CONFIDENCE 4 U

Managing anger: Yours and theirs.

27-Oct-2004, Number 148

Welcome to this 148th edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication providing you with practical tips to boost your emotional intelligence and develop clear communication skills.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
Visit our website at http://www.rachelgreen.com

In this edition:

1. Managing anger: Yours and theirs.
2. Latest news: Fun at the Australian Cemeteries & Crematoria Association National Conference.
3. Top tips on how NOT to get angry even when others are.
4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.
5. Your problems answered: Dear "Staying in love".
6. Fortnightly Feelings: "I was marginalised."
7. Laugh your socks off.
   

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1. Managing anger: Yours and theirs

Do some people get to you? Do you find yourself getting hot under the collar especially when people are rude, complaining or carrying on? Ever got angry or rude back? It's so tempting, isn't it? I've been working with a group of men recently who deal with stroppy customers, and when I say stroppy I mean facing full-blown angry outbursts. I've been encouraging them not to strike back. I kept saying to them, "Let it go, stay calm, stay clear headed. Let the customer rant and rave but don't join in. It's not worth it. Getting irritated, angry or furious isn't good for your blood pressure or health. And just as bad, it gives the other person more ammunition to attack you with. Don't go down to their level. Charm them instead!"

You can imagine some of my men would much rather have got stuck in than stay calm! If people insulted them they wanted to defend themselves and put the customers in their place. The good news is, though, that over time they started getting the hang of it. And guess what? Their stress levels lowered. They stopped handing their happiness over to someone else. Great news. If the other person is having a bad hair day you don't have to join them. One of the things I've discovered in customer service is that if I keep my cool, then I have far more chance of getting a compliment at the end. If I get cranky back I just escalate the problem. So why bother? I don't think it's worth it. How do you stop yourself from getting upset or getting angry back? We'll talk about that later in the newsletter. It can be done.

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2. Latest news: The Australian Cemeteries and Crematoria Association Conference was a winner.

I think I have one of the best jobs in the world. I get to meet so many fascinating people. And I get glimpses into industries and businesses that otherwise I would know nothing about. Each week I am working with a different industry or professional group. What a privilege. This week I worked with members of the Cemeteries and Crematoria Industry. Three hundred of them from throughout Australia and around the world. What a fabulous bunch they were. We all laughed so, so much. I was given the honour of being their opening keynote speaker. If you've been to conferences you know how boring some of them can be. Heavy speeches, people not knowing each other, and boring power-points after boring power-points. Well let me tell you, not this group. They started their conference by my teaching them how to mix and mingle from the very beginning. And it was a hoot! By the time they got to tea break there was no shutting them up. Oh, and if you are in a position where you are having to deal with the death of a loved one and are arranging burials or funerals or memorials, I learnt there are many more services and options available than I ever imagined, including telecasting of funerals from one side of the world to another. Make sure you get the best option for you and your family.

Their opening speech, "Be a winner at dinner: Chat and network with confidence" will be on top of my conference agenda next year. It is such a high energy positive way to start a conference. The Department of Conservation and Land Management's Science Division started their biennial forum with it recently too and people got connected immediately. What a buzz! So, if you're planning a conference give it a high energy kick start and help everybody get to know each other and get the most out of the event. You can contact me on .

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3. Top tips on how not to get angry even when others are.

Tip A. Monitor your head!

What you say to yourself about the other person will make all the difference to how you react. If you are thinking, "Don't you speak to me like that Buddy, who do you think you are?" or "We've got a right one here!" you are likely to get angry. If you are saying, "I can help this person" or "He must be having a bad day" you are more likely to stay calmer. You can control what you say to yourself, even if you can't control what the other person says to you. Choose to say something calming. We practise doing this in the workshop on the 19th November, "How to keep your cool - even with angry people". Come and join us and learn what I taught the group of men I was working with and you'll be able to stay cool too. E-mail us now to book in: and hang on to your happiness.

Tip B. Monitor what your body is doing.

