Written and published by Rachel Green.
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In this edition:
- The pressure to conform is high.
- Latest news: Winner announced - is this you?
- Top tips on: How not to give in to peer pressure to conform.
- "Midlife and happiness" book - special offer.
- Laugh your socks off.
1. The pressure to conform is high.
Have you ever felt peer or family pressure to behave in a certain way even though it isn't what you want to do or think is best? Maybe you have experienced negativity because you have done something that other people don't approve of even though it is right for you. Or maybe you have opinions on subjects that others don't agree with. How do you react?
The pressure to conform to other people's expectations, behaviour and views is strong both socially and at work. It can apply to many different situations, from whether you drink or not, what you spend your money on, how you dress, whether you work back late or not, the religion you choose, whether you get married or stay single, what kind of work you do, taking drugs, the type of partner you choose ... and on the list goes.
What do you do? Do you do things that you don't want to do just because you think it is "expected", or because everyone else is doing it