Welcome to this 154th edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication providing you with practical, dynamic help to develop your emotional intelligence and communication skills.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
Visit our website at http://www.rachelgreen.com
In this edition:
- Oozing with confidence - you can do it too.
- Top tips on how to ooze with confidence and get rid of your fears.
- How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.
- Your problems answered: "Bored with ailments."
- Fortnightly Feelings: "I felt slighted."
- Feature course of the fortnight: "Confidence on tap." Book in now: .
- Laugh your socks off.
1. Oozing with confidence - you can do it too.
I have recently been working with a lot with people who get anxious about giving presentations or attending job interviews. What struck me the most was how cruel they were to themselves. They would spend most of their time pulling themselves down, thinking they would go blank, presuming the audience would be hostile, wondering what would happen if they couldn't answer a question, and on they went. And guess what? Their confidence would drop. Some of them were quite surprised when I said they were training themselves to be nervous. That what they were doing was stopping themselves from feeling confident. That people who were confident did not do what they did. Do you knock your own confidence? Do you think of all the problems that might arise? Do you say negative things about yourself, to yourself? Do you train yourself not to do well? If you do, the good news is there are plenty of ways you can train yourself to do the opposite and to be confident rather than nervous. You can train yourself to ooze with confidence. You can be like other people and become confident talking to crowds or attending job interviews. You can learn to be at your best. Read on for how to do it.
2. Top tips on how to ooze with confidence and get rid of your fears.
Tip A. Deliberately remember the times you felt great.
Next time you feel good deliberately commit it to memory. Remember everything about it. Whether you are standing watching a sunset, talking with a close friend, stroking your dog, paddling on the river or winning a game of tennis, remember it. Remember how you felt in your body. Remember your facial expression. Remember how the scene looked. Remember the colours. Remember the sounds. Remember what was happening. Remember how you felt.
Tip B. Recall good times.
Whenever you are facing a task about which you are not as confident as you would like, bring to mind an image of when you felt great. Keep that in your mind. Recall it in as much detail as possible. Really pay attention to it. As you do this the feelings of confidence or happiness you had at the time will probably return. Train yourself to stay focused on this image and these feelings while you think about the task ahead. When I drive to a speaking engagement I recall my images of when I felt great. And I arrive feeling good. If you recall confidence you have more chance of being confident. Recall a bad time and you have more chance of feeling bad. Try it if you don't believe me! But don't stay focused on the bad time for long.
Tip C. Choose your thoughts to help you.
When you are thinking about the task ahead think about it in a way that will boost rather than knock your confidence. Telling yourself that you will go blank will not help you feel confident. Pulling yourself down will not help. Saying to yourself, "It's okay for that person they have the gift of the gab, I don't", or "I'll forget what I am saying", or "I never do well at interviews" will not help you. So why do it? Stop yourself. You can choose what you say to yourself. You can control this. Help yourself, say things that boost your confidence.
Tip D. Notice what went well.
After you've done the task notice what went well. If you were standing in front of an audience and you managed to have good eye contact, remind yourself of this. If, at the end of your interview you asked a thoughtful question acknowledge this to yourself. If, after you've spoken out at a meeting your manager praises you, say "thank you" and remind yourself of the praise. Don't just pay attention to what you didn't do perfectly. Someone who is confident doesn't sit down after a presentation and berate themselves for what went wrong or say to themselves "Thank goodness that is over". So why do you? You can gain more confidence simply by what you do. Do what confident people do. Practise being confident.
3. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.
How not to take things personally: Dealing positively with negativity
Let snide comments, angry outbursts and negative comments wash over you like water off a duck's back. Learn how to keep calm, not take things to heart and to know what to say when people are negative or nasty. Don't let people get to you. Get the 2 CD set now! AU$45.00, with no extra for postage, world-wide!
Other free newsletters:
There are other newsletters bursting with practical tips on the rachelgreen.com website for you to read or print off whenever you wish. Click here to read them.
Tips
Benefit from other useful tips on the rachelgreen.com website. Topics range from how to talk to teenagers or elderly parents to personality types, body language and developing your emotional intelligence. Click here to read them.
4. Your problems answered
Each fortnight I select one letter we have been sent requesting advice and reply to it. Write us a letter. Gain some free advice. Get your problems answered, now. (You will not be identified).
Dear Rachel,
I have a person at work who comes to me constantly to moan about her "illnesses". I have tried in my mind to accept that these ailments are very real to her, I'm afraid deep down I think they are all hypochondriac attempts for attention. I have tried sitting and listening to the litany of symptoms. I have tried burying myself deep in my work and excusing her by saying, "I'm sorry, I really am working towards a deadline right now, I can't stop". And I have also tried making actual practical suggestions as to how she can fix these things that are wrong with her body. I think it is actually her spirit that is ailing but I can't really approach that subject with her - this person is my boss. Just once when I ask the question "How are you" I would like the answer to be, "Well thanks, and you". Is there anything that you are able to suggest?