Anger can be felt building up in the body. Feeling irritated and upset can be felt in the body too. The trick to help you stay calm is to catch the very first sign that your body is beginning to tense up. It might be that your jaw starts to tighten, your breathing alters, or you roll your eyes. If you catch it early you can let it go so the anger doesn't keep building. All you need to know is your very first sign. For me, it is always my stomach. It just tightens slightly as I start to get upset. If I don't notice it then my breathing quickens a little, my chest tightens a little and I can quickly heat up into a full adrenalin attack. However, if I keep my eye on my stomach, and notice it tightening then I can breath easily, let the tension go and stay calm. I can help you find your first sign in the "Keep your cool" workshop and help you be free of anger or irritation.

Tip C. Focus on how the other person is feeling.

The other person is obviously having a bad time. Focus on how he or she is feeling. You might even feel sorry for them! If people are very upset, if they are angry or disappointed or feel cheated, simply notice what they are feeling. Thinking, "Gee they are angry, they must feel dreadful" may help you stay focussed on helping them instead of getting upset yourself.

Tip D. Think that something dreadful that may have happened to them.

By thinking that something dreadful may have happened to them you have a greater chance of being sympathetic and dealing with their issues instead of getting upset or defensive. They may have just had dreadful news of a serious illness, his wife may have left him, one of their kids may be sick, they may just have had their house burn down, their gout may be playing up ... anything that helps you stay calm and helpful is fine! As long as you don't say what you are thinking!

By the way, if you are in any danger please look after yourself. I am not supporting abusive behaviours or wanting you to risk physical assault.

4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.

If you can't come to the "Keep your cool" course learn all about the strategies on this 2 CD set which is packed with practical tips on anger management.
"How not to take things personally: Dealing positively with negativity." Let snide comments, angry outbursts and negative comments wash over you like water off a duck's back. Learn how to keep calm, not take things to heart and to know what to say when people are negative or nasty. Don't let people get to you. Get the 2 CD set now! AU$45.00, with no extra for postage, world-wide.

Other free newsletters:

There are other newsletters bursting with practical tips on the rachelgreen.com website for you to read or print off whenever you wish. Click here to read them.

Tips

Benefit from other useful tips on the rachelgreen.com website. Topics range from how to talk to teenagers or elderly parents to personality types, body language and developing your emotional intelligence. Click here to read them.

5. Your problems answered

Each fortnight I select one letter we have been sent requesting advice and reply to it. Write us a letter. Gain some free advice. Get your problems answered, now. (You will not be identified).

Dear Rachel,
I would like to hear what you think about my situation. I was reading the letter and response regarding the woman who has been with her husband for 17 years and is getting bored.

My partner and I have been living together for almost 4 years, we are happy, get on really well and have a very open communication with each other. We are quite affectionate to each other and when we are not working we spend most of our time doing things together. We have recently built a house and are seriously discussing the idea of getting married and starting a family next year. We are both in our early 20's however we feel that the timing is right to settle down. I would like to know your opinion on people settling down whilst they are still young and tips on how to stay out of the "rut" that many couples slowly find themselves in.
Staying in love.

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Dear Staying in love,
My advice to anyone getting married is probably the same, irrespective of your age. I know some 45 year olds who don't know how to have a happy relationship and some younger people who have very mature relationships. While some might say being in your early 20s is too young to settle down, I disagree. It's the willingness you have to develop, work on and maintain your relationship through all the hurdles that life throws you that matters. I was married at 21 and have no regrets at all, over 30 years later. Consider giving yourself time to settle down after marriage before having children though, but not all would agree that is important.

Here are some tips on having an enduring relationship from an early age.

1. Above all else get to know your personality types so you have a deeper understanding of who you are from the very beginning. I regret not knowing this when I first married. If I were allowed to be a benevolent dictator I'd say all people getting married or settling down should go for counselling sessions with the Myers Briggs Type Indicator. It can make such a huge difference.
   

2. Build up friendships and activities with other people. Don't just spend all your time together - your relationship can go stale over time. Relationships can benefit from having a buffer zone of other people around them. If you have problems then there are others to support you. If you have outside interests then you bring fresh stimulation into the home.
   

3. If you have children, make sure you still invest time in your primary relationship, i.e. the two of you. I know couples who grow apart because all the love and attention is directed at the children. Keep an exclusive zone, whether this is a time or a place, which is only for the two of you.
   

