Happy Christmas and welcome to this 152nd edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication providing you with practical tips to develop your emotional intelligence and communication skills.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
Visit our website at http://www.rachelgreen.com
In this edition:
- How to have a happy Christmas.
- Latest news: Spreading good news.
- Top tips on how to have happiness at Christmas.
- How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.
- Your problems answered: Dear "Why won't he commit?"
- Fortnightly Feelings: "I was comfortable."
- Laugh your socks off.
1. How to have a happy Christmas.
Christmas is an emotionally intense time, one of the emotional peaks in the yearly emotional cycle. Everyone wishes everyone a happy Christmas. But do we really have happiness at Christmas? Or are we all worn out by the hassles of Christmas shopping, having to prepare food and an endless round of Christmas functions? Christmas is about contentment, about love and compassion. Make sure you really do have these things this Christmas. You don't need money to get them - they can't be bought, despite what the commercials tell you. And being happy is good for you. I've read research recently that said happiness can add years to your life - in fact up to 9 years. That's a lot. So how can you be happy at Christmas? Read on for the tips.
2. Latest news: Spreading good news.
Thanks to all those of you who have sent such kind Christmas wishes to Gen and myself at Rachel's Reflections. We are always happy to hear from you. The human response makes us realise we aren't just writing to the black hole of cyber space. We both wish you joy this Christmas. I'll be taking a break in January and Gen in December, but between us we'll make sure someone is in the office most days. Please be patient if you don't hear back straight away over Christmas and the New year though as we'll be rocking with Santa! The next newsletter will be sent on 12th January 2005. And the best letter I got this Christmas? News from one of our readers who had a terrible journey with thyroid cancer and then breast cancer. She wrote to say she's been cancer free for 11 years and how content she is with her new life style. How fantastic. I beamed with joy. Sending good news like this is wonderful. It is so easy to talk about all the negative things wrong in the world, to spread bad news stories, or to talk of the tragedies. But how much more inspiring it is to spread the good news. Have you told people good news lately? If not, start now! Bring cheer to Christmas.
3. Top tips on how to be happy at Christmas.
Tip A. Give gifts from the heart.
The commercialism of Christmas can put enormous financial pressure on people. People develop the desire to buy the best present, to give something really nice, to prove how much they care by spending a lot. It doesn't have to be like this. A gift from the heart can mean so much more. Make something for someone. This shows you care. Gen gave the rest of our staff some jam she'd made from her own fruit yesterday - what a lovely gift. It really is the thought that matters. A gift may be one of time - to spend a day with someone, to take an elderly relative for a drive, to weed their garden - these are real gifts. One of my friends often brings me flowers from her garden. I dance with pleasure! Much better than shop-bought flowers or a box of chocolates or a new pair of socks. And wonderfully, giving gifts from the heart can bring you as much happiness as the person receiving them.
Tip B. Be kind to people.
If you're getting together with your extended family and there are members of it who irritate and bore you, be kind. Being kind to people like this for a day or two or three can help keep the tensions low and help keep you happier. If you get irritated you're letting them take your happiness away. Keep it!
Tip C. Take time out.
Take a little part of each day over the festive season to simply have peace and quiet for yourself. It may only be 10 minutes, just on your own, or it may be a whole morning. What matters is that you relax and recharge your batteries. In that way you won't get so tired or exhausted and it will be easier to keep your mood up.
Tip D. Moderate the alcohol.
Oh, how tempting it is to overeat and drink too much. Drinking too much seldom produces happiness: it's more likely to produce hangovers, vomiting and fatigue, and even depression. Slip in some non-alcoholic drinks so you stay sober. I've found cranberry juice looks exactly like red wine - I take a bottle of cranberry juice with me so I can have some to drink and still enjoy myself.
Tip E. Celebrate in a new place.
