Welcome to this 187th edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication on communication and emotional intelligence, for clarity with confidence.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
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In this edition:
- Men do have feelings.
- Latest news: I am revving up for you!
- Top tips on developing your emotional intelligence.
- Learn in your own time: “Midlife and Happiness” – two for the price of one special offer.
- Laugh your socks off.
1. Men do have feelings.
I was running an emotional intelligence course recently when one of the men who had come along said, with a touch of cynical dismissal, “So you’re wanting us to get in touch with our feminine side, are you?” I replied, “No, it’s nothing to do with that, men do have feelings.” He stayed quiet, while a woman a few seats away exclaimed, “You could have fooled me!” There was laughter in the group, however it fell to silence when I said, “If you look around the world at the moment there is a lot of conflict. It is fuelled by hate and anger. Hate and anger are feelings. Men and women both have these feelings, they are fuelling the war in Lebanon. How can you not think that men have feelings? They do have feelings. Women have feelings. We all have feelings. What we don’t necessarily have is the skill to acknowledge their importance to us, to identify them correctly or to respond with intelligence to them.”
Imagine if we were as good at managing our feelings and behaviour as we are in developing technology. Technologically we are a very advanced society. In stark contrast we seem to be no better at finding happiness than we ever were, there are as many wars as before, we still argue with our neighbours, we have road rage, we get irritated by the smallest things that don’t matter, we don’t get on with other people at work, we have high levels of divorce, alcoholism and suicide, and the list of impoverished emotional skills goes on. We are still in the dark ages when it comes to managing our feelings. And that is why we need to be seeking to advance our emotional intelligence, both as individuals and as a culture.
Emotional Intelligence - is it on your agenda for development? I hope so. Certainly one of my priorities is to keep developing my own and to help others develop theirs. How do you develop your emotional intelligence? Read on to the tips section to find out.
Also, this fortnight there is a special offer for our male readers – if, as a man, you book into the next "Mastering Emotional Intelligence" course in September you can bring another man along for free, if you follow the instructions under section 5.
2. Latest news: I am revving up for you!
No! I am not retiring. People have presumed that because I am stopping our public seminars that I am retiring. Exactly the opposite – I am revving up! I do lots of work other than public seminars, such as in-house training, speaking at conferences, making CDs, writing books, 1-1 coaching, and so on, and all this is continuing. I am really keen to write a second book “Tales on the road to happiness” and hope to start that in January. And I am still eager to come into your workplace and run brilliant tailor-made workshops for you; so you can still book me to do this. If you want to know what kind of feedback the in-house seminars get, click here to see the new testimonials from the in-house training at the City of Bunbury. I am also planning to put more of the workshops down on paper, so that I can make E-books available to you, wherever you are, on course material. This means that all of you can benefit from the course material and at half the cost of a course. I am presently finishing off the E-book on all the notes for the media course.
3. Top tips on how to develop your emotional intelligence
Tip A. Acknowledge the importance of emotional intelligence.
It is very easy to dismiss emotional intelligence as just some sentimental, new-aged, fad that women do. It is not. Yet so often men who attend my courses (not through self selection but because the whole work team is doing them) will make comments like, “I suppose we're having a group hug are we?” or “It’s not for me,” or “I don’t need all this warm fuzzy stuff.” It is not about warm-fuzzy stuff. Hate is not warm or fuzzy but it is an emotion. If you still don’t believe that men have emotions then watch the footballers. When they kick a goal what do they do? They parade their success and wear it as a badge of honour. They jump up and down, hug their team mates, grin all over their faces - do these guys feel? You bet they do. They are awash with emotions. You can see it for yourself. So the issue is not whether men or women have emotions but what do you do with them when you do. And that is what emotional intelligence (EI) is about. It is about being intelligent, just like your IQ is about being intelligent, but in a different way. We all need both IQ and EI to be effective in the world.
Tip B: Learn about the value of EI.
Did you know that scientific research has clearly demonstrated that EI positively influences workplace success, whether you are an employee or an employer? For example, something as crucial as absenteeism has been found to occur less in the more emotionally intelligent. That means EI can affect your bottom line and productivity. Imagine how much more smoothly our workplaces would operate if people weren’t away on sick leave, or “sickies”. This is only one of the many examples of the benefits of EI. It has also been found that those with higher levels of EI cope better with organisational stress, that they have greater job satisfaction and they get into fewer interpersonal arguments. They are also less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol or to over-eat. Now more EI may mean the need for fewer diets! Boosting your EI will be of value in your whole life.
