CONFIDENCE 4 U

Catchy chat at Christmas.

08-Dec-2004, Number 151

Welcome to this 151st edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication providing you with practical, dynamic help to develop your emotional intelligence and communication skills.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
Visit our website at http://www.rachelgreen.com

In this edition:

1. Catchy chat at Christmas.
   
2. Latest news: Ups and downs of change, especially at midlife.
3. Top tips on how to chat at Christmas.
4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.
5. Your problems answered: Dear "Lost for Words".
6. Fortnightly Feelings: "I despise him."
7. Laugh your socks off.
   

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1. Catchy chat at Christmas.

Talking to strangers, family, staff, colleagues, clients, neighbours, friends, and more is a big part of Christmas. People are Christmas. Make catchy, interesting conversations this Christmas. Be inspiring. Change topics. Create topics. Contribute. Listen. Tell interesting stories. Find fascinating topics. Be open. Talk about your year. Make your Christmas functions buzz! Enjoy the chat. Enjoy Christmas. Read on for how to do this...

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2. Latest news: Ups and downs of change, especially at midlife.

We've got lots of new subscribers from Sir Charles Gairdner Hospital this fortnight - you are warmly welcomed. I had the privilege of running a day on "Emotional Intelligence and Change" last week with 80 people from the hospital. The message was simple - Emotions Matter. If you are dealing with a big or small change don't expect to always feel excited about it. Instead know that a range of emotions is normal whether it be shock, anger, anxiety, resentment or depression. When you know these emotions are a normal response to change you can stop worrying about them and move through them more easily. So even if you've chosen the change, whether a new job, to get married or to move house, expect to feel a variety of emotions and allow them. And aren't there a lot of changes to cope with these days? Nothing seems to stand still any more. One of the biggest sets of changes we may cope with occurs at Midlife. It may be the menopause, hair loss, the children leaving home, parents dying, sleeplessness, new relationships, ... there is much adjustment to do. The book "Midlife and Happiness" helps with lots of these. As we ran out of the book at the "EI and Change" seminar, I've repeated last fortnight's special offer - buy one copy of "Midlife and Happiness" and get one free to give as a gift to a friend. This is our most popular special and it's only for Rachel's Reflections readers. Hurry and order now, as the offer closes on 15th December 2004. Click here to order.

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3. Top tips on how to chat at Christmas.

Tip A. Stop dead-ended questions.

Stop the yes/no questions - they can kill conversation. If you ask questions such as, "Are you looking forward to Christmas?", "Have you had a busy year?" or "Did you get your Christmas cards finished?" the possible answers are so limited, conversation is not likely to flow easily. Instead you'll be searching for more and more questions or comments. Most people don't even realise they are asking them, do you?

Tip B. Ask open-ended questions.

Ask questions which give people plenty of scope to respond. Make the questions plural and you'll have even more chance of the conversation flowing. Here are two possible plural questions to ask.

	What kinds of things will you be doing over Christmas and New Year?
	What were your reactions to Christmas as a child?

You can also ask comparative questions, such as:

	"How did this year compare with last year?"
	"How did your holiday in India compare with your one in Bali?"
	"How does this Christmas compare to those you had as a child?"

By using the best questions you have the most chance of conversation flowing easily, the less work the better, I say!

Tip C. Talk about topics other than Christmas.

Don't just talk about Christmas! There comes a point when people tire of the same old topics and questions, and Christmas can be overdone as a topic at Christmas. So try as many other topics as you can muster. Here are some: holidays, travel, cricket, tennis, favourite books, religion, food, music, health, memories of childhood, history and how things used to be, your hobbies, the other person's hobbies, families, work, goals and aspirations, adventures you've had, current issues, the environment, pets and animals, cars, fashion, your secret fears, your most scary memory, your favourite aunt, people you admire, favourite television programmes ... anything! Variety helps make catchy chat at Christmas. And it makes you more interesting too.

Tip D. Talk about yourself.

Don't interrogate people with questions and expect them to make all the conversation. You also need to do the talking. Good conversation is 50% you talking and 50% you listening. Be generous in what you share about yourself. Describe your experiences, thoughts, knowledge, goals, dreams, memories, activities, ideas ... help the other person get to know you. Conversations are the foundation stone of relationships. Sharing who you are is a vital part of that. As a general guideline talk for about 3 sentences worth before asking a question. This will help the conversation to flow. Short answers make for stilted conversations.

Tip E. Stay on one topic.

It's very easy for people to flit across the surface of a topic and get to know very little about each other. Also when you keep changing topics you can run out of topics very quickly. Take a genuine interest in what the other person is saying and let them say their bits without frequent or trivial interruptions such as, "How old are your children?", or "What do you do?" Instead, encourage a deepening of the topic by exploring further what has been said. Stay on the topic and enjoy the conversation more.

4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.

Midlife and Happiness "Midlife And Happiness" describes the lives of 14 different people, including mine, and their thoughts, feelings, changes, problems and triumphs. It is inspiring reading for anyone aged 38 - 65 who wants to learn to breeze through, or understand the changes between 40-65; to find more energy or balance, greater health and happiness, or a clearer sense of purpose or direction. Be inspired. Order now! Have it delivered straight to your doorstep for only $34.95, with no extra for postage, world-wide. I hope you'll read it.

