Welcome to this 186th edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication on communication, and emotional intelligence, for clarity with confidence.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
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In this edition:
- Default assumptions can ruin communication.
- Latest news: No more public workshops after October 2006.
- Top tips on how to avoid saying the wrong thing.
- Laugh your socks off.
1. Default assumptions.
I have been sighing recently! Why? Because of the comments and questions I get which show that people automatically make assumptions about others, including me, that are incorrect. There are many examples but one is simply that people assume because I am a woman I must be working from home or that my business is just a side kick. Now these are not huge in their significance but they do illustrate an important impediment in our communication with people.
For instance, I was at the post office acquiring a new post office box for the company. As I gave the man behind the counter my details he asked for my husband's name and contact details. "Why do you want those?" I asked. "I presume his mail will be coming here too?", he said! Now why would my husband want his personal mail to go to my workplace? Would the post office employee have asked a man who was acquiring a post office box for his Pty Ltd company for his wife's name and details?
Then there was the woman who turned to me and said, "Having your business in your own name is a bit egocentric, isn't it?" What!? Would she turn round to Ernst and Young the large accounting firm, or to Minter Ellison the law firm, and say that?
Also, one of my senior corporate clients at the end of a coaching session with me, said, "Are you going home now?" It was only about 2.30pm! Surprised, I said, "No, why would I be going home, I'm going back to the office." "Well that's at home, isn't it?" No! Would he have said to a man with whom he was finishing a corporate meeting, "Are you going home now?" There is nothing wrong with working from home but there is something wrong with the assumption that a woman in business wouldn't have a suite of offices!
I am not accusing these people of doing this deliberately. No, not at all. What they are doing, without even knowing it, are operating from what I call, "default assumptions". These are limited perceptions people have, e.g. in this case, about women, where they automatically assume something about a person which may be ignorant, naïve or wrong. Sadly, they don't even realise that they have made an assumption.
Unfortunately, we all have default assumptions. Me too! We all speak from ignorance without realising it. And we can cause offence without meaning to and have conflicts in communication. So what are your default assumptions? How would you know? How do you reduce them and their impact? Read on to the tips section to find out.
2. Latest news: No more public workshops after October 2006.
My apologies for having to send out the newsletter link twice last time. Experience is the learning you get one minute after you needed it! We certainly had many fewer spam rejections. However we are not sure that people even received the newsletter. One of the people I send it to as a test certainly didn't – we can only assume (!) that his spam filters rejected it without returning it to us. So we are reverting to the old way of sending it out this fortnight. If you are reading this and you did not get the last edition, number 185 on 15th June, on "How not to get defensive", please let us know.
We will be sending it out as a plain text link next time, to see if we can overcome the few remaining rejections. Then we will decide what we will do as a more permanent measure.
BIG NEWS! The next round of public courses we are offering will be are our last. We are still providing speeches, in-house seminars, workshops, CDs and books, the newsletter, free tips, and coaching. It is just the courses we provide for the public that are stopping. So, if you want to book into a public workshop please book in between now and October. The last one will be on 31st October. We have listed all courses in the newsletter and all bookings are already on the website. We expect bookings to be busy so please make sure you book early, as seats are limited, click here to book in, now.
3. Top tips on how to avoid saying the wrong thing.
Tip A. Remind yourself of default assumptions.
You may not even think about your default assumptions normally. So the first step is to start reminding yourself of them. Simply put a reminder on your computer, on your desk, on your fridge ... just the words "Default assumptions" maybe sufficient to make you more aware of the need to monitor for them.
Tip B: Watch out for default assumptions.
When you are talking watch out for default assumptions and preferably before you open your mouth! Ask yourself, "What assumptions am I making?" "As this is a man what assumptions am I making?" "As this is a young person, or an old person, or a black person, or a white person, what assumptions am I making?" And ask yourself this for every category of person, whether they be gay, blind, tall, a Christian, a Mormon, a Muslim, loud, quiet, anxious, mentally ill ... Ask yourself, "What assumptions am I making?" Monitor. Monitor. Monitor.
Tip C. Don't put the answer in the question.
If you avoid putting the answer to a question into the question you may keep out of danger. For example, I phoned a furniture store to say I wanted to order two chairs for my business. (I had previously ordered chairs for home from them.) After I had placed the order, the salesman said, "I already have your home credit card details should I just put it on there." "No", I said, "These are for my business, you need the business credit card details." Then he said, "I'll send your receipt out to your home address." "No, it needs to be sent to my work address." I said. And on it went. All he needed to do was to ask, "What credit card are you wanting to use?" or "What address do you want the receipt sent to?" or "Where would you like the chairs delivered to?" Don't put the answer in the question.
Tip D. Make no judgements – say nothing.
Instead of making judgemental statements, say nothing! It can be safer. If you need to say something, make it into an open-ended question rather than a judgement, e.g. "What were your reasons for doing this?" "What kinds of things does your business involve?" "In what ways does your religion influence your life?"
Tip E. Cut out jokes that may offend.
Unless you are absolutely one hundred percent sure of your audience, the group you are in or the people at your party, do not crack jokes that pull particular groups of people down. They might be there. How often do heterosexuals make derogatory comments or jokes about gays presuming that no-one sitting around is one?
4. Laugh your socks off.
Thanks to one of our Rachel's Reflections readers Sylvia Heavens, from Manning W.A., for this joke. (See if you can spot the default assumptions being made here!)
Fried Eggs.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
May you broaden your mind and see the good in all people.
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.
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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have in your communication, inter-personal or people skills. Thank you.
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