother? Aren't we better off without them? No, whether we like it or not, we are emotional beings. Whether we approve or not emotions are with us at work, with our staff and colleagues and with our customers, clients and patients. They exist. So let's get to know them. They can give us important information, sometimes. However what a minefield they are. Take guilt for instance. Ever felt it? Ever said "No" to a really polite request and felt guilty? Ever turned down an invitation and felt bad? Ever stood up for yourself but crawled into a hole later? Oh yes, guilt is easy to feel for many of us. A tip - if you feel guilty it doesn't mean you mustn't do what you feel guilty about. Some guilt is a con act! Sometimes it's there to protect you from doing something bad. But some of the time it's not. It is not that you should ignore it but rather evaluate it without automatically giving into it. If you're about to steal something from a shop and feel guilty, or you're about to hit someone, then guilt is there to say, don't do it. At other times it's only there because you've been taught to be nice to people even when people aren't being nice to you. If it's not a valid warning, you don't have to give in. Tips for handling guilt come next.
2. Latest news: New personality books and links for you.
Well what a good time we had in the "Personalities Talking" course; some people brought their partners and their relationships will never be the same again. They'll be better! If you missed the course there will be another one in 2005. In the meantime I have updated the reading list on personality types. It is on the website in the Tips section. I have also updated all the links to other personality websites in the links section. I still get excited learning more and more about the different types. Learn what you can about yourself and about others, it could save you heartbreak.
3. Top tips on how to handle guilt and still stand up for yourself.
Tip A. Try and survive it.
I used to think that I'd be struck down if I felt guilty as I was doing something. Or I'd be punished in some way. Or it meant I was doing something wrong. Then one day, with an eye watching the sky in case of reprisals, I decided I'd feel the guilt and do it anyway. I was wanting to say "no" to something that I didn't want to do but was being pressurised to agree to. So, palms sweating, I noticed the guilt and plucked up the courage to say "no, thank you" (nicely, of course). And lo and behold, nothing dreadful happened. I was so surprised. I'd come out on the other side of guilt, stood up for myself and gained respect, and that was the end of that! Having not given into the guilt I came out a stronger person for it. After that it became easier for me to stand up for myself when feeling guilty. If you find it hard to stand up for yourself, I go through all the techniques I have learnt in the "Assertiveness upgrade: Expect respect more often" seminar on 20th October 2004. Let me help you to speak out - Click here to book in!
Tip B. Ask yourself, "Why do I feel guilty?"
Guilt can arise for many different reasons. Is it to protect you? For example, you might need to eat a healthier diet and have promised yourself to do this for the next six months. Then when you see someone else eating chunky hot wedges you fancy some. You are overcome by guilt. Good! Listen to it. It's telling you to stick to your diet. This is an example of its protective nature. In contrast however, someone wants you to join a committee and you are already overwhelmed with work, family and social commitments. You desperately want to say no. But up it pops again - guilt!
Now is it there to protect you or could it be that you were brought up to be nice to everyone, to put everyone ahead of yourself and you feel guilty out of habit? In this situation - look after yourself. The guilt is not there to protect you at all. In fact giving into the guilt will harm you. You will end up taking on too much. Ask yourself why is the guilt there? Only listen to it when it is there for a good reason and it protects you and others.
Tip C. One feeling does not dictate one behaviour.
Just because you feel guilt, or boredom or restlessness does not mean there is only one possible response. Being bored does not automatically mean you must stop what you're doing. Being restless does not automatically mean you go and find more excitement. For each of these feelings there are always many choices in the way you respond. Feeling guilty does not necessarily mean you give into other people. Some people go out of their way to make you feel guilty so they can get you to do what they want. Just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you have to say yes! If you find it hard to say "no" nicely or to say "no" when you feel guilty, come along to "Assertiveness Upgrade" and I'll show you how to do it without offence. Click here to book in!
Tip D. Is the other person caring for your feelings?
Sometimes people feel guilty about turning down a request that a friend, family member or colleague makes of them. You have tried to gently get out of the request, probably by giving excuses, such as "I'm busy", "The children are sick" or whatever. But the other person pursues you. They don't take no for an answer. They keep on at you. You then feel guilty and worry about hurting their feelings. When this happens, stop and ask yourself, are they worried about hurting yours? If they aren't worried about yours then why are you worrying so much about theirs? Maybe you can worry about your own feelings too. Respect yourself, as well as respecting others.
4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.
"How not to take things personally: Dealing positively with negativity."
Instead of feeling guilty or upset, let snide comments, angry outbursts and negative comments wash over you like water off a duck's back. Learn how to keep calm, not take things to heart and to know what to say when people are negative or nasty. Don't let people get to you. Get the 2 CD set now! AU$45.00, with no extra for postage, world-wide!
BONUS OFFER. If you book into and pay for "Assertiveness Upgrade" on Wednesday 20th October 2004, no later than 17th October 2004, you will get this CD set for free. Hurry book now!
Other free newsletters:
There are other newsletters bursting with practical tips on the rachelgreen.com website for you to read or print off whenever you wish. Click here to read them.
