CONFIDENCE 4 U

Conversation made easy: How to respond to people superbly, by Rachel Green.

26-Oct-2005, Number 170

Welcome to this 170th edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication providing you with practical, dynamic help to develop your emotional intelligence and communication skills.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
Visit our website at http://www.rachelgreen.com
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In this edition:

1. Conversation made easy: How to respond to people superbly.
   
2. Latest news: Meditation guru to tour USA and Canada.
3. Top tips on how to respond to people easily.
4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately: New tips: Talking to blind people.
5. Fortnightly Feelings: "I felt silenced."
6. Laugh your socks off.
   

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1. Conversation made easy: How to respond to people.

I have noticed that some people simply do not know how to, or do not, respond to other people who are trying to make conversation with them. People can make a comment and it is met with silence. No comment is made in return. No questions are asked. I've seen it happen during conversations in lounge rooms, wedding receptions, networking events, staff rooms and more. So, how can we all respond to other people's conversational titbits, keep the conversation going and convey interest? Read on to the tips section to find out.

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2. Latest news: Meditation guru touring USA and Canada.

I've been meditating for years with a happy, wise and inspiring man called "Ajahn Brahm". He's a Buddhist monk but people from all backgrounds - Catholic, Spiritualist, Buddhist, agnostic or whatever attend his meditation teachings. And now he'll be on tour in the USA and Canada throughout November 2005. His tentative schedule is Boston: 7-10 November; New York: 10-13 November; Toronto: 13 November; Chicago: 14-16 November; Vancouver: 16-19 November; Seattle: 19-22 November; Portland: 22-24 November; San Francisco: 24-27 November; Los Angeles: 27-30 November. His talks are highly entertaining as well as inspirational.

His book, published by Wisdom, is called "Who ordered that truckload of dung" and will be promoted during his tour. If you can't get to see him you might like to read it. In Australia it's published under the title of "Opening the door of my heart". My Mum, a devout Anglican, says it is so good she takes it to bed with her each night!

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3. Top tips on how to respond to people superbly.

Tip A. Ask a question.

This is a very simple step. Ask a question related to what has been said. It doesn't have to be complicated, long or academic. For example, one of my friends who is German, said he went back to see his family in Germany recently. He found people would ask him what he did in Australia. Now his answer I know is unusual, but it shouldn't stop the conversation. He would say truthfully, "I live in a monastery". He said no-one asked him a single question about it. It didn't matter if they knew anything or not, all they needed to have said was "What's it like?" or "What led you to living there?" or "What kinds of things do you do there?" When you ask relevant questions you demonstrate that you have not only heard what was said but are interested in the person. That's good conversation. And it's easy.

Tip B. Don't presume the negative or get defensive.

When we were in England recently, people would ask us about living in Australia. So far so good. Once we said how much we loved it and how happy we were, people got defensive. The commonest response we got was along the lines of "Don't you like Britain then?", "Don't you think Britain is good enough then?" or "Britain's a really good place you know". It killed conversation. Worse still, few people really got to know us, as we only said a couple of lines and that was their next response. Yet it was nothing to do with not liking Britain but rather our joy at seeing kangaroos in our garden in the morning, at having green parrots in our bird baths and in experiencing a completely different culture. There's no need to assume that people's answers are any reflection on you. They are a reflection on the person saying them. So there's no need to be defensive. Be open to other people's experiences even if they are different from yours and explore their world with them. If you want to learn how to read people better and respond better then come along to our featured course of the fortnight: "Reading people right, listening effectively and understanding what's going on." Click here to book in.

Tip C. Comment on the same topic and go deeper.

When someone has done an initial introduction to a topic, then help them stay on the same topic by commenting on it and then throwing it back to the first person. Do this rather than just making a comment such as "Sounds great" or "Did you really?" or "Me too". For example, if I say to you "We arrived in London on the morning of the bombings in the tube trains and it was mayhem", you might join in by saying "Gosh, I saw the reports on the BBC when I was at work and it came as such as shock. What were your reactions to it?" Or if I say "The Verticordia flowers are looking lovely in my garden". You might say "Yes, it's good to have Spring here, it's my favourite time of the year and I noticed the flowers were out in Kings Park too and I am particularly fond of everlastings. What else is out in your garden?" Or, "How do you manage to grow Verticordia?" Or "What is it about Verticordia, that you really like?"

