CONFIDENCE 4 U

Don't kiss me on the lips this Christmas, please. By Rachel Green.

13-Dec-2005, Number 174

Welcome to this 174th edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication providing you with practical, dynamic help to develop your emotional intelligence and communication skills.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
Visit our website at http://www.rachelgreen.com
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In this edition:

1. Don't kiss me on the lips this Christmas, please!
   
2. Latest news: Win a free E-book.
3. Top tips on how to meet and greet people at Christmas.
4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately. Buy one CD set, get one free.
5. Fortnightly Feelings: "I was dismayed".
6. Feature E-book: Why do women cry and what to do when they do: A manual for men.
7. Laugh your socks off.
   

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1. Don't kiss me on the lips please.

Have you ever had someone approach you and touch or kiss you when you really wish they wouldn't? One of my close friends was greeted by another close female friend the other day and afterwards said, "Yuck, I wish she wouldn't try to kiss me on the lips". I shared her dislike. People, whether friends or relatives, giving me a lip kiss leaves me shuddering and I try to avoid them if at all possible. With this experience in mind and with Christmas coming up, I thought it was a good time to talk about how to meet and greet people, so you don't kiss people on the lips who don't want you to. How should you greet people? For tips on this, please read on to Section 3.

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2. Latest news: Give your input and win a free E-book.

The first E-book is already available, and now the next two are underway. The second one will be on how to organise successful conference and seminar programmes. Your input is welcome. Anyone who contributes will get a free copy, to the value of $25. E-books are the way of the future, they are environmentally friendly, no travel is needed to the bookshop and fewer trees are lost to paper. And the advantage is you can get the one you want immediately - no waiting for 2 weeks while we pack it and post it to you.

Please do send in your questions and stories. If you've ever attended a conference or seminar and been irritated by something that happened, such as tea breaks that were too short or speakers who went on for too long - write and tell me your stories. Or maybe there are questions you have about organising seminars and conferences that you'd like answered. Or you can describe the best conference or seminar you've attended. Whatever it is please send in your questions and stories. To be eligible for the prizes - all responses need to be received by 21st December 2005.

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3. Top tips on how to meet and greet appropriately at Christmas.

Tip A. Don't kiss people on the lips.

In the days before Hep C and bird flu maybe lip kissing between causal acquaintances and relatives was in vogue, but now-a-days, it isn't. Coughs and sneezes spread diseases and so does kissing. Obviously lovers, spouses and partners kiss. But unless it's agreed between you, or there is a very clear ritual in your culture around it, lip kissing is not necessarily welcome. Cheek kissing in contrast is far more acceptable in certain circles, but even this is not always welcome.

Tip B. Hug only those who like hugs.

If you feel close to each other, if you both enjoy physical contact, if you both give off the body language of being comfortable with hugs, then hug! However do not assume hugs are okay. Be respectful. Certain people, such as teenagers may dread you, as their relative, giving them a great big hug this Christmas. High 5s or a salute may be better. Just kidding really - but some children and teenagers are traumatised by greetings from "elderly" relatives (that's anyone over 21). At least ask, "May I hug you?" first, unless they're already initiating it. Some adults also, particularly Introverts or people who've been brought up in a non-physical home, may also find hugs uncomfortable. Please respect their need not to be invaded by a hugger! I say this with respect as a lover of nice hugs.

Tip C. Know how you hug.

Me? I love hugs, nice, warm, "I really like you" hugs. Not those "I'm just going through the routine of greeting you" hugs. Yes, there are many different types of hugs. Some feel really good and some don't. I have one friend who is a superb hugger and when we see each other we just have to hug. And the two of us tell each other each time, how nice the other person is to hug. Some people hug by allowing their bodies to relax and soften - these feel welcoming. Others keep their bodies tight and there's no give when you touch them - these feel less comfortable (and can be given by those who don't really like hugging but feel they have to). Then there are hugs where just the top part of the body is in contact, and the pelvis is held back, and others where the whole body is available. And all this can be done without any sexual messages at all. Notice how you hug. Hugs are like handshakes - how you give a hug sends different messages.

Tip D. Not everyone likes to be touched by strangers.

Some people are very generous with their affection and feel quite comfortable with physical contact. Others don't feel comfortable with physical contact. We had a lady in our MBTI course recently who was an Introvert who said she can't stand people she didn't know touching her. And when she'd been pregnant people had wanted to touch her belly and this was abhorrent to her. So, if you are the touchy type please be selective. Touch those who'd like to be touched by you, and respect the boundaries of those who don't. If in doubt, watch. Do they touch others or do they stand back? Alternatively, ask.

Tip E. Handshakes are usually fine.

If in doubt, handshakes are usually okay. But not the double handshake where you cover both of the other person's hands - this can be suffocating. And not one hand on their hand and the other on the shoulder. Just a nice single handshake. And in an Anglo-Australian culture that means going right to the person's thumb crease, and shaking with a full firm hand for 2-3 shakes.

Tip F. Use culturally sensitive greetings.

Greetings differ among families, cultures and nations. Greet as the person's culture greets. If you're with Sri Lankans, follow their customs for greetings. If you're with a group of people from Thailand and they put their hands together in front of their chests and bow their heads slightly, do likewise. And if you're with the French or Greeks or Brazilians or ... whatever the culture, be willing to learn and do it their way. There could be whole books just written on greetings - it's hard to do them justice in a newsletter. If in doubt - proceed with gracious caution, watch, ask and be conservative. As long as this doesn't make you seem arrogant or stand-offish. Tricky things greetings! Enjoy your Christmas despite them.