Christmas is not always an easy time for people. Bad memories from the past, the loss of family members, loneliness, financial problems, ill health and more can all make Christmas a very difficult time. If this applies to you try changing your environment. If you've always celebrated Christmas in the front room at home and you have bad memories there, then find another place to celebrate and make a new start to Christmas. One of the best Christmases I ever had in Australia was on the beach where we had strawberries and champagne for breakfast. Now that was different. Another time we went to the zoo! It was fabulous to be amongst the animals. You might go to a park, a restaurant, a new church, somewhere you can start creating new and happy memories.
Tip F. Space out the socials.
You don't have to say "yes" to everything you're invited to. Have enough time in your calendar to have a nap, or a swim in the ocean (that's if you're in Australia) or time for yoga, meditation or to walk the dog. Pace yourself. Once fatigue sets in it's harder to stay happy. And for Introverts (using MBTI terminology) breaks between socialising are particularly important so you don't get "Extraverted" out. When you look after yourself this Christmas, it will be easier to stay happy. And your happiness is the greatest gift you can give anyone.
Tip G. Invite new or lonely people to share the day.
Not everyone has families to celebrate with. If you're having a family event think of inviting someone else too, someone who doesn't have a family, a new migrant for instance. Their happiness will become your happiness. The first Christmas we had in Australia we knew very few people. Yet we had a very happy time. At work I invited other people like us to our place, and in the end we had 7 different nationalities all celebrating together. And, an Australian family, Phil Gray and his folks, invited us round to their place for Christmas dinner with all their family - it was 36 degrees and we went in the swimming pool! It was a far cry from the snow and fog of Britain. We will always treasure the memory. Help others have happy memories and you'll gain their happiness.
4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.
Other free newsletters:
There are other newsletters bursting with practical tips on the rachelgreen.com website for you to read or print off whenever you wish. Click here to read them.
Tips
Benefit from other useful tips on the rachelgreen.com website. Topics range from how to talk to teenagers or elderly parents to personality types, body language and developing your emotional intelligence. Click here to read them.
5. Your problems answered
Each fortnight I select one letter we have been sent requesting advice and reply to it. Write us a letter. Gain some free advice. Get your problems answered, now. (You will not be identified).
This fortnight the letter is a little different in that I have included the response to my response - so you know what she thought.
Dear Rachel,
I have a dilemma which I suspect is not uncommon for women (and men) of my generation/age group. I am 28 and have been in a relationship for about two and a half years now with a great guy who I consider to be my best friend. I am very keen to get married to him as I feel that we are a good couple and could have a fantastic life together. I have also started to feel my clock ticking as I very much want a family. However he is reluctant to take any step forward at this point in time, including moving in together, although he also has no desire to end our relationship and appears to be very happy with me as well. I feel very much caught. I feel increasingly frustrated and rejected by his hesitancy, as well as scared that he may not decide until it's too late (or that his decision will be not to stay with me) but at the same time I do not want and am trying very hard not to push him into making a decision he is not ready to make. I try to realise that this is his issue, not mine, although being a sensitive soul I find this is difficult. I feel my only other option would be to break off the relationship, which I also have no desire to do as I cannot imagine our not being in each other's lives. Do you have any suggestions as to how to deal with this situation?
Why won't he commit?
Dear "Why won't he commit?"
This is very complicated and I am not sure I am the person to answer it – I have been married for over 30 years and have never faced this dilemma. I don’t want to give false suggestions. But I hope if I ask you some questions they can guide you to find your own answers as you have the wisdom inside you to work it out.
Are you getting confused about wanting to settle down, wanting babies and wanting this guy? You don’t say you love him. You don’t say you want his children. You don’t say what you offer him. What is that you love about him? What are the strengths of your existing relationship?
You say it his issue, I also think it is yours. Are you putting in as much to the relationship as you are wanting him to give out? What are you giving to the relationship? What would be the advantages of his moving in with you or marrying you, for him?
Maybe you could work on differentiating all these issues to see whether it is really that you want to spend your life giving him your love, or whether you are simply wanting to get married because that’s what people do; or whether you are wanting a father for children.
