Welcome to this 157th edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication providing you with practical, dynamic help to develop your emotional intelligence and communication skills.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
Visit our website at http://www.rachelgreen.com
In this edition:
- We are all humans: a case for tolerance.
- Latest news: What do you want - happiness, love or something else? Your chance to WIN A PRIZE.
- Top tips on how to develop more tolerance.
- How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.
- Laugh your socks off.
1. We are all humans: a case for tolerance.
I was sitting in the dentist's waiting room recently. A gentleman was with the dentist and his wife was sitting near me. Another woman came in and sitting down next to her said, "I've driven all the way from Claremont but not been to this dentist before, does your husband know him?" "Yes" came the short reply. "Well what's the dentist like?" she asked. Her reply: "He's a foreigner". I nearly fell off my chair. Haven't we progressed beyond such narrow descriptions of people? Clearly not! Surely it was more important to comment on his kindness in handling a patient, his thoroughness in checking teeth or his ability to do pain-free dentistry. Is there a danger in classifying people in such a singular way? Absolutely. It limits our ability to relate to them or to treat them fairly. It's what leads to hatred and wars. How can we become more tolerant? Read on for the tips.
2. Latest news: What do you want - happiness, love or something else? Your chance to WIN A PRIZE.
We got more than the usual number of "thank you" e-mails in response to the newsletter on happiness last week. We live in a world which has suffering and sorrow and sometimes we can lose sight of the goodness and joy that is also possible. I wasn't expecting to get such a response. Thank you! As I work on our first E-book on presentation skills I am wondering what you would like the second one to be on. One possibility is "Happiness: how to find it easily without having to win lotto", or another one could be on "Relationships: How to stay in love forever and save yourself the pain of divorce." What do you think? Just send us an e-mail saying "yes" or "no" to either of these or give us your other suggestions for titles or content. We'll put all suggestions in a hat and give away some prizes to the names we draw out. I look forward to hearing from you.
3. Top tips on tolerance.
Tip A. Remember we all have the same human needs.
Just before you categorise people with derision as "foreigners" or "criminals" or "religious nuts" remember how much we all have in common. Everyone of us goes to the toilet. We all have a heart pumping to keep us alive. We all need food to eat. We all dislike pain. We all get sick. We all want to be happy. We are all the same human race. We all belong together. You may not use terms such as "foreigners" but maybe you call someone a "bastard" or "the youth-of-today" or a "typical man" or even "the mother-in-law". Instead, look beyond the label and think about the individual human you are meeting.
Tip B. Look for the good qualities.
The dentist was absolutely lovely. He was a gentleman. He was kind and pleasant. He was thorough. He took safety precautions. He treated me well. Notice the good qualities in people. We all have good and bad qualities irrespective of the place of our birth, our sexual preferences or religion, our age, our gender. When you notice the good qualities you may see a whole person, a person you've never fully recognised before. Tolerance and a more peaceful co-existence may blossom.
Tip C. Think of the reasons for someone's behaviour.
I was talking to someone who was expressing his disgust
at "Illegals". He was talking about the people who travel on illegal shipping vessels to find a better life in Australia. When he called them "Illegals" it allowed him to hate them, even though he'd never met any of them. Instead, think of the reasons for their behaviour. Why would anyone want to risk their lives and live in appalling and cramped conditions on a leaking boat? Maybe they simply want the best for their children. Don't we all? Why might customers yell down the phone? Maybe it's because they are scared they've lost their money. Why do people say negative things? Maybe it's because they don't like themselves, or they feel hurt, under attack or vulnerable. If you look for the reasons, tolerance can be easier to find. Most people talk of their dislike for wars and violence yet many of us carry our own wars within us. If we can let our own hatreds go, then we've moved a step towards a happier and safer society.
Tip D. Count more than one feature.
