Welcome to this 188th edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication on communication and emotional intelligence, for clarity with confidence.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
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In this edition:
- Why your confidence might be reduced.
- Top tips on developing your confidence.
- Learn in your own time: “Midlife and Happiness” – two for the price of one special offer.
- Laugh your socks off.
1. Why your confidence might be reduced.
The commonest aspect of self-development for which I get asked for help is confidence. Being confident sure beats feeling intimidated, overwhelmed or nervous, doesn't it? But why do people lack confidence? There are many reasons. One is that during their childhoods people receive messages about themselves and their actions that undermine them, put them down, and leave them feeling stupid, unwanted or inadequate. Feeling inadequate is the antithesis to feeling confident.
A second reason is that people continue to repeat to themselves the messages instilled in them during childhood, thereby reinforcing a lack of confidence. Thus, if your parents said you were a "no-hoper" or were "clumsy" or "rude" for speaking out, then it is easy to keep telling yourself you are a no-hoper, clumsy or rude.
So what did you hear as a child that undermined your confidence? Or what did you see that sent this same message; sometimes a glare or a "tut tut" at a specific moment can be sufficiently hostile to wear confidence away. It is important to know so that you now take active steps to shift away from such indoctrination and move towards choosing your own more useful, positive outlook. For tips on how to become more confident, including when you speak in public, read the "Tips" section.
2. Top tips on how to develop your confidence.
Tip A. Challenge what you were told.
What belief system have you grown up with about yourself? If it is a negative one, ditch it. What was said to you? Challenge it. It could be something quite specific, such as being repeatedly told that it was rude to interrupt someone, so that now in conversation you don't speak out. Challenge this. It is not rude to interrupt someone being an absolute bore and wasting your life! Or someone dominating the conversation and being a bully. Challenge what you were told. You are an adult now you do not need to believe what you were told. As another example, maybe your Mum and Dad told you how disorganized you were or how you could never complete anything or how lazy you were ... the list is endless. Test the negative ideas that were put inside your head, and challenge them. Stand up to them. Don't accept them as true. They were just one person's opinion. You now have choice whether to continue believing in them or not.
Tip B: Monitor what you say to yourself about a set task.
Talk to yourself positively about a task. If you say something negative to yourself, then let it go and substitute it with something helpful. For example, if you are about to try public speaking and you keep telling yourself that you "will blush" or "go blank", or that "the audience will fall asleep", stop doing that. I would never talk to myself so negatively before speaking, it doesn't help. This is in your control. No-one else is making you nervous, you are doing it to yourself.
Tip C: Focus on your successes.
Deliberately remember the times you feel confident, you are successful, and you are delighted with how things are going. Spend your time investing in these times instead of always remembering the bad times or the mistakes. Whatever your mind focuses on is where you are heading. When you do feel confident deliberately commit this time to memory, pay attention to how you feel, what you are doing, how you are sitting or standing, and so on. Then recall this time later, at will, and replay it in your mind. In this way you are practising being confident. Why waste time practising being nervous by going over the bad times? You are eroding your self-esteem. No-one else is doing this to you. You have the control. You have the choice. What are you going to choose to do?
Tip D. Be clearly audible.
There are two good ways to appear confident and fudge it until it becomes natural. One is to ditch the quiet or soft voice and to speak in an easy-to-hear volume. No, you don't have to shout or use a loud voice but you do have to use a voice that can be heard easily. To appear confident - you have to be heard! The second one is to have eye contact with people. Thus, if you are speaking in public look individually at members of the audience. In this way they will presume you are confident. We cover ways to appear confident in front of a group in, "Public speaking made easy", Click here to book now.
3. How you can learn more at home or work, immediately.
Midlife and Happiness
While we are talking about confidence ... how confident are you that you are making the most of being 40 or over? Do you want more confidence that you can soar through the 40s and 50s? If so, this book, “Midlife and Happiness” is here to inspire you. It is a celebration of being over 40 and can show you just how good it can be to be 40, 50, and 60. There are seven chapters on my life and 13 chapters on the lives of other people, aged 40 - 61, and how their confidence for managing life increased. I hope you'll read it. Order now! Only $34.95, with no extra for postage, world-wide.
4. Laugh your socks off.
Thanks to one of our Rachel's Reflections readers, Mike Cheffins, for this joke.
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies", he responded.
"Oh, killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
May you have a confidence boosting fortnight!
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.
How else you can gain clarity with confidence.
Have Rachel speak at your function, run an in-house seminar, or provide 1-1 coaching, e-mail or call +61 8 9390 1188.
Learn in your own time.
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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have in your communication, inter-personal or people skills. Thank you.
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