Bored with ailments.
Dear Bored with ailments,
Thanks so much for this. What a difficult situation because she is your boss. I'm wondering if she is lonely? Maybe she is not very happy with her work? Maybe she wants to be friends and doesn't know how? Maybe she is depressed? Maybe she is really ill? Is she wanting to have contact with you and has decided that the best way to involve you is through a discussion of illness? Maybe she sees you as empathic towards illnesses?
What matters here is that you don't jump too quickly to closing off to her. That you can stay open to the different factors that may underlie her behaviour. In this way you may find it easier to tolerate the situation and help her. You have to be able to work with her. Can you find a way to do this?
One other suggestion is to praise her for the things you do like talking to her about. So, if you get on to a more positive topic such as holidays, hobbies, favourite TV shows or great progress on projects at work, tell her how much you enjoy talking to her about these. It may go something like, "That was lovely hearing about your holidays, you've inspired me to go somewhere different next time", or "It is so good to hear that you are excited about the progress we are making on the project. Thanks so much for telling me. It sure helps me to know."
You might also give her some honest feedback about how hearing of her ailments makes you feel. In a very gentle and compassionate way though. Saying, "I'd wish you'd shut up about your ailments" is NOT how to say it! You might try something more like, "It sounds as though you have a lot of problems at the moment. I feel helpless to be able to do anything to help. Is there anything I can do?"
Straight forward compassion with a request for direction may also be more useful than trying to solve things for her. It may go as follows: "It sounds exhausting having to cope with so much. How may I help?"
If you want to become more compassionate to her or show empathy and understanding, there is a significant part of the 3 CD set, "Becoming a skilled communicator" that shows you how to do this. It's a great skill worth having and not just for your boss but for your children, partners, parents and neighbours! It is $60 for the set of 3. To order the CDs just e-mail us: or order them through the website.
I hope that you can find a way to connect with her at a deeper and more satisfying level.
With kindness and encouragement,
Rachel.
5. Check your Fortnightly Feelings: "I felt slighted".
How many feeling words do you have in your vocabulary? You need the language of emotions to understand and think about emotions and to communicate clearly. Each fortnight I include a feeling word for you to try out over the next fortnight. If you have an example of when you've felt like this or something else, please send it to me. I'm collecting examples to go in a dictionary of feeling words I'm writing. If you get included you get a free copy of the dictionary.
Today's word is slighted.
We were having a discussion in the recent Emotional Intelligence course on "Understanding Emotions". The topic under discussion was the number of managers who do not greet their staff on arrival at work or on meeting them for the first time that day. As the discussion continued it became apparent that it was quite a common occurrence and caused strong emotional reactions in people. This is what one of the participants said: "My manager will walk into a meeting and expect us to greet him and say good morning. Do you think we get a response? No way. He never bothers to say "Good morning" or to acknowledge our existence. We have all these people values as part of our organisation's values and the management can't even manage a smile or a good morning. I feel slighted. Once I've felt slighted this leads me to feel unappreciated as if I am worthless. Then I become incensed. This has happened for a long time. It is a normal societal custom to greet people. Even people who don't know you greet you. Then surely it is a sign of rudeness and arrogance not to greet your own staff.
The strength of the emotion is strong. Being slighted is a very uncomfortable emotion. What is also interesting is that it leads to even stronger emotions. She became incensed. However it is the underlying emotion of feeling slighted that matters most as without that the other emotions would not happen.
Associated emotions: Put-down, ignored, unworthy, dismissed, undervalued, uncared for, taken-for-granted, unappreciated, irrelevant, insignificant.
6. Laugh your socks off.
Thanks to Rachel's Reflections reader, Amy Carney, newly arrived back in Australia from 4 years in London, for this fortnight's funny.
"A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
May your confidence blossom.
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.
How I can help you, now.
If you would like to have a conference, event or function with an energetic and entertaining speech, to boost your communication, presentation skills, emotional intelligence or networking strategies, I can do this for you. E-mail me on or call +61 8 9390 1188, or fax +61 8 9390 1199.
Job interview training is available face-to-face or over the phone. Get the promotion you deserve. I am so confident I can help you, and my record of success is so high, that I guarantee that if you apply the strategies I teach you in your interview, and you do not get the job, I will give you a second session completely free any time in the next 12 months. Make an appointment now, e-mail:
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Wanting to learn in your own time?
There are four CDs and a book to help you:
- "Happy not hassled: Manage your emotions, meditate and find contentment": 2 CD set, only $45.
- "How not to take things personally: Dealing positively with negativity": 2 CD set only $45.
- "Midlife and Happiness": A book to inspire anyone over 40. Only $34.95.
- "How to be a winner at dinner: Chat and network with confidence": 3 CD set and 8 page booklet, only $75.
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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have in your communication, inter-personal or people skills. Thank you.
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