Welcome to this 150th edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication providing you with practical, dynamic help to develop your emotional intelligence and communication skills.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
Visit our website at http://www.rachelgreen.com
In this edition:
- Love Laughter.
- Latest news: RachelGreen.Com gets an upgrade!
- Top tips on how to bring more laughter into your life.
- How you can learn more at home or work, immediately: Midlife and Happiness - a free copy to give away to a friend.
- Your problems answered: "Dear Ignored at meetings".
- Fortnightly Feelings: "I felt tenderness".
- Laugh your socks off.
1. Love Laughter.
I was listening to the radio recently. It was one of the gardening programmes and participants were talking about recycling kitchen waste. The subject of citrus peel came up and whether this would be suitable for worm farms. "No" said one of the guys, "but cows will eat it." One of the other presenters responded with a huge grin saying light-heartedly, "That's helpful, lots of us have a cow in our backyard. You have, don't you Stan?"
"Actually I have two in my quarter acre block", he said, laughing. I roared with laughter. However this was in stark contrast to the guy who mentioned the cows, he didn't laugh. Instead there was a moment of stoney silence and he continued, ignoring the comments. Now, it may not sound funny here but it was hilarious. And he spoilt it.
Relax and laugh at your own expense. It's a great way to build relationships, intimacy and trust. If you can't laugh at yourself other people may think you are arrogant, "up-yourself" or boring. Also, if you are presenting, telling funny stories about yourself can bring great laughter. An audience likes to know you are human, and it's a nice, humble contrast to egocentric presenters. And besides which, laughter is a health tonic. Give your immune system a boost today. How can you increase laughter in your life? The tips come later. Being able to relax and laugh at your own expense is an essential life skill!
2. Latest news: RachelGreen.Com gets an upgrade!
We have a brand new phone system! It includes an extra line, new phones which seem to do everything except cook us dinner, a new mobile complete with camera, broadband - a multitude of changes. Today, I was struggling to keep up. Change can make simple things seem difficult. I couldn't believe it took me about 30 minutes to work out how to get the back off my new mobile phone. In the end someone who was visiting the office did it for me. Then, I realised my teenage Godsons would be revelling in the new technology and of course it wouldn't seem "new" to them, just an everyday thing. I have a feeling they'll be getting a phone call soon to say, "help, show me what you do with all these options." Change is challenging - even when it is good change or change you have chosen. The hardest change to cope with is change that is imposed on you. And most people have a lot of that at the moment in their jobs. So much so, I have noticed that the number of requests I am receiving to run change workshops is increasing quite dramatically. I teach the emotionally intelligent ways to cope with change. And one of these is to accept the range of feelings that change can produce and to know how normal different feelings are. In many work situations there seems to be an expectation that staff will be excited about change. This is only one of many natural emotions as a response. So I was sitting there yesterday noticing I was feeling overwhelmed with all the new details, but instead of getting grumpy and wishing we hadn't got a new phone system, I was able to acknowledge how I was feeling and say to the technician, "Hey I am overwhelmed, let's take a break and have a Tim Tam!" Great strategy. I figured I'd better practise what I preach. By the way, if you call us over the next few days please excuse Genevieve and me if we press the wrong buttons, it's all part of the learning to cope with change process.
3. Top tips on how to have more laughter in your life.
Tip A. Collect funny CDs, videos and DVDs.
Go out and seek laughter. Buy videos or DVDs of comedians, funny movies or silly situations that make you laugh and watch them. Invite your friends and family around to laugh. It doesn't matter what you find amusing - just make sure something does.
Tip B. Keep a joke book in the toilet.
Take spare minutes to stock up on jokes or funny stories. Keep a joke book in the toilet and come out laughing. I heard yesterday that the average person goes to the toilet 6 times a day and over a life time this adds up to 3 years spent in the toilet. That's a lot of laughter to boost your immune system.
Tip C. Share jokes with others.
I have a vision of a world with greater smiles and happiness. The world can seem more fearful and negative than ever before and it's easy to feel despondent and helpless to effect a change. And yet you have the power to change the situation by spreading laughter. If you know a good story, a joke, or have had something amusing happen to you, tell as many people as you can. Laughter spreads. If you help someone else laugh and she or he tells a second person who laughs, that person will tell someone else too. And on the laughter will roll! So share a funny today.
Tip D. Stop taking yourself so seriously.
See the funny side of life. Please give yourself permission to laugh, to not take everything too seriously. You could join a laughter club, ask others who laugh a lot to teach you how, and in any way possible see both the light and serious sides of life.
Tip E. Be silly.
When we were children it was possible for most of us to do silly things and laugh spontaneously out-loud. We've probably all heard children shriek with laughter, they have such a good time. Regain your lost childhood. Find a time to simply be silly and laugh. Maybe you're too embarrassed to be silly. If you are, find a trusted friend or be silly in private! Last time my sister came to visit, we went down the road walking like stiff tin soldiers, kicking our straight legs up high, swinging a stiff arm and making marching sounds just like we did as kids - and we laughed big time. Our husbands kept some distance back, but at the same time laughed at our having such a good time together. Be silly sometimes.
4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.