Focussing on just one aspect of a person, e.g. the country they were born in is too narrow. Broaden out and look at more than one feature of a person. This will help you be more tolerant. And why is it good to be more tolerant? Because when we carry anger, hate, resentment or derision these emotions harm us. They can raise our blood pressure, give us headaches, or make us crash our cars. And most of us prefer to be healthy, don't we?
4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.
Happy not hassled: Using meditation to manage your emotions and find contentment.
Are people getting to you? Don't let them. Learn how to stay calm and peaceful inside. Protect your own happiness. This two CD set gives you many tips on how to relax your mind and body, stay calm, de-stress and unwind. And I gently guide you through four different and easy-to-do meditations of varying lengths from 5 minutes to 30 minutes. I have found one particular meditation on here superb for building up my tolerance of people. I've used it to ease away past hurts and bitterness so I can be free of the pain. Be in control of your own happiness now and allow anger to ease. Get these 2 CDs and feel good about yourself. AU$45.00 with no extra for postage, world-wide. Order now!
To help you bridge the gap between yourself and other people we have a BONUS OFFER - If you purchase "Happy not Hassled" you'll get a second one completely free to give to someone else as a special way of getting to know them. Hurry and order now, as this offer closes on 4th May 2005.
Other free newsletters:
There are other newsletters bursting with practical tips on the rachelgreen.com website for you to read or print off whenever you wish. Click here to read them.
Tips
Benefit from other useful tips on the rachelgreen.com website. Topics range from how to talk to teenagers or elderly parents to personality types, body language and developing your emotional intelligence. Click here to read them.
5. Check your Fortnightly Feelings: "He felt hurt".
How many feeling words do you have in your vocabulary? You need the language of emotions to understand and think about emotions and to communicate clearly. Each fortnight I will include a feeling word for you to try out over the next fortnight. Also if you have an example of when you've felt like this – please send it to me. I'm collecting examples to go in a dictionary of feeling words I'm writing. If you get included you get a free copy of the dictionary.
Today's word is Hurt.
I was talking to a man recently who held a grudge against a teacher at school. He still remembered the cutting and humiliating remarks she had said to him in front of the class and the wound remained, so much so that some 18 years later, he would still like to seek revenge. Why would someone go to such extremes or carry bitterness for so long? Because he felt hurt. It is not a comfortable emotion. Yet, we don't always know that we feel it. Instead, we may move very quickly into resentment, blame and bitterness. Had this man recognised his hurt and found a safe way to express it, then the grudge could have gone.
Norma Bertram, one of our readers, sent me a quote this week by Maya Angelou, an American poet, which fits this story perfectly. "People will forget what you said ... people will forget what you did ... but people will never forget how you made them feel."
The strength of the emotion:
It can be a very vulnerable emotion, a very deep emotion.
Associated emotions:
Wounded, belittled, de-humanised, embarrassed, "made to feel stupid", "felt like a right jerk", in pain, bruised, injured, stung, distressed, offended, crushed, cut-up, humiliated.
6. Laugh your socks off.
Thanks to Rachel's Reflections reader, Sandra Goodwin from the Department of Treasury and Finance, for this joke. It proves how useful it is to understand each other's culture!
"A disappointed soft drink salesman returned from his Middle East assignment. His boss asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?" The salesman explained, "When I got posted to the Middle East, I was very sure to make a good sales pitch as our product was virtually unknown there. I didn't know to speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. My first poster was a man crawling through the hot desert sand, totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our soft drink and third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place."
"That should have worked," said the boss.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic but I didn't realise that Arabs read from right to left."
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
May you enjoy other people and find more contentment in your heart.
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.
How I can help you, now.
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- "Happy not hassled: Manage your emotions, meditate and find contentment": 2 CD set, only $45.
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- "Midlife and Happiness": A book to inspire anyone over 40. Only $34.95.
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Make sure you read the next Rachel's Reflections:
 | How not to be at cross purposes.
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| How to stop worrying.
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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have in your communication, inter-personal or people skills. Thank you.
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