Welcome to this 169th edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication providing you with practical, dynamic help to develop your emotional intelligence and communication skills.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
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In this edition:
- Manipulative mothers-in-law.
- Top tips on how to relate to manipulative mothers-in-law.
- How you can learn more at home or work, immediately: Bonus offer: Buy, "How not to take things personally" and you'll get a second one completely free.
- Fortnightly Feelings: "I felt disengaged".
- Laugh your socks off.
1. Manipulative mothers-in-law.
Some mothers-in-law are wonderfully caring, kind and generous. And some aren't. They can try to manipulate, try to undermine, and be difficult to like or live with. I hear so many stories from both men and women about their struggles with their mothers-in-law and how upset they can be by them. As an example, one of my friends went on holiday with his in-laws recently. Prior to going they had agreed to get the food they each wanted when they were at the beach hut. On arrival they discovered that the mother-in-law had brought food for all of them, contrary to the agreement that had been made. Sadly the food she had brought was not the type of food people wanted to eat. So my friend kindly said he'd like to go down the deer farm to get some venison. She didn't like him saying what food he'd like and she got upset and threw some meat at him. Adults are not always mature, are they? So how do you relate to a hard-to-handle mother-in-law? Read on to the tips section to find out. (By the way, this is not to say that sons and daughters-in-law and fathers-in-law can't also be hard to deal with, they can too!)
2. Top tips on how to relate to manipulative mothers-in-law.
Tip A. Decide firmly that you won't be affected by her.
The first step in managing your relationship with your mother-in-law is to decide very clearly that you are not going to let her get to you. That you are not going to be upset by her. That you are not going to let her control you or hurt you. You cannot change your mother-in-law or control what she says, does or doesn't do. What you can do is control your own reactions to her. In order to do this you need to make a very clear commitment to having this as your goal. Managing your own emotions is part of being emotionally intelligent. To find out more about how to do this come along to our featured course of the fortnight: "Mastering Emotional Intelligence" on 1/11/2005: To book in on-line - click here.
Tip B. Prepare your responses in advance.
If you know you are going to be meeting or talking to your mother-in-law in advance, then prepare yourself. It's a bit like being in the army. If you know you are going into a difficult or dangerous situation you'd put your bullet proof vest on in advance. You'd not wait until after you were shot to do it! If you already know the kinds of things your mother-in-law does or says that bother you, then you can prepare your responses in advance. There is no need to be thrown off guard or to get upset if you know what's coming. Be ready.
Tip C. Analyse why she is the way she is.
Become a back-seat observer. Stop getting sucked in by her. Remain detached. And analyse. Try to work out why she needs to say or do what she does. Put the emphasis on to her and take it off you. Remember that whatever she is saying or doing, she is telling you volumes about herself and it's not really about you. For example, one mother-in-law I know made comments recently to her daughter-in-law about how hard it was to have sons, because sons always followed their wives and went to the wives' family. The daughter-in-law perceived this as a put-down of her as if she was deliberately stopping her husband from going to his mother's. However, when she went into detachment mode and asked herself,"What is Mum telling me about her?" she realised she was saying she missed her son. Oh! When she put the focus back on to her mother-in-law and away from a complaint about herself – it stopped bothering her. Now that's emotionally intelligent! Similarly, when the meat was thrown at my friend, he could have said, "Why is she so upset?" and realised it was because her self-worth was wrapped up in her wish to feed everyone. By his stating an alternative food she thought she wasn't good enough. It may have helped him not to react. And it may have helped him to state his desire for venison in another way so she still felt okay about herself. (It's not excusing her behaviour though.)
Tip D. Ask her for help.
If your mother-in-law is feeling left out or unwanted and you think she is interfering, see if asking her for help makes any difference. For example, I hear comments about mothers-in-law saying to their daughters-in-law, "Are you feeding John well enough, he looks thinner?" Instead of getting your heckles up, a more emotionally intelligent response may be to smile and thank her for caring about him. And then you could say you are worried about him too because he smokes so much, please could she help, e.g. "Do you think you could help him stop Mum, it would be so good if you could, then maybe he won't be so thin." To learn more about emotionally intelligent responses come along to our featured course of the fortnight: "Mastering Emotional Intelligence" on 1/11/2005: to book in e-mail us at
Tip E. Praise her.
Oh, I know the last thing you want to do is to praise her. But why not? It could improve your relationship. She may be feeling left out or unappreciated or be genuinely concerned. She may even be making a good point. Lavish her with praise. She may become less critical. And it will stop you descending to her level. Praise is fine! Imagine a world with more praise in it, honestly, we'd all get on a lot better.
3. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.
How not to take things personally: Dealing positively with negativity."
Let snide comments, angry outbursts and negative comments wash over you like water off a duck's back. Learn how to keep calm, not take things to heart and to know what to say when people are negative or nasty including your mother-in-law. Don't let people get to you. Get the 2 CD set now! AU$45.00, with no extra for postage, world-wide!
BONUS OFFER - If you purchase "How not to take things personally" you'll get a second one completely free to give to a friend. Hurry and order now, as this offer closes on Wednesday 19th October 2005.
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Tips
Benefit from other useful tips on the rachelgreen.com website. Topics range from how to talk to teenagers or elderly parents to personality types, body language, midlife and developing your emotional intelligence. Click here to read them.
If you'd like more tips on mothers-in-law there are a new set of Ten Tips on the website. "10 tips on relating to manipulative mothers in law", by Rachel Green.
4. Check your Fortnightly Feelings: "I felt disengaged."
How many feeling words do you have in your vocabulary? You need the language of emotions to understand and think about emotions and to communicate clearly. Send us your stories of how you've been feeling and what the situation was that led you to feel that way. If your story gets published here you'll get a free copy of the E-book feeling dictionary once it gets published.
Today's word is disengaged.
"I am an HR manager and frequently have to deal with staff disputes. One particular dispute centred around a member of staff who was much older than me. It had blown-up out of all proportion and had ended up becoming a political football. I had followed all the correct procedures, instigating a performance warning. Many other members of staff were relieved that finally this particular member of staff was being performance managed, but she was furious. She stirred up every possible form of attack against me to the point that she successfully got under the skin of my senior manager and frightened her out of taking the action further. I was livid to be told that I must drop my management of her, and that I didn’t have my manager’s support. I was on an emotional roller-coaster and getting worn out. In the end I was so exhausted by all the mudslinging that I had to protect myself. I decided that the safest thing to do was to step outside what was happening and to look on as a passive observer. I wanted to restrain my emotions and to hold back from being hurt. Then, one day, as I was telling someone what was happening she commented that I appeared indifferent and flat. As I explained to her how I felt, I realised my primary emotions had shifted and having resigned myself to the situation I actually did feel disengaged."
The strength of the emotion: It’s an unusual emotion in that it's strong yet flat all at the same time.
Associated emotions: Safe, invulnerable, constrained, on-hold, detached, protective, in-control, disconnected, uninvolved, distanced.
6. Laugh your socks off.
Thanks to Rachel's Reflections reader, Wilina Nunan, in Queensland, for this joke.
INDIAN MATING SEASON....
Two Indians and an Englishman were walking through the woods. All of
a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened
closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then
tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Englishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?"
The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Englishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read ...
NAKED ENGLISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
May you get on well with all your family and friends and live together happily - even if you're different.
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.
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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have in your communication, inter-personal or people skills. Thank you.
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