4. Go out of your way to treat each other. Deliberately do things for each other simply because your partner likes it. Forget the power plays. Forget the "Why should I bother?" Just do nice things for each other.
   

5. Have a joint hobby. If you haven't a joint hobby already find a new one together. Whether it is ballroom dancing, the football or bird watching it doesn't matter, as long as you both enjoy it and you enjoy doing it together.
   

There are numerous other aspects I could mention if we had more space. I hope these help. The response I gave in the earlier newsletter contains other useful ideas too.
May you be happy together.
With kindness and encouragement,
Rachel.

6. Check your Fortnightly Feelings: I felt marginalised.

How many feeling words do you have in your vocabulary? You need the language of emotions to understand and think about emotions and to communicate clearly. Each fortnight I will include a feeling word for you to try out over the next fortnight. Also if you have an example of when you've felt like this - please send it to me. I'm collecting examples to go in a dictionary of feeling words I'm writing. If you get included you get a free copy of the dictionary.

Today's word is marginalised.
A friend was talking to me the other day about a client she had who felt marginalised. What an interesting emotional word I thought, have I ever felt marginalised? Yes, I remember the time when I was at a friend's party. People were drinking alcohol and I wasn't. However I wasn't drawing attention to the fact but had quietly slipped into the kitchen and made myself a cup of peppermint tea. (Goodness, not even ordinary tea! That's a good way to feel marginalised!) I made no fuss, no comment, I was just standing drinking, at peace with the world and what was happening round me. Then along came another woman I knew, with a beer bottle in her hand. "Rachel, what on earth ARE you drinking" she exploded with disgust. "Just a cup of peppermint tea" I said meekly (wishing I'd said, a well disguised brandy and coke!") "Oh you are so holier than thou in your attitude" and she proceeded to admonish me for not drinking alcohol. I felt marginalised!

The strength of the emotion:
The strength of the emotion varies according to the importance of the context and the duration of the context. People with different religious beliefs, attitudes, ethnic origins, sexual preferences and the like, can feel marginalised for a life time. This can be a very serious emotion. For me it was a passing emotion. I decided she was no advert for alcohol and to stay clear of parties at that place, and the feeling went away! Have you felt marginalised? Tell me your story. I'd be thrilled to hear it.

Associated emotions:
Isolated, outcast, separate from, set apart from, on my own, lonely, different, rejected, unwanted, on the outer, excluded.

7. Laugh your socks off.

Thanks to Rachel's Reflections reader, Kaye Hodgson, Curtin University, for this joke.

A man and his wife are awakened at three o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to

May you find calm amidst the storms of life and keep your cool even when others aren't keeping theirs!
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.

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How I can help you, now.

If you would like to have a conference, event or function with an energetic and entertaining speech, to boost your communication, presentation skills, emotional intelligence or networking strategies, I can do this for you. E-mail me or Genevieve, my Personal Assistant, on or call +61 8 9390 1188, or fax +61 8 9390 1199.

You can also attend regular public seminars in Western Australia, to develop your communication, presentation skills, emotional intelligence or networking strategies. You are guaranteed to get top quality information in an easy-to learn fashion that you can apply immediately at work or home. To be automatically kept up-to-date on future courses please e-mail us at: . You receive the course information first on this list.

If you need to enhance your staff's or executive's communication, presentation, people management or emotional intelligence skills, I can help you by providing in-house, tailor-made training or one-on-one coaching. Ask me now!

Wanting to learn in your own time?

There are four CDs and a book to help you:

1. "Happy not hassled: Manage your emotions, meditate and find contentment": 2 CD set, only $45.
2. "How not to take things personally: Dealing positively with negativity": 2 CD set only $45.
3. "Midlife and Happiness": A book to inspire anyone over 40. Only $34.95.
4. "How to be a winner at dinner: Chat and network with confidence": (presently on back order): 3 CD set and booklet, only $75.
5. "Becoming a skilled communicator": 3 CD set, only $60.
   

Order all 5 in one go and you will receive a bonus saving of 10%. To order e-mail us now:

Make sure you read the next Rachel's Reflections:

	Being full of confidence.
	How to respond to put-downs.

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