SPECIAL OFFER: A FREE book to give to a friend. If you purchase "Midlife and Happiness" you'll get a second one completely free to give to a friend this Christmas. Hurry and order now, as this offer closes on 15th December 2004. If you are outside Australia it won't reach you by Christmas but inside Australia we will post it urgently to you.

Other free newsletters:

There are other newsletters bursting with practical tips on the rachelgreen.com website for you to read or print off whenever you wish. Click here to read them.

Tips

Benefit from other useful tips on the rachelgreen.com website. Topics range from how to talk to teenagers or elderly parents to personality types, body language and developing your emotional intelligence. Click here to read them.

5. Your problems answered

Each fortnight I select one letter we have been sent requesting advice and reply to it. Write us a letter. Gain some free advice. Get your problems answered, now. (You will not be identified).

Dear Rachel,
I am at a loose end at present, because my brother is in the final days of his life. Dying people just lose all interest in politics and other (perhaps trivial) earthly matters, and I am really struggling to be a comfort to him because it's hard for me to keep our (telephone) conversations going - he lives in London and this makes it even more important that I develop my 'conversational skills' with the dying. I've told him how grateful I am for his love and encouragement and I made sure I told him about all the things that really mattered to me. But apart from these discussions, I am really struggling and I know that we both want to talk more - even for just a few more minutes. Do you have any information or references that might help me?
Lost for words.

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Dear Lost for words,
How hard this is for both of you. I can feel the pain of your wanting. It is only natural that in such a difficult situation you would feel unsure about what to say. Most people feel awkward talking about death when they are well, never mind coping with the death of someone they love with the burden of distance to add to their grief. How good it is that you have reached out for help. You have the opportunity, that many miss, to now deepen your relationship in a way you may never have done before.

Here are some suggestions for you.

Talk about what it is like to be dying – do not avoid this. Ask him questions. What does he fear about it? What does he think will happen once he dies? How does it feel? What is the worst part? What is the best part? It's not as though he won't have been thinking about it or that you will be putting ideas into his head. Be brave and be interested, and ask him what it is like for him. He may be very grateful to share his experiences instead of having people tip-toeing around the subject and never mentioning it. Your being comfortable with him dying will help him to let go and die in peace.

Learn together. Ask him what he would like to talk about. Ask him what he is thinking about. Help him know your feelings at this time. Say you find it difficult to know what to say yet your heart is full of love and you long for good conversation with him and yet are not sure what to talk about.

Talk about your shared history and memories. Talk about what it was like to be growing up together, talk about your memories of the family, the highlights, the key stages in your lives.

Ask him about his life. Help him review his life. Talk about any regrets he has. Talk about any regrets you have. Tell him things he has never known about you. Make the most of the time you have together, ask any questions you have and encourage your brother to do the same of you. Do not hold back.

Talk about how much you will miss him, talk about how much you love him.

If you have any favourite songs, prayers, poems, nursery rhymes, or anything like this, join in together down the phone. You can sing together, do anything together, down the phone. When my father was dying I sang all his favourite hymns and songs to him. He was a boy scout leader so I did the whole repertoire of boy scout songs as we used to sing them in the car when we travelled together. And of course, you can cry together.

... and tell him some jokes. Oh gosh, people tend to treat death with such seriousness it can make it even harder for those who are dying. They can still laugh. In fact sometimes they can laugh more easily than before. Help him laugh and relax.

My thoughts are with you both, it is a difficult journey you are on. Stay loving with him and you will help him greatly. The conversations you have with him now will bond you forever. Our relationships do not end once a person has died, they stay in our hearts and minds for as long as we wish. May you be comforted in sharing very special times with him. And may he die in peace and with the love of his sister in his heart.

I hope this helps.
Much kindness,
Rachel.

6. Check your Fortnightly Feelings: Despise.

How many feeling words do you have in your vocabulary? You need the language of emotions to understand and think about emotions and to communicate clearly. Each fortnight I will include a feeling word for you to try out over the next fortnight. Also if you have an example of when you've felt like this – please send it to me. I'm collecting examples to go in a dictionary of feeling words I'm writing. If you get included you get a free copy of the dictionary.

Today's word is despise.

When people do things that violate your values or sense of what is right and wrong; or they act in a way that you think is wrong, or disgusting or uncaring, you may despise them. For example, Amanda wrote to me recently. She says, "there is a politician that I despise at the moment. He consistently puts out policies and statements that promote hatred within our society. He propagates policies of violence, makes arrogant statements that imply our country is superior to other countries and has been responsible for the innocent slaughter of thousands of men and women. I feel powerless to have any influence over him and yet he has influence over the lives of millions of people. I think he has an evil intent (based on ignorance and stupidity) and I despise him."

The strength of the emotion: It's a strong, powerful emotion, not for the faint-hearted.

7. Laugh your socks off.

Thanks to Rachel's Reflections reader, Wendy Jacobsen, at Sir Charles Gairdner Hospital, for this joke.

The Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to

I wish you a wonderful Christmas and conversations which make you feel connected and content.
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.

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Wanting to learn in your own time?

There are four CDs and a book to help you:

1. "Happy not hassled: Manage your emotions, meditate and find contentment": 2 CD set, only $45.
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Make sure you read the next Rachel's Reflections:

	The good, the bad and the ugly in customer service.
	What men want to know about women.

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