Welcome to this 158th edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication providing you with practical, dynamic help to develop your emotional intelligence and communication skills.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
Visit our website at http://www.rachelgreen.com
In this edition:
- Confusion reigns.
- Latest news: Which E-book? The WINNER is ...
- Top tips on how not to talk at cross purposes.
- How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.
- Fortnightly Feelings: "I was inspired".
- Laugh your socks off.
1. Confusion reigns.
I was packing workshop materials in the boot of my car recently when I was accosted by a security guard. Knowing I'd done everything right, i.e. I'd signed in the book and was wearing my visitor's pass, I greeted her with a friendly smile. "You've got a visitor's pass" she stated. "Oh yes, yes I've got a visitor's pass", I agreed. "No, you've got a visitor's pass" she said with an edge of accusation. "Yes, I've got one, it's here, yes I'm wearing my visitor's pass". "I saw you drive in with a visitor's pass" she said, sounding exasperated. "Yes I did, I have signed in" I said wondering what she was on about. My visitor's pass was dangling there for everyone to see. She looked cross, "You've got your visitor's pass on". "Yes I have" I said agreeing with her. It was becoming a farce. The only thing that changed was the increasing angst on her face and the irritation in her voice. Still not having a clue what the issue was I decided I'd just tell her everything I knew about my visitor's pass. "When I came in this morning, I drove to reception to sign in. I signed in and the security guard gave me a visitor's pass. Then she said I could park my car in the visitor's car park and that's when you saw me". Her face seemed to soften. "Now I'm just putting things in my car. Then I'll return to reception and sign out." "Okay" she said begrudgingly and walked off. I wandered away shaking my head. And then it dawned on me. Maybe I wasn't supposed to wear my visitor's pass to the car park. She thought I'd driven in from elsewhere and had stolen a visitor's pass from someone - or I was about to leave the property and take it with me. Who knows! I was only guessing. I don't know if this was the story - she never said. Ever been at cross purposes? Frustrating isn't it? Yet it can be avoided with a bit of careful communication. Read on for how to do this.
2. Latest news: Which E-book? The winner is ...
Thanks so much for all the votes for the E-books. Both the one on happiness and the one on relationships got high counts - basically the message was to write both! The relationships one got more votes though. Seems like there are a lot of separations and divorces going on and many people wanting to keep their relationships ... so I'm going to start with that one first. I have begun encouraging my husband to write it with me. Best to get both sides of the story, I reckon! Gen has drawn a name out from all the e-mails and the winner of a free copy of Midlife and Happiness is: Nicola Tuckwell. Please send us your full postal address so we can send it to you Nicola. Congratulations.
3. Top tips on how not to talk at cross purposes.
Tip A. Give the context.
Explain yourself out loud. Explain yourself fully. Give the context for what you are saying. If the security guard had stated the rules for me, e.g. "It's against security to wear your visitor's pass outside the building, as we don't want you to be able to pass it on to someone else. I notice you're wearing one", I would have understood fully. She knew all that but it stayed in her head. All I got was her last thought. Give the context and gain clarity.
Tip B. Explain what led you to your conclusion.
Introverts on the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) are notorious for having conversations in their heads - and then either not telling people what they thought or just telling the conclusions. Include people in your thinking processes. I hear regularly from staff who complain that managers tell them decisions but don't say why or how the decisions have been made. It causes confusion. Even if you're an Introvert engage people in your thinking process. Explain what led to your decisions or conclusions.
Tip C. Do not assume - check what the person knows.
You've all heard about assumptions. They can ruin a good conversation. One person thinks that another person knows something so launches into a story taking prior knowledge for granted. The first person is left wondering what you are talking about because they don't in fact have the prior knowledge. Don't assume - check their knowledge first, e.g. "John, you know that Pete has applied for the engineering job, don't you?"
Tip D. Warn people when you change topics.
It's so easy to cause confusion when you leap from one topic to another without indicating to the other person you've moved on. Sometimes there has been an obvious link in your head from one topic to the next but no-one else has the link. If you continue as if the link is obvious but don't tell anyone, your listener may still be on the first topic. They'll be looking at you very oddly wondering what you're on about. I know this from personal experience - I can quickly make bizarre connections between topics and my husband is left asking, "What's that got to do with what we were talking about?"
4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.
Other free newsletters:
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Tips
Benefit from other useful tips on the rachelgreen.com website. Topics range from how to boost your bones or cope with midlife to personality types, body language and developing your emotional intelligence. Click here to read them.
5. Check your Fortnightly Feelings: Inspired.
How many feeling words do you have in your vocabulary? You need the language of emotions to understand and think about emotions and to communicate clearly. Each fortnight I will include a feeling word for you to try out over the next fortnight. Also if you have an example of when you've felt like this – please send it to me. I'm collecting examples to go in a dictionary of feeling words I'm writing. If yours is included you will get a free copy of the dictionary.
Today's word is inspired.
Monique from South Africa has written about all the different things that inspire her. She says she has multiple sclerosis and "Sometimes, it's the little things that inspire me, for example a student catches me off guard by smiling and saying thank you! At other times - it's the big things that inspire me - when I am not feeling well and I hear of the hardships among my friends - and mine seem so insignificant - these people make my soul soar with their ability to triumph in spite of uncertain times and treatment."
The strength of the emotion: This can be a very motivating emotion. When people are inspired they can be moved to change their lives, or to increase their determination to overcome problems; or to achieve more or to cope with less. It's a very important emotion. Many of us feel the opposite as we wake up to go to work!
Associated emotions: Motivated, energised, enthused, moved.
6. Laugh your socks off.
Thanks to Rachel's Reflections reader, Mike Green from CALM, for this fortnight's joke.
If you are outside of Australia I apologise if they don't seem funny. Aussies though will probably laugh - I laughed until it ached. I get asked so many questions about Australia by people who don't know where we are or what it's like here. And please do NOT believe the answers!
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which doesn't ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in King's Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in King's Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense Rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
May your lives be free of confusion.
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.
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Make sure you read the next Rachel's Reflections:
 | How Thinking types upset Feeling types.
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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have in your communication, inter-personal or people skills. Thank you.
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