Why the rush? What is so important about being 28 that can't wait until you are 29? People have children still at 30 or 35 or 38 ...
Why is it so important that you marry him? You don’t have to get married to have a wonderful relationship. Every relationship is different. I have friends who have been together over 20 years without ever being married – they joke about never wanting to be committed! They have a beautiful relationship. I also have very close friends that I wouldn’t want to marry. I am not clear on the basis of the relationship you talk about. What is your relationship founded on?
Society puts all of us in some way under incredible pressure to conform to some fairy tale “norm” of being heterosexual, married and having 2.3 children, but really it is only a fairy tale. Some never marry, some live together, some live apart – it’s being happy and caring for yourself and others that really matters not whether you have been married. After all 1 in every 3 marriages ends in divorce in Australia and of the remaining a fair few are sites of horrific domestic violence ... so marriage isn’t everything.
Sometimes confusion arises simply because we don't ask the right questions. I hope these questions help, only you know the right answers for you.
Love the man you love and who knows where it will lead you.
Happy Christmas,
Rachel.
Dear Rachel,
Thank you so much for that - that is very good advice and it is true. I think I have not separated my desire to get married and have children from my feelings for him. And yes, I think it is because getting married is what people do and I have always had it in my mind that that would be what I would do and I am anxious that it has not yet happened! I definitely love him. But sometimes that does get lost in everything else. Poor boy. Doesn't give him much of a chance, no wonder he is hesitant.
Thank you.
6. Check your Fortnightly Feelings: Comfortable.
How many feeling words do you have in your vocabulary? You need the language of emotions to understand and think about emotions and to communicate clearly. Each fortnight I will include a feeling word for you to try out over the next fortnight. Also if you have an example of when you've felt like this – please send it to me. I'm collecting examples to go in a dictionary of feeling words I'm writing. If you get included you get a free copy of the dictionary.
Today's word is comfortable.
Comfortable is a word often associated with our physical state or to an item such as comfortable shoes, or a comfortable chair. However it is also an emotion which indicates a level of ease we have with what is happening with our ideas, decisions or actions, and with our relationships with people. For example, I may be in a meeting and people suggest new ideas. After discussing it through I absorb the ideas and think them through. I can see the benefits of following the suggestions and see little that would go wrong. I check in with how I am feeling and realise I am comfortable with the ideas and I vote in favour of them.
The strength of the emotion: An easy going emotion that is associated with a mild feeling of pleasure and ease.
Associated emotions: At ease, contented, satisfied, relaxed, accepting, pleasant.
7. Laugh your socks off.
This joke appeared in the Veterinary Surgeons' Board of WA's Newsletter, and was sent to us by Dr Jenny Mills from Murdoch University, thanks to all.
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, the husband arose early and made his wife a nice big bowl of Coco Pops. After breakfast, he took her off to the local theme park. What a day. He put her on every ride in the Park: the Death Slide, The Wall of Fear, The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every ride there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Then it was off to McDonald's for a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake. Then it was off to the movies to see the latest Start Wars epic with her favourite hot dog, popcorn and soft-drink, and her favourite lollies, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure. Finally the exhausted birthday girl wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. The husband leaned over to his wife with a big smile and asked, "Well, dear what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened, and her expression suddenly changed. "You dumb dumb," she replied, "I meant my dress size."
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
May you have a wonderful Christmas full of happiness for you and all your family and friends. And spare a thought of loving-kindness for all those in Iraq and other places torn apart by war and hatred. Iraq is a dreadful place for anyone to be right now, people are living in terror, and we all need it to be a better place.
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.
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Make sure you read the next Rachel's Reflections:
 | How to survive home renovations.
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| What men want to know about women.
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| The good, the bad and the ugly in customer service.
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| Dealing with customer complaints.
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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have in your communication, inter-personal or people skills. Thank you.
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