Welcome to this 189th edition of Rachel's Reflections, the number one Internet publication on communication and emotional intelligence, for clarity with confidence.
Written and published by Rachel Green.
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In this edition:
- Why your listening skills matter.
- Latest News: Beginner's guide to being interviewed by the media - now available at only 20% of the cost of our media training sessions.
- Top tips on how to listen well to build relationships.
- Laugh your socks off.
1. Why your listening skills matter.
I was having a conversation over lunch recently when I gave up on it. Why? Because the person concerned was unable to hear my point of view. When I discussed my perception on a topic this man countered everything I said, e.g. he would dismiss my opinion, he would have an alternative answer for each point, he would try to
rationalise away what I said. In the end I stopped, it felt like a waste of time. He was not able to listen to what I was saying. It wasn't as though I needed him to agree with me, or to have a high opinion of me, all I wanted was to be heard.
Developing good listening skills is seldom given the same focus in our society as developing good speaking skills, and yet listening is a very vital part of communication and in fact is 50 percent of it. How often do you listen to people fully? Can you listen fully to people with different points of view without putting their points down or disagreeing? Do you think you are listening when really you aren't? I am sure this man thought he was listening - but he wasn't. He could not have told me what my point of view really was, he could only tell me parts of it as he was too busy formulating an answer back.
Listening skills are vital when building relationships with people. Listening fully and accurately helps build trust between people. The ability to listen to a person fully without counter-arguments, becoming defensive, offering solutions or making wise-cracks
helps build relationships, deepen relationships, and maintain relationships. This is highly important in personal partnerships, in parenting roles with children, and in work relationships with staff, managers and clients. When your clients trust you they are far more likely to give you work than when they don't. When your children trust you to listen to them they are far more likely to talk to you. When you can listen to your staff, or partner, or friend you will get to know them better.
How well do you listen? Read on to the tips section to find out how to listen well. It does matter.
2. Latest news: Your guide to being interviewed on the media - now out.
You can finally get hold of our newest E-book on media interviews. If you want to be interviewed on the radio or by the press, or if you have an interview coming up and you want to know how to do it really well, this book will give you the practical details that you need to be successful. I have been interviewed over 150 times and trained the media to interview you - so get the tips from both perspectives, now. You may be surprised at what you don't know or how much there is for you to learn. You may be an academic, a professional speaker, an author, a musician, a charity, a community organisation ... or someone else wanting to reap the advantages of being interviewed on the radio or in the press, if so, this book will help you. It will take you, step by step, through all the stages required to make sure you get on the media, you captivate your audience and you get your message across irrespective of what they ask you. Media training is notoriously expensive and now you can gain all the information covered in my media training sessions, wherever you are in the world, for only 20% of the cost of a 1-1 session with me. Order your copy now, click here.
3. Top tips on how to listen well.
Tip A. Shut up.
When you are listening to people let them speak without your interrupting. Some people interrupt so often that people never get to finish what they are saying. You might be interrupting because you are interested in what they are saying, but first ask yourself, "Will this question really contribute to the conversation or am I stopping them while they are part way through what they want to say?" If the person is only part way through, try hanging onto your question and returning to fully listening to them.
Tip B: Don't "yes but".
When someone has told you something how do you respond? Do you say, "yes, but" as your opening response, e.g. "Yes, but don't you think it would be better to do ..." or "Yes, but aren't the others also important?" When you say, "Yes, but" you are immediately negating what people have been saying. This is not what listening is about. "Yes, but" is a common response particularly by Judging types on the MBTI and leaves people feeling unheard. Can you hear a view that you don't agree with without saying "yes, but"?
Tip C: Feedback what you've understood.
If you have been listening fully, one way to respond is by letting people know what you have understood them to have said, e.g. feed back what you've understood their view point to be. For example, you might say, "So you reckon that ..." or "So it seems to you that ..." or "You are worried that..." Do this instead of chipping in with your own opinions, these can wait at least until you have shown that you have fully heard the person.
Tip D. Don't offer a solution unless asked for one.
When people are talking about problems, for instance, it doesn't mean they are wanting you to solve them. They may simply want you to listen. This can be very important if you are a manager or supervisor, or in a personal relationship. Instead of giving solutions, again feed back what you understand the problems are from their perspective. Being listened to fully can be empowering and people may need no more than this.
4. Laugh your socks off.
Thanks to one of our Rachel's Reflections readers, Norma Bertram, for this joke.
"The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) is not just an athlete ... she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It was causing too much confusion. When the phone rang she would say "Hello, Picabo, I.C.U."
C'mon you're laughing and it was a good clean joke and they're hard to find these days! If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
May you be listened to this fortnight!
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.
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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation.
Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have in your communication, inter-personal or people skills. Thank you.
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