Midlife and Happiness
"Midlife And Happiness" contains real stories about 14 different people, aged 40 - 61, their thoughts, feelings, problems, triumphs and lives. Some of my life story is in there too. Be inspired and find ways to conquer sleeplessness, survive separation, overcome anxiety, find an inner journey to peace, cope with a friend dying, find a new life over 40, develop a spiritual path and more! Order now! Only $34.95, with no extra for postage, world-wide! I hope you'll read it.
BONUS OFFER: A free book to give to a friend. If you purchase "Midlife and Happiness" you'll get a second one completely free to give to a friend this Christmas. Hurry and order now, as this offer closes on 30th November 2004.
Other free newsletters:
There are other newsletters bursting with practical tips on the rachelgreen.com website for you to read or print off whenever you wish. Click here to read them.
Tips
Benefit from other useful tips on the rachelgreen.com website. Topics range from how to talk to teenagers or elderly parents to personality types, body language and developing your emotional intelligence. Click here to read them.
NEW TIPS "Coping with people who go silent on you".
5. Your problems answered
Each fortnight I select one letter we have been sent requesting advice and reply to it. Write us a letter. Gain some free advice. Get your problems answered, now. (You will not be identified).
Dear Rachel,
I am concerned with a lack of eye contact from my usually lovely male boss. My position is Personal Assistant with a team of four including myself. When having a meeting with the staff who are senior to me he only eye contacts them. My colleagues have also recognised this and made a plan to put me in the middle when having a meeting so his eyes cannot leave me out of the conversation. But his eyes have turned into rubber bouncing balls and now he looks at the senior staff at my left, then his eyes go down to the desk passing me, then he looks up again at the other senior staff member on my right. My question is how do you get somebody to give you some respect and not make you feel like you are so unimportant you should not be in the meeting.
Ignored.
Dear Ignored,
I can understand how disconcerting it is to feel ignored and unimportant. Eye contact and other aspects of body language do convey very important signals, and when eye contact excludes you in a meeting then it can feel very uncomfortable. What is not known, and it is very important to realise this, is that you do not know why he is doing this. It is very easy to read into what people are doing and to be sure you know why they are acting in the way that they are, but we are not always right. You are making the assumption that he thinks you are inferior, that you are insignificant and unimportant. Why do you think that? Lack of eye contact is not sufficient evidence to support this. Is there any evidence that he treats you as inferior in other situations, or is this just specific to this particular situation? The reason I ask this is because you open with the statement "my usually lovely boss" as if under other circumstances he treats you with respect.
The only way to find out is to ask him. I can't guess. People may not have eye contact for many reasons. For example, they feel embarrassed or nervous for some reason, they've been brought up to believe it's impolite, they find another person sexually attractive or distracting, they want to control interruptions, or similar reasons. Also of course, it is important not to assume people are guilty of deliberate malicious intent. They may simply do it out of ignorance, a lack of skill or sheer habit. They may not even be aware of what they are doing.
It's really important that you don't automatically assume the worst about yourself or take it personally. The present way for dealing with the situation isn't working. It's an indirect attempt to trick him into eye contact. Maybe you could consider a more direct way to deal with it and that is to discuss it with him. I am presuming you get on well given your opening comment, so to say something like, "May I clear something with you please? At meetings I feel ignored as you don't have eye contact with me. I'm wondering what's going on." An alternative way to say it might be, "May I clear something with you please? I'm feeling uncomfortable at meetings because you don't have eye contact with me. Please can you include me."
If you find that you do take things personally, learn to protect yourself. This lack of eye contact is disconcerting but protect yourself from being hurt by his ignorance. We have a CD set which helps you not to take things to heart, How not to take things personally. It's good fun to listen to as I am helping a group of 100 people to cope with all sorts of negativity in the workplace so they don't become affected by it. It is a good set of skills to have so that poor behaviour from others doesn't hurt you or leave you feeling bad about yourself. Stand tall!
With kindness and encouragement,
Rachel.
6. Check your Fortnightly Feelings: "I felt tenderness".
How many feeling words do you have in your vocabulary? You need the language of emotions to understand and think about emotions and to communicate clearly. Each fortnight I will include a feeling word for you to try out over the next fortnight. Also if you have an example of when you've felt like this – please send it to me. I'm collecting examples to go in a dictionary of feeling words I'm writing. If you are included you get a free copy of the dictionary.
Today's word is tenderness.
This is a beautiful, soft gentle emotion, full of love and caring. Many men and women feel it when dealing with something or someone in their care who is vulnerable or a lot smaller than they are, such as a new-born baby, a bedraggled puppy or a little baby chicken. Children can ooze it when they are around animals and you'll see it when they are holding a puppy dog and stroking it, caressing it, talking to it and cooing at the same time! They feel tenderness towards it.
The strength of the emotion: It's a deep emotion arising from a well of love and caring. It's strength is in its gentleness.
Associated emotions:
Sensitive, caring, gentle, benevolent, kind, appreciative, affectionate, fondness, warmheartedness, love, compassion, sympathetic or warm.
7. Laugh your socks off.
Thanks to Rachel's Reflections reader, Amy Carney from London, for these funny sayings.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
May laughter fill your belly and your being.
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.
How I can help you, now.
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Make sure you read the next Rachel's Reflections:
 | Catch the chat - what to say at Christmas functions.
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| What men want to know about women.
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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have in your communication, inter-personal or people skills. Thank you.
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