Written and published by Rachel Green.
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In this edition:
- Don't break the silence - handle it with confidence.
- Latest news: CONFIDENCE 4 U - new name for newsletter ... plus much more news.
- Top tips on: Five ways to feel easy with silence.
- "Happy not hassled" CDs: two for the price of one - special offer.
- Laugh your socks off.
1. Don't break the silence - handle it with confidence.
I remember a male manager I used to have: I'd take a report in to him and he would sit in silence in response. I'd ask a question and he'd barely respond. In the end, the less he said the more I spoke. I was so uncomfortable with the silence that I'd fill it, until I ended up looking like a blabbering bimbo! It was only after this experience that I realised there was another way. I could learn to match and be easy with his silence. I discovered that when I did this and I became quiet, he spoke far more to me. I no longer sounded stupid, and I gained his respect.
What do you do when there is silence? Talk or stay quiet? How comfortable are you in a very quiet place? Do you break the silence or stay calm? If there is silence after you've said something, what do you do? Do you blurt and blab or stay quiet and confident?
How you are in silence matters. Silence is a very important component of communication. It is also a significant self-discovery tool. How well you manage silence can make a difference to how much respect you gain from others; how likely you are to say something that shouldn't be said; or how much information you do or do not gain from other people. Learning to handle silence well is also an important part of building your confidence.
As a further example, three women I've been working with recently have all found silence uncomfortable; and as a consequence have broken it, to their detriment. All were waiting for people to answer questions they'd asked, but because there was a period of silence they blurted something out instead and did not get the information or answers they needed. In one case, the woman was labelled "too bossy" by her manager, and none of them were listened to, even though they were intelligent and savvy.
What was the problem here? The issue was not just with the silence, per se, but with the fact that they couldn't stand feeling uncomfortable, awkward or embarrassed. It was the discomfort that they responded to. If they'd had a more emotionally intelligent way to manage discomfort, there'd have been no problem. They needed to retain their confidence even in silence.
You have the right to remain silent but do you have the skill? Read on to the tips section to find out how you can feel more at ease with silence and how to manage discomfort well.
2. Latest news: CONFIDENCE 4 U - new name for newsletter, plus more.
As of July 2007, the newsletter has undergone a name change. It is no longer called "Rachel's Reflections" and instead will be "CONFIDENCE 4 U". We get a lot of hits to our website from people who have no idea who "Rachel" is. The new title will help them to understand its value. It is still a leading E-Magazine. This edition is using both names just so there is no confusion!
When people buy our "Master of Ceremonies" E-book, I get all sorts of fascinating follow-up letters and requests. Since we added new tips on weddings I've been asked for examples of wedding introductions, toasts and speeches. And I need your help.
If you have any notes of your own wedding toasts or speeches, or from being a master of ceremonies at someone else's wedding, please send them to me. I will credit you with them if I include them in the next edition of Master of Ceremonies. And, of course, if your toasts or speeches are included you get a free copy of the next edition.
By the way, I have just finished compiling a long list of wedding jokes. Here are three of my favourites:
- Zen Koan Q: If a husband is in the forest, and his wife isn't around, is he still wrong?
- I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor.' I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake.'
- After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
While we are on the subject of weddings our new CDs, "A successful marriage: How to have a long and happy marriage and overcome the problems" will be out by the next newsletter. This will be marriage advice like you've never heard it before. It's not from academics, or celebrities, or the rich and famous but from a real, ordinary couple who have been happily married for over 30 years. And their conversation is raw, revealing and intimate. And, by the way, you don't have to be married to benefit from them, any relationship will benefit.
If you would like to be kept up-to-date with the launch of
the marriage CDs so you can be one of the lucky people to get a personally autographed set, (there will only be 25 of these) just send an e-mail to: and we will add you to our new products, e-mail list. We only send you one e-mail per product so you are not bombarded.
I continue to place more free tips on the website. Here are some of the latest for you:
3. Five ways to feel comfortable with silence.
Tip 1: Practise sitting in silence with friends, family or colleagues.
Part of the reason that people feel uncomfortable with silence is that they simply have never tried tolerating it. What awful thing do you think will happen if there is silence? Probably nothing. Practise being in silence with a small group of friends, colleagues or family. Set yourself a timer and determine how long you will go for in silence. Those who manage it can get a reward! Alternatively, the first who breaks the silence has to give everyone a chocolate ... or in some way pay for it! This will be harder for Extraverts than Introverts so be kind to them and start with a short time of say one minute.
