CONFIDENCE 4 U

Why being defensive doesn’t help.

15-Jun-2006, Number 185

Welcome to this 185th edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication to help you develop clear communication, and high levels of emotional intelligence, calm and confidence.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
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In this edition:

1. Why being defensive doesn’t help.
   
2. Latest news: The first newsletter link and a new magazine.
3. Top tips on how to avoid being defensive.
4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately: CD set for free.
5. Laugh your socks off.
   

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1. Why being defensive doesn’t help.

When people say something to you, about yourself, or your work, or the organisation you work for, how do you react? Do you listen quietly to what was said and respond calmly having taken in the valuable parts and dumped the rest, or do you get defensive? Sometimes when we get defensive we make things harder for ourselves. First, we are giving the other person ammunition to further attack us with. Second, we can escalate the issue and turn it into a conflict. Third, we can look as though we are not confident in ourselves. And worse still, we can end up souring what could have been a perfectly easy interaction. In contrast, not getting defensive can help you to develop relationships at work and at home; to provide superb customer service, work well in a team, and receive feedback easily. So what can you do to ditch defensiveness? Read on to the tips section to find out.

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2. Latest news: Your first newsletter link.

This is the first time we have sent out the newsletter as a link. Hopefully all you had to do was to click on the link and the newsletter was there. However, if you had any problems, or have any feedback, concerns or questions about this, please let us know.

A new and exciting magazine is being launched, 1st July 2006, in Britain and on-line, called “Know Yourself Magazine”. It's website will be http://www.knowyourself.org/ The magazine is said to be the central forum for simplified and clarified understanding of our core nature as human beings.
You might like to check it out. I have just seen the proof of the first edition and it looks fabulous.

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3. Top tips on how to avoid being defensive.

Tip A. Pause.

Pausing is so simple. Yet many people rush into their responses before they barely have time to think. If you can insert a pause between what another person has said and your response you have the opportunity to select how you respond, rather than becoming defensive. Count to three, (or ten if you count quickly); take a deep breath, or throw a question back to give you more thinking time.

Tip B: Do not think everything is about you.

Some people get defensive because they perceive everything as personal attack, or as something personal against themselves. When you think like this you are leaving yourself open to hurt. In fact, you are hurting yourself. Do not assume everything is about you. It isn’t. For example, I have recently been working with a man who, every time I asked a question, perceived it as a personal challenge to his credibility. In contrast, the questions were being asked because I was ignorant and I required particular information to do my job well. He happened to be the one with the information. Instead of the simple answer to my question I would get a lengthy explanation regarding his qualifications and experience, as though my questions were to challenge his authority. He thought it was about him. It wasn’t. It made it difficult to work with him easily. I kept reminding myself that he was probably insecure. Had he simply said, “The answer is ...” then we would have worked together much more easily. And I did ask the questions nicely! Honestly! I was being diplomatic but still he became defensive.

Tip C. Consider the other person.

If someone calls your organisation and says the customer service is rotten, it is not about you personally. It is about how the other person perceives the customer service in your organisation. You just happened to be the person who picked up the phone. Even if you are insulted and the caller makes it sound personal, it still isn’t about you; it is about the other person and how angry, frustrated or helpless they feel. If you can consider how the other person is feeling you may stop yourself becoming defensive and be able to remain calm. Ask yourself, “How is she or he feeling?” Then acknowledge this, e.g. “It sounds as though you feel undermined.” If you concentrate on how the other person is feeling it is much harder to become defensive. Instead you will be more able to help the other person. In case you are thinking “but I am not involved in customer service”, then this also applies to your children, your partner, your father-in-law, your mother and the neighbours. Can they say things to you without your becoming defensive? The teenager may say, “Mum I hate you” but it is about the teenager not about you.

Tip D. Be open to feedback.

We all have blind spots – things that we don’t see or understand about our behaviours and ourselves. When other people tell us about these things, we could listen, instead of becoming defensive. They may be telling us something useful. For example, a woman recently asked me for feedback on a presentation she was preparing. What I noticed was that irrespective of the feedback I gave, it was never adopted, and instead she'd justify why she had done something in a certain way. In other words she became defensive, even though I could quite clearly help her. It wasn't as though it was a sensitive area. I was giving feedback on powerpoints for a presentation and saying things, such as, "lime green print on a blue background may not stand out enough when projected, I suggest you use colours of higher contrast to make it easier for the audience to see, such as white on dark blue." It's the kind of input I regularly give people in my line of work! In the end, I got to the point where it seemed pointless for me to invest my time in her request for feedback. She missed out. And so did the people she was presenting to.

Whether you ask for it or not, try to listen to feedback you are given, even if you don't like what is being said – it might be really useful. At a conference where I was the Master of Ceremony at the weekend, the stage managers, and many others, kept on giving me feedback whenever I left the stage. It ranged from what I was doing wrong with my feet, the incorrect position of my microphone and how I was holding my head, through to the colour of my clothes, the materials I had on my table, and how I was moving. It was constant and I didn’t necessarily like it but I paused, listened and thanked people; and then tried to take appropriate action. Why ignore it? Why get defensive? We can all learn from others.

One way to help you listen is to practise calming self-talk as you hear the feedback. You can always say to yourself, “I don’t like this but it may be useful,” or “Maybe I can learn something that will help me”, or “How kind of her to pluck up the courage to tell me,” and so on. If you want to know more about how not to get defensive when people are being negative, complaining or giving you feedback, then come along to our featured course of the month, “How to keep your cool”, on Wednesday 28th June 2006, click here to book in now.

4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.

How not to take things personally: Dealing positively with negativity.

I used to get very defensive when people gave me negative feedback or tried to put me down or made snide comments in my presence. Then I began to realise this did not help me and actually left me at the mercy of other people. So gradually, over time, I learnt how not to get defensive, how to maintain my own sense of calm when put-downs were flying and how to be able to maintain a sense of self which was confident yet kind. On these CDs you hear the strategies that I have personally used to deal with negativity. Each of them I have used and found works for me. Avoid becoming defensive, let put-downs wash over you like water off a ducks' back, and be able to deal with people's negativity without getting irritated or angry.
Order now! AU$45.00, with no extra for postage, world-wide.

Special Bonus: If you are a subscriber to Rachel's Reflections and you order and pay for these CDs no later than 21st June 2006, then you will receive a FREE copy to give to a friend. It's worth $45. To be eligible for the free copy you must order through our On-line Book and CD store, and when you fill in the order form add under the comments section, A free RR copy, thanks. Don't miss out - hurry as this offer closes 21st June 2006.

5. Laugh your socks off.

Thanks to regular joke provider, one of our Rachel's Reflections readers in India, Dr. Angelee Deodhar, for this joke.

What is confidence?
20 executives board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: it is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies: "If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off."

Now that’s confidence!

If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to

May you have the courage to hear feedback and to manage negative people without becoming defensive.

Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.

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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have in your communication, inter-personal or people skills. Thank you.