Welcome to this 160th edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication providing you with practical, dynamic help to develop your emotional intelligence and communication skills.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
Visit our website at http://www.rachelgreen.com
In this edition:
- Conquering put-downs.
- Latest news: New course dates available.
- Top tips on taking the power out of put-downs.
- How you can learn more at home or work, immediately: Special offer: Gain two CD sets for the price of one.
- Fortnightly Feelings: "I was bored".
- Laugh your socks off.
1. Conquering put-downs.
One evening recently I was talking to three people about an event we were running and which I was coordinating. I was expressing concern about the lack of numbers we'd attracted when, without warning, one woman started putting me down. "You're such a high pressured person Rachel, one of those high achieving types, and a perfectionist", she said in a derogatory tone. Worse still she added, "I don't have pressure, I don't have to worry about things like you do, and I manage my life really well."
Ouch! One big put-down. How would you have felt had it been directed at you? Would you have felt hurt? Possibly even gone home feeling bad about yourself? And what response would you have made? Would you have wanted to say, "Get stuffed" or to make some sarcastic retort or to have defended yourself?
I think it's important that we don't do any of these and that we don't give our power away to other people's put-downs. It's an important part of being emotionally intelligent. How can you do this? Read on for the tips.
2. Latest news: New course dates available.
All course dates for the rest of the year have now been released. Make sure you have plenty of notice. Click here to go to the bookings page on the website. There are two more whole EI series as well as courses on assertion, public speaking and personality types.
3. Top tips on taking the power out of put-downs.
Tip A. Ignore any potential put-down.
If you don't accept a put-down then it has no power to hurt. A put-down is only a put-down if you take it to heart. If it just plops down into a vacant space in front of you and you don't pick it up then it withers where it falls. And this is what I did with these comments. While this woman was giving me the dressing down I consciously decided to make no comment whatsoever. And that's exactly what I did. I listened in silence and once she'd finished, I continued talking on the topic we'd been covering. Just because someone puts his or her emotional fists up doesn't mean I have to, does it?
Tip B. Make it sound funny.
If you find you are still going over what was said, don't take it to bed with you. Sleep is too precious to waste on such comments. One way that may help you ditch the negativity is to stand in front of the bathroom mirror and start pulling really silly faces, lips sneering, eyebrows moving up and down, nose twitching, anything to make you look silly. And then while you are doing this start saying what the person has said, out-loud, in a pompous, high-pitched silly voice until it sounds so stupid, that you can't stop laughing. In the end you may have such a good time clowning around that you can't take it seriously any more. Go to bed still laughing. Now that's intelligent!
Tip C. Work out what your buttons are.
Know what triggers your feelings of weakness or irritation. In other words know what your emotional buttons are. Identify the types of comments that people make that upset you. Once you know that, then you can work out how to stop the buttons from being pressed. It's a bit like cutting off the electricity supply to your doorbell. Once that's gone people can press the bell as much as they want but nothing rings. Great! Then you're managing your own emotions and other people aren't. And that can feel very satisfying.
Tip D. Work out a positive way to respond.
Knowing in advance that you react badly to certain comments means you can work out a way of responding that doesn't allow you to be hurt of irritated. Once you know you get upset by a comment, such as "you're only a woman" or "you're too sensitive" or "you can't be trusted" you can then work out a set line to respond with which takes the power away and stops you getting hurt. No need to argue, just keep it light. We go through lots of way to do this in the "How to keep your cool - even with angry people" workshop on Wednesday 22nd June 2005, 9.00 am - 4.00 pm. If you want help with this, come along! There are also examples of this on the CD "How not to take things personally."
Here is one example for you. When I was told I was a high pressured, high achieving, perfectionist, I could have said, "Yes, I'm good at working under pressure and that's why I can do community work as well as working full-time." Or, I could have simply laughed it off and said, "Better to get everything right than to make a fatal error!" Or even better, "Yes, I have lots of energy and enthusiasm and that's why this event has been so successful for the last 5 years." However, please do make sure your response doesn't come with any suggestion of "up-yours" in the inflections you use and that you are genuinely light-hearted.
4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.
How not to take things personally: Dealing positively with negativity."
If you find that you do get upset by put-downs, or negativity can wear you down, then this 2 CD set is here to help you conquer put-downs and take control when there is negativity around. Let snide comments, angry outbursts and gossip wash over you like water off a duck's back. Learn how to keep calm, not take things to heart and to know what to say when people are negative or nasty. Don't let people get to you. Get the 2 CD set now! AU$45.00, with no extra for postage, world-wide!
BONUS OFFER - If you purchase the 2 CD set, "How not to take things personally: Dealing positively with negativity" you'll be sent a second one completely free. Please give this gift to a friend or colleague who will benefit. Hurry and order now, as this offer closes on Wednesday, 15th June 2005.
Other free newsletters:
There are now 160 newsletters bursting with practical tips on the rachelgreen.com website for you to read or print off whenever you wish. Click here to read them.
Tips
Benefit from other useful tips on the rachelgreen.com website. Topics range from how to talk to teenagers or elderly parents to personality types, body language and developing your emotional intelligence. New topics are being added regularly. Click here to read them.
5. Check your Fortnightly Feelings: Bored.
How many feeling words do you have in your vocabulary? You need the language of emotions to understand and think about emotions and to communicate clearly. Each fortnight I will include a feeling word for you to try out over the next fortnight. If you have any stories of your feelings – please send them to me. I'm collecting examples to go in a dictionary of feeling words I'm writing. If yours is included you will get a free copy of the dictionary.
Today's word is bored.
One of our readers' stories: "I’m a single bloke and a teacher who lives in a one-bedroom dog box in the north of Australia. Each day is the same. I teach at school, I sort out their computers, and no matter whether I have a good or a bad day I always go home to the same one bedroom dog box. There are the same pictures on the wall. There are the same number of runners on my fishing rod, they’ll never change. The TV stations are all the same. The same programmes are on TV. There is no-one to talk to. I am on my own each day. I go home to the same thing each day. Even the colour of the unit is 1970’s, a dreary mission brown and beige. The unit belongs to the school and I’m not allowed to change it. It all seems very monotonous and mundane. I am lonely. But more than anything I am bored."
The strength of the emotion: A flat emotion with little energy in it. However it can motivate people to take action. Most people do not like being bored. Alternatively it can be the first in a sequence of emotions leading to misery.
Associated emotions: Flat, restless, listless, indifferent, don’t care, stuck in a rut, stalled, dull, lack-lustre, tired of the world, down, jaded, apathetic, weary, spent.
((blue)6. Laugh your socks off.
Thanks to Rachel's Reflections reader, Sandra Goodwin (again!) for this joke.
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
May you side-step negativity and avoid hurt.
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.
How I can help you, now.
If you would like to have a conference, event or function with an energetic and entertaining speech, I can do this for you. E-mail or call +61 8 9390 1188, or fax +61 8 9390 1199.
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- "Happy not hassled: Manage your emotions, meditate and find contentment": 2 CD set, only $45.
- "How not to take things personally: Dealing positively with negativity": 2 CD set only $45.
- "Midlife and Happiness": A book to inspire anyone over 40. Only $34.95.
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Make sure you read the next Rachel's Reflections:
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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have in your communication, inter-personal or people skills. Thank you.
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