Tip D. Don't always try to out-do the other person.

Be willing to explore another person's opinion, another person's experience or another person's circumstances. Don't be too quick to bring the conversation back to yourself in a way that out-does the other person. For example, a man I've been talking to recently spends very little time on what I've said, and within about a sentence always seems to bring it back to himself and boost himself. For instance, if I have said "Joanne and I had a great time yesterday at the race track" he'd come back with "Oh yes, Joanne and I have had a great time at the race track too, in fact when I took her to the Grand Prix she said it was the best time she'd had in her life". Yawn. This is so boring. It's okay occasionally but when it's done repetitively it can kill conversation. In fact I'd rather avoid this man's conversation now, it takes such a familiar pattern. What could he have done instead? Ask a question, e.g. "What kinds of things did you get up to?" or "How did it compare to the other things you two have been doing together?" Interesting! Or he could even have described his experience at the Grand Prix (minus the bragging) and asked then, "How did this compare to what you did?"

Tip E. Expand your answers.

When someone does ask you a question, respond with more than 2 or 3 words. If you only give 2 or 3 words back it makes it much harder for the conversation to flow. Instead elaborate on your answers. For example, if someone says to you "Been busy at work recently?" don't just say "Sure have", or "Yes, its been frantic." This makes a conversation stilted and boring. Instead respond by saying what you have been doing, or why it was frantic, or how you cope when it's frantic. Expand your answers to give them more information to pick up on in their responses.

4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.

Other free newsletters:

There are now over 170 newsletters bursting with practical tips on the rachelgreen.com website for you to read or print off whenever you wish. Click here to read them.

Tips

Benefit from other useful tips on the rachelgreen.com website. Topics range from how to talk to teenagers or elderly parents to personality types, body language, midlife and developing your emotional intelligence. Click here to read them.
NEW! Blind people and how to communicate with them - Twelve tips, by Michael Kelly.

5. Check your Fortnightly Feelings: Silenced.

How many feeling words do you have in your vocabulary? You need the language of emotions to understand and think about emotions and to communicate clearly. Send me stories about how you feel and what leads you to feel this way. If your story gets included here then you will get a free copy of our emotional dictionary when it is finally published! I will keep your personal details private.

Today's feeling is silenced.
"I'm an out-going person, which is probably slightly unusual in my occupation as an accounts clerk. I have worked in accounts for years and am well experienced and in my early fifties. Our whole organisation is facing dramatic changes to our daily work and is experiencing great difficulty accepting and dealing with this. The team I'm in has a very traditional manager. The whole team complains often about not having enough time. Fortnightly meetings are held and are usually very long with very little achieved. I recently questioned the productivity of such meetings, especially when we are eager to pass things by due to the lack of time factor. I also queried why the 'quiet' people aren't given encouragement through the forum to express their feelings. The reaction to my comments has been, I think, amazing. I have been called into three separate meetings to explain myself. One of these was quite casual and friendly; the next one suggesting I had a hormonal problem - and don't worry about the people who don't speak up, they never will, forget about them. The third meeting was a closed door affair which was followed by a written report and deadlines for several tasks that I do as a matter of course. I don't feel at all safe to express my thoughts again. I feel like a caged tiger and am now desperate to escape. I feel silenced."

Strength of the emotion: A very unpleasant emotion that no-one probably likes to feel and that can lead to very negative consequences - as seen by her comment, "I am desperate to escape."

Associated emotions:
Stifled. Targetted. Supressed. Squeezed out. Discriminated against. Picked on. Singled out. Misunderstood. Repressed. Unheard. Hurt. Bullied. Unwanted. Put-upon. Harrassed.

6. Laugh your socks off.

Thanks to Rachel's Reflections reader, Mike Green, for this joke.

"Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying 'Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'.

‘OH NO’ the President exclaims. ‘That's terrible!’

His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in his hands. Finally the president looks up and asks ...

'How many is a Brazillion?'"

If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to

May you build enriching connections with people through your conversations.
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.

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Make sure you read the next Rachel's Reflections:

	Sarcasm - and how to deal with it easily.
	Visiting and caring for elderly parents.
	Don't kiss me on the lips please.
	House guests - how to make their stay enjoyable (just in time for Christmas!)

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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have in your communication, inter-personal or team work skills. Thank you.