Tip 2: Ask a friend a question and then wait in silence.
Invite friends or family members to help you. Tell them you are going to ask them questions and they are to give little in response or to delay their responses. You are to try and resist the temptation to hurry them up, or to ask the questions again, or to end the silence. For example, give them a letter, report or assignment you've written and ask them "What do you think of this?" Then wait until they answer. Don't fill the silence by saying, "So what do you think?" or "Is it okay then?" or "Come on, is it okay or not?" Just wait, and wait, and wait in easy silence.
Tip 3: Go to quiet places and stay there.
Go to quiet places, really quiet places and sit or stand there on your own, in silence. Do this without giving into the restlessness or the voice that says to you, "I can't stand this", or "This is awful." What is it that you can't stand? There is nothing there - there is only silence. Silence can be inspiring and beautiful, if you let it. It is only your mind that makes it horrible. I took 5 people to a sacred space last week, it was a place of complete silence. Most of us were in awe and soaking up the purity of the moment when after only about 1-2 mins someone spoke and broke the magic. Discomfort had taken him over.
Tip 4: Stop being afraid of feeling uncomfortable.
Some people are almost frightened of feeling uncomfortable. They let it stop them from doing what they are doing. Why? Because they want to get rid of feeling uncomfortable. Yet, discomfort is just discomfort - it isn't going to kill you, is it? Make a choice as to how you will behave when you feel uncomfortable. Stop your emotions from telling you what to do. I don't want you to deny the feeling - I want you to be fully aware of it. Then once you know how you feel run through a range of options you have to respond to it. Respond through choice. Do not assume that the discomfort has to be got rid of at any cost, it doesn't. This is such an important message about being emotionally intelligent. Just because you feel something, e.g. discomfort, does not mean it has to dictate what you do.
Tip 5: Listen to yourself in the silence.
I wonder if people who do not like silence are in fact running away from themselves. They are so unused to knowing themselves in silence that they avoid it. Sometimes it is only when we are quiet that we can hear what is going on inside. This won't always be pleasant as there can be pain, bad memories, feelings we don't like, resentments, grudges, and all sorts of things - but by listening to these we can allow them to surface and then go. When we avoid them sometimes they just stay and fester. I never used to listen to myself during the day - I was always too busy. The result was that I had panic attacks in the middle of the night. I started listening then! It would have been easier if I'd just learnt to listen during the day. I do now and my life is much happier. Listen to yourself in the silence - you may not like what you hear but keep listening and learning.
4. How to learn to be comfortable with silence.
Happy not hassled: Using meditation to manage your emotions and find contentment.
This 2CD set will give you practical exercises to follow in silence. It will help you to learn to sit silently, to listen inside, to sit out discomfort without running away, and to feel more at ease with a range of emotions. In fact to experience some of the more negative emotions less, such as irritation, anxiety, anger and frustration. You can choose the length of the exercises and start with a short one! I have tested all the exercises and meditations on these CDs and they really work. AU$45.00 with no extra for postage, world-wide. Click here to order now.
Bonus: If you buy these CDs on the website no later than Friday 6th July 2007, then you will receive a second copy of the CDs for F.R.E.E. worth $45. Give them to a friend and help them too. To be eligible for the extra copy you must order through our On-line Book and CD store and click newsletter when it asks you where you heard about the CDs. Don't miss out - hurry as this offer closes, Friday 6th July 2007. This offer is ONLY available to Rachel's Reflections Readers.
Order now!
5. Laugh your socks off.
Thanks to one of our Rachel's Reflections readers, Cathy Jones, for this fortnight�s joke.
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night ... look at the moon." The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend, "No, that's not the moon, that's the sun." They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
May you feel comfortable with discomfort and have choice in your responses to silence.
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.
Further information for you
If you'd like me to speak at your function or seminar on happiness, emotional intelligence, confidence, presentation skills, staying calm with negative people, emotionally intelligent customer service, or a similar topic; or MC your event; or provide you with 1-1 coaching; e-mail or call +61 8 9390 1188.
Learn in your own time.
There are five CD sets, a printed book and 6 Electronic books to help you, including the NEW! CD set on "How to have abundant energy," and the new 3rd edition of the E-book "How to be a brilliant master of ceremonies." Please order in our online book and CD store - we have a secure server: click here.
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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation.
Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have with your communication, inter-personal relationships, emotional management, spiritual development or psychological well-being. Thank you.
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