CONFIDENCE 4 U

Why it's hard for some to express their emotions, by Rachel Green.

06-Jul-2005, Number 162

Welcome to this 162nd edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication providing you with practical, dynamic help to develop your emotional intelligence and communication skills.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
Visit our website at http://www.rachelgreen.com
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In this edition:

1. Why it's hard for some to express their emotions.
   
2. Latest news: Emotional Intelligence now used in job selection.
3. Top tips on how to live with others' emotional skills.
4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately: Obtain a FREE copy of "Midlife and Happiness."
5. Fortnightly Feelings: "I was jaded".
6. Laugh your socks off.
   

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1. Why some will tell you how they feel and others won't.

I have had three or four women recently complain to me that their husbands don't tell them how they feel. That their husbands are not very good at expressing themselves. That they think their husbands should let them know how they feel. And that they feel slighted when they don't. I took a bit of a gulp when I heard this as it's so easy to demand something of others, to criticise others and to look for faults. It is harder to understand other people, to allow them to be themselves and to accept that your way is not necessarily THE right way or only way. And why do I say all this? Because these women are in danger of making their marriages unhappy when neither they nor their husbands may be at fault. The truth is that some find feelings much easier to deal with than others. Read on to the tips section to find out why and what to do about it.

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2. Latest news: Emotional Intelligence now used in job selection.

Emotional Intelligence measures are now being incorporated into job selection methods. When I went to an EI course in Sydney not so long ago I was surprised to find that a significant number of attendees were not EI coaches such as myself, but recruitment agents. Yes, they were being accredited in Emotional Intelligence assessments so that they could measure the EI skills of applicants for a variety of jobs. How emotionally intelligent are you and your staff? There are increasing pressures to develop the EI skills of the workforce - make sure yours are boosted now. I can come in and run our popular Mastering Emotional Intelligence course in your workplace or you can attend our public course on Tuesday, 9th August 2005. Click here to book in.

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3. Top tips on how to live with others' emotional skills.

Tip A. Accept gender differences.

If you watch boys and girls growing up, what do you notice about their expressions of feeling? In many cases the girls are allowed to cry and the boys are told not to be "a cry baby", or that "big boys don't cry". The boys become conditioned not to express their feelings. They are taught and learn this lesson very well. They get shot down by their mates, quite often, if they express their feelings. They risk being put down and called a "fairy" or a "girl", or worse. I was watching a football show recently in Australia. One of the players in his early twenties had got injured during a match and ended up having to sit out a key game. As he was sitting in the stand, watching his team lose, the team of which he had just been appointed Captain, he became distressed and cried. He was ridiculed by other men on National TV for doing so. Women would have been treated quite differently. So, if you're asking your bloke to express feelings as you do, you could be asking for the equivalent of a gender switch.

Tip B. Look at what your partner can do well.

It's so easy to want your partner to be the same as you. But why? Why should they be the same as you. A happier relationship is more likely to flourish if you concentrate on what your partner can do well. For example, maybe your man can fix the car when it breaks down, or build you lovely furniture or get up on the roof to clean the gutters, or stay calm and strong in a crisis, or be a superb chef. Give your partner credit for what he can do, rather than always complaining about what he can't. After all, if you don't feel safe going on the roof to clean out the gutters how would you feel if he wanted you to do it as well as he does. It would be best if he appreciated you for what you did well, wouldn't it? Give him the same favour.

Tip C. People need to feel safe to express their feelings.

What kind of environment do you foster at home or work to allow and encourage people to express feelings? Your responses to their expressions can either support or destroy their willingness to say how they feel. For example, if people tell you how they feel do you argue against them, try to rescue them, try to talk them out of feeling that way, get upset at what you hear, or accept without judgement? It's only really the last response that helps people feel safe and therefore able to express their feelings. Check that your people don't feel judged or pressured to say how they feel. It's not a very encouraging environment. Check that they don't feel imposed upon by a high expectation they can't seem to reach. Make sure the environment is one which is supportive of the feelings that arise whatever they are and that the person feels validated.

Tip D. Express affection and positive emotions.

I wonder whether the complaints about partners not expressing feelings are really a concern about a lack of verbalised affection. Being able to say "I love you" or "I'm proud of how hard you're studying" or "I admire you for standing up for yourself" are all important feelings to express. Whether you are a manager of staff, a parent, or a partner, being able to express these emotions can help build positive and strong relationships. Have you told your partner you love him or her today? If you want to become more skilled in expressing your emotions, come along to the workshop "EI 1: Mastering your emotional intelligence" on Tuesday, 9th August 2005. Click here to book in now.

Tip E. Different personalities deal with emotions differently

The Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) shows that certain types find it easier to feel comfortable with emotions and other types find it harder, not through their own fault, but simply because of their type. For example, the weakest part (inferior function) of the personality of an INTP (Introverted, iNtuitive, Thinking, Perceiving type) is the ability to feel comfortable with or manage others' expressions of emotions or feelings, (extraverted feeling). In contrast other types have this preference as their dominant charateristic and therefore find it easier. Should we have different expectations for each type with regards to feelings? The INTP has strengths that other types don't have - let's build those.

4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.

Other free newsletters:

There are now over 160 newsletters bursting with practical tips on the rachelgreen.com website for you to read or print off whenever you wish. Click here to read them.

Tips

Benefit from other useful tips on the rachelgreen.com website. Topics range from how to talk to teenagers or elderly parents to personality types, body language and developing your emotional intelligence. Click here to read them.

5. Check your Fortnightly Feelings: "I felt jaded."

How many feeling words do you have in your vocabulary? You need the language of emotions to understand and think about emotions and to communicate clearly.

Today's word is Jaded.

One of our readers has sent us in an example:
"I am a computer programmer. It's been a hard week at work. I am tired. Tired of the hassles of having to cope with almost overwhelming difficulties that have come about from having impossible time-lines applied. This has been going on for months. I had to write a new computer system and rush it into use before it was ready. Now on a daily basis I am having to correct problems and bugs which arose from having to build the system in too much of a hurry. And everybody wants everything fixed now. There is nothing I can't do, I just can't do it all at once. I am having to say constantly "I'm sorry John, I can't do that now I have to do this for Joy." "Sorry Ali, I can't do that now I have to fix this for Frank." I need a boost, I need a holiday, I need a break. I am jaded."

The strength of the emotion: This is a medium emotion centred around fatigue.

Associated emotions: Hassled, fed-up, weary, over-worked, worn-down, stressed, tired, worn-out, fatigued.

6. Laugh your socks off.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
In a catalogue!

If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to

May you become even more skilled in expressing your own emotions and tolerant of those who find it difficult.
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.

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Make sure you read the next Rachel's Reflections:

	How to be an ideal dinner guest.
	Happy to be getting older.
	How to be the perfect dinner host.

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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have in your communication, inter-personal or people skills. Thank you.