CONFIDENCE 4 U

How to have a long and happy relationship

15-Jul-1999, Number 22

Thanks for all your feedback from the last newsletter - we received many different interpretations to explain the contradictions.

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Having a happy relationship.

I've just celebrated my silver wedding anniversary. To some, 25 years of marriage to the same person seems inconceivable. To me, it's something I'm delighted with. Why? Because we're happy! So I thought I'd ask my husband what he thought were the secrets for a successful partnership. His reply ...

Choose your partner well!

Have complementary personality types - don't be the same.

Talk about things. We didn't have a TV for the first 16 years of our relationship - instead we talked to each other.

Be willing to compromise. Don't always insist that your way is the right way - meet half way.

Here are some of mine:

Laugh and be playful. We tease each other, laugh a lot and do silly things together ... so we stay light hearted and often have cheerful dispositions.

Know your Myers Briggs Personality Type. A turning point in our relationship was when we learnt about our personality types. We wish we'd known it from the start - it might have avoided some clashes and heart break. When we learnt our types, my husband looked at me and said, "Oh! So it's official then, there are other people like you!" We were opposite types. For those of you who know the Myers Briggs Personality Types - he's a Sensate Thinker (ST) and I'm an iNtuitive Feeler (NF). There were many times when our ways were so different that we'd think there was something wrong with us. When we learnt about type we gained a far more constructive way of talking about and understanding our differences. Instead of arguing or putting each other down we'd say things more like, "I'm sure what you're saying is true for an iNtuitive - can you just explain it some more," or, "I'm not sure my way will give you the details a Sensate might need." Once we knew our types we became much better at working as a team instead of against each other. We still apply our knowledge of type on a daily basis in our relationship. We have become much happier as a consequence.

Have a shared hobby. We go and watch the football together with similar passion, and we go on holidays into the bush with an equal degree of pleasure. You might have to work hard at finding the shared interest as it may not be something you're already doing. Football was an interest we developed together.

Adapt to each other's needs without criticism. For example, because of the nature of my work, I'm not always on time coming home at night. My husband would get very anxious if I weren't home at the time I said I would be ... to the point of getting upset with me. Now I could fight this and tell him to get himself sorted out and that it was his problem and he shouldn't need to know so exactly. Well I could, but it seemed of no value. Instead I bought a car phone so I could always be contacted, and I could phone home easily if I was late ... he was happy. Problem solved through adaption. (This was in the days before mobile phones were popular.)

Keep a list of the things that you like about each other ... and remind yourself. Whatever it was that attracted you to your partner in the first place - remind yourself of this. It's too easy to focus only on the negatives.

Express satisfaction to each other. Tell your partner specifically what it is that you like about him/her. Make it specific, not just, "I think you're a great guy", or, "You're so beautiful," ... more like, "I really admire you for the way you're so patient with the children", "It means a lot to me to have you listen so attentively to my problems," or "I like you holding my hand."

Stick through bad times - don't give up too easily. No relationship is smooth sailing all the way. Hitting rocky patches is normal. So many people stop at that point and give up, thinking there's no hope for a relationship. Most people I know, including us, have found that when they stuck out the bad times, the end result is a deeper, happier relationship.

Do things for each other. Go out of your way to do something for the other person simply because you know she or he will like it. For example, I search out books that my husband would really like but he'd not get for himself, and he'll go the trouble of bringing me home a treat when he does the shopping!

Don't concern yourself with the small things that don't matter ... like clothes on the floor, beard hairs in the wash basin, the top off the toothpaste tube, the toilet seat up ... they aren't really important. No partner will ever do all things your way so don't expect them to and then it's easier.

Keep doing the little romantic things ... whatever that means for you!

Have a happy relationship. We used to say the first year was the worst, then we said the first 7 years and now we say the first 20! In other words relationships can improve with age and it is still possible to have contentment and companionship after 25 years. Honest!

Final Tip

Negotiate each week to have quality time together. Don't just drift through each week and realise you've barely seen each other. Put a time in the diary for a minimum of 2 hours when the 2 of you will be alone doing something you both like, together - no kids! no friends! no family! Just the two of you.

May you be happy.

Rachel