4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.

Be a winner at dinner: How to chat and network with confidence and skill.
If you've ever run out of things to say when you meet people at Xmas, or got stuck with a boring person or missed out on meeting new people, then take hope! These 3 CDs and booklet give you the essential keys to overcoming all these problems. You'll learn how to make interesting conversations, talk easily to people, including strangers; and to exit politely. Never be lost for words again. Order now! Only $75.00, with no extra for postage, world-wide.

BONUS OFFER - If you purchase "Be a winner at dinner" you'll get an extra copy FREE to give to a friend. Hurry and order now, as this offer closes on 20th December 2005.

Other free newsletters:

There are now over 170 newsletters bursting with practical tips on the rachelgreen.com website for you to read or print off whenever you wish. Click here to read them.

Tips

Benefit from other useful tips on the rachelgreen.com website. Topics range from how to talk to teenagers or elderly parents to personality types, body language, midlife and developing your emotional intelligence. Click here to read them.

5. Check your Fortnightly Feelings: "I felt dismayed."

How many feeling words do you have in your vocabulary? You need the language of emotions to understand and think about emotions and to communicate clearly. Send us your stories of how you've been feeling and what the situation was that led you to feel that way. If your story gets published here you'll get a free copy of the E-book feeling dictionary once it gets published.

Today's word is dismayed.
"I was sitting at the table today, relaxed and happy. Being the slob that I can be I decided to rest one of my legs on the table, for maximum comfort, as I'm small and my feet don't always reach the ground in a chair. On my way up I bashed my foot hard against the table. It hurt and there was a loud cracking sound. I went and got some ice and rested it on my foot, and about 10 minutes later there was no sign of injury, so I put the ice way. As the day wore on my foot started to ache. By evening time it was very painful. By night time I couldn't walk on it at all. I was looking at having to get crutches the next day. I was dismayed."

The strength of the emotion: It's a strong emotion, one of anguish. It is stronger than disappointed, not as strong as horrified.

Associated emotions: Despondent, appalled, upset, dejected, dismal, bleak, alarmed, frightened, un-nerved, distressed, daunted.

As we now have so many people across the world reading Rachel's Reflections, who can't come to our courses, we hope to feature an E-book a fortnight - as these are available to anyone, anywhere.

6. Featured E-book of the fortnight ...

Why do women cry and what to do when they do: A manual for men.

If you have ever felt embarrassed, manipulated or mystified by a woman crying, then worry no more. This book will give you the easy steps to managing crying easily. Ditch the discomfort. Don't be manipulated by crying. Don't be thrown by it. Know what to say, what to do and how to react.

Top tip from the E-book
If you come across a woman crying on her own, she may just want to be left alone. She may, therefore, be very grateful if you simply exit without fuss. But ask, if in doubt, what she would like you to do.

Help me get this information out to the men of the world. The practical details are these: "Why do women cry?" is 71 pages long, divided into two sections: one on "Why do women cry" and the second on "What to do when they do". It is A4 in size with large print for easy on-screen reading. It’s an E-book so you don't have to go anywhere to get it or read it. It gets sent straight to your own computer in a matter of moments - all you have to do is fill in the order form and then read the book. And it will only take about an hour to read. How easy is that! And all this information is available for only $25 Australian. It could be the most important book you ever read!

Order now and receive it immediately..

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7. Laugh your socks off.

Thanks to Rachel's Reflections reader, Tim Gentle, from the Department of the Environment, for this joke.

The Young King Arthur Story - a story for the blokes

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch - only she would know the answer.

The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighbouring monarch granted Arthur total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but DON'T READ UNTIL YOU'VE MADE YOUR OWN CHOICE!

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story? The moral is: If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly.

If you have some clean jokes (about men?!) we can use, please send your contributions to

The year has flown and has been a time of incredible change and disaster. We've had tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes, wars, bombs and hatred. Now is the time to rest and rejuvenate. To relax and enjoy the people you meet. And a time to spread kindness and compassion to all people, as that is the true meaning of Christmas, whether you are a Christian or not. Be kind to yourselves and be kind to others.

Gen and I are going to be putting our feet up over Christmas and the New Year and soaking up the sunshine. We look forward to talking to you again in January. The next newsletter will be out on 11th January. Until then, Happy Christmas and Happy New Year.
With kindness,
Rachel.

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3. "Midlife and Happiness": A book to inspire anyone over 40. Only $34.95.
4. "How to be a winner at dinner: Chat and network with confidence": 3 CD set and booklet, only $75.
5. "Becoming a skilled communicator": 3 CD set, only $60.
   

Order all 4 CDs and the printed book in one go and you will receive a bonus saving of 10%. To order e-mail us now: or go to the website click here.
Also available:

6. An E-book: "Why do women cry and what to do when they do: A manual for men." 71 pages. Only $25.00. Orders only through the website click here.

Make sure you read the next Rachel's Reflections:

	House guests - how to make their stay enjoyable.
	How to get rich quick.
	Coping positively with change.

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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have in your communication, inter-personal or people skills. Thank you.