Tips
Benefit from other useful tips on the rachelgreen.com website. Topics range from how to network and give powerful presentations, to understanding personality types, body language and developing confidence. Click here to read them.
5. Your problems answered
Each fortnight I select one letter we have been sent requesting advice and reply to it. Write us a letter. Gain some free advice. Get your problems answered, now. (You will not be identified).
Dear Rachel,
I am a word processor (WP) operator for a large law firm and work as part of a team with several other WPs. Mostly we don't have enough work to do to keep us occupied during the day. This has been going on for months and is VERY boring, frustrating and stressful. I don't know if we will just get sacked suddenly one day or if I should look for another job. There is no-one to discuss this with at work. Our supervisor doesn't get on with the Human Resources people and would be very angry if I talked to them about other duties. We aren't allowed to ask other people for work or to do any work that is not keyboard work.
There are very few WP jobs around and my age will be against me if I were to look for another job. Searching for jobs is a very scary thought. I don't know whether to just sit it out or make a move. I might find myself in a worse position if I do that. I am 51 and have no plans to retire for about 20 years, so that is not an option. Any suggestions?
Underworked.
Dear Underworked,
Being bored at work can be very energy sapping. People like to go to work to get a sense of purpose and meaning out of what they do, as well as to earn money. You sound to be in a very demoralising situation. I am so pleased you have written in, as your life does not have to be like this for the next 20 years. It concerns me that you feel intimidated so much by the supervisor that you can't go and discuss the issues with anyone else. Many organisations now have free, confidential counselling services. This may be a good first step for you. Gain support from somewhere in the organisation if you can.
Secondly there is probably no harm in looking for other jobs. You don't have to think about accepting a new job at this stage but simply to gain more information about what is available. You can also apply for new jobs. You don't have to take the decision about whether to move jobs or not until you get offered one. Most changes in our lives can be managed easily if we just keep taking the first step and then the next step. Worrying about the final step before taking the first step can paralyse us.
Please don't knock yourself because of your age. Not everyone wants a 51 year old, you are right. But other people do. Think of all the experience you have word processing. Think of all the maturity you will bring to the job. If you start off by pulling yourself down because of your age then others will do the same. Instead develop a positive attitude about your skills and forget your age. Be ready to sell yourself. If you are not sure how to do this at job interviews then come along to "Assertiveness Upgrade" on Wednesday, 20th October 2004, because you'll learn all the vital steps for selling yourself at job interviews. Your destiny is your choice - grab it with both hands. Click here to book in!
May you have the courage to take the steps you need to find the happiness you seek,
With kindness and encouragement,
Rachel.
6. Check your Fortnightly Feelings: "Intimidated" or "Threatened".
How many feeling words do you have in your vocabulary? You need the language of emotions to understand and think about emotions and to communicate clearly. Each fortnight I will include a feeling word for you to try out over the next fortnight. Also, if you have an example of when you have felt like this - please send it to me. I am collecting examples to go in a dictionary of feeling words I am writing. If you get included you get a free copy of the dictionary.
Today's words are "Intimidated" and "Threatened".
Recently I was talking to a woman who helps look after the elderly in their homes. She made a comment I found fascinating. One of the old men she looked after had been harsh in his language towards her and she said, "I felt intimidated but not threatened". I thought this was a fine differentiation of feelings and a significant contrast for us to discuss today. Here are my definitions of intimidated and threatened. What are yours?
Intimidated: You are likely to feel this when someone else is trying to boss you around, is loud and up close, or is saying derogatory remarks about you, your ideas and decisions or people you know. For example, the elderly gentleman had exclaimed, as she walked into his home, "So you are here at last, I just said that old cow of a home help was late". Intimidation can be quite commonly experienced in the workplace especially by those in junior positions and by those who think differently to the prevailing viewpoint or the strongest viewpoint. It can also be rife in meetings and across genders and age groups, e.g. a middle aged male customer may intimidate a younger female manager.
The strength of the emotion: Medium
Associated emotions: Put-down, bossed about, discredited, pressured, bullied, manipulated, put upon, belittled, mistreated, felt obliged to comply.
Threatened: The biggest difference between this and intimidation is the fear that you may actually come to harm physically or emotionally. Feeling threatened is associated with a sense of danger, of imminent harm. For instance, had the elderly gentleman been carrying a weapon, or grabbed her arm, or told her that if she was ever late again he would set the dog on her, then she may have felt threatened.
The strength of the emotion: Medium-Strong
Associated emotions: Scared, frightened, anxious, in danger, vulnerable, forced against your will, bullied, under attack, targeted.
7. Laugh your socks off.
Thanks to one of my colleagues, Zor Hane, for this joke.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?? he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go ... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home".
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
May you not be at the mercy of your emotions and feel comfortable speaking out when you need to take care of yourself.
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.
How I can help you, now.
If you would like to have a conference, event or function with an energetic and entertaining speech, to boost your communication, presentation skills, emotional intelligence or networking strategies, I can do this for you. E-mail me or Genevieve, my Personal Assistant, on or call +61 8 9390 1188, or fax +61 8 9390 1199.
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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have in your communication, inter-personal or people skills. Thank you.
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