Tip C: Know what feelings you do have.
Research that caught my eye recently showed that some people find it very difficult to know how they feel. They know they are feeling something but they are not sure what. Do you know how you are feeling? Can you label your feelings accurately? If you don’t know what the feeling is, it's hard to choose the best action. The research said that some groups of men, in particular, find it hard to know that they feel embarrassed, hurt or vulnerable and they misread their feelings as anger. Thinking they are angry they then act out the anger. This can lead to inappropriate behaviour. Emotions are signals to tell you what is happening. Reading vulnerable as anger is like seeing a red traffic light when there is a green one. Knowing which feeling you have is important.
Stop every now and again in your day to work out how you are feeling, and practise using a wide range of feeling words, not just angry, happy, sad, or frustrated, to describe the feeling. It can take quite a while to get a wide vocabulary of feeling words and to be able to differentiate the bodily signs that go with each one. But that is what emotionally intelligent people can do. If you don’t label your feelings accurately how can you know how to respond?
Tip D. Don’t always give into your feelings.
Having an emotion doesn’t make it intelligent. What you do as a result of it does. For example, do you ever make emotional decisions? Some men (and some women) will tell me that they only make rational decisions. In truth though, both men and women make emotional decisions and without them being good ones. For example, imagine you have had a very long day at work and you are stressed. You arrive home overwhelmed and exhausted. You know you ought to go for a walk but you can’t be bothered. What do you do? Do you turn on the television and veg out or go for a walk? If you don’t go for a walk you are making an emotional decision. Your rational cognitive intelligence has the facts to tell you that it would be sensible to go for a walk. You know going for a walk is good for you but you can’t be bothered. “Can’t be bothered” is an emotion. So you are making an emotional decision, but probably not an emotionally intelligent one. In most cases the most emotionally intelligent decision would be to find some way to motivate yourself to go for a walk. Next time you hear yourself not being bothered try doing the thing that you know is good for you. If you'd like to learn more about how to make emotionally intelligent decisions come along to our last "Mastering emotional intelligence: What it is, why would I want some, and how can I get some more?" workshop on 26th September. Click here to book in.
Tip E. Ditch your own hate.
I mentioned hate in my opening remarks. It is easy to look at the tragic situation in the Middle East and want people to stop hating each other. First, though, we need to look into our own hearts and behaviour and to get rid of our own resentments, dislikes and intolerances. Monitor yourself. When do you feel dislike for another person? Notice such feelings. Can you let them go once you have acknowledged their existence? It is okay to have the feelings, it is what you do with them that matters. Emotional intelligence does not say that one feeling is good or another is bad, nor that one is emotionally intelligent and another isn’t. It says what you do with them matters.
4. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.
Midlife and Happiness
While we are talking about emotions ... how happy are you? Do you want more happiness? Are you weighed down by problems, regrets or past hurts? Are you wondering what to do with the rest of your life? If so, this book, “Midlife and Happiness” is here to inspire you. It is a celebration of being over 40 and can show you just how good it can be to be 40, 50, and 60. There are seven chapters on my life and 13 chapters on the lives of other people, seven men and six women. Be inspired by them. Order now! Only $34.95, with no extra for postage, world-wide! I hope you'll read it.
Bonus: If you are a Rachel's Reflections subscriber and you order and pay for a copy of "Midlife and Happiness" no later than Wednesday 16 August 2006, then you will receive a FREE copy of "Midlife and Happiness" to give to a friend. However you must order through our On-line Book and CD store and add under the comments section on the order form "A free RR copy," to be eligible for the free copy. It's worth $34.95. Don't miss out - hurry as this offer closes 16th August 2006. Order now!
5. Laugh your socks off.
Thanks to one of our Rachel's Reflections readers, Dr. Angelee Deodhar, in India, for this joke.
Subject: Short Quiz.
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
(Scroll down)
Answer:
Get off the children's carousel and, next time, don't drink so much!
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
May you have an emotionally intelligent week!
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.
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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have in your communication, inter-personal or people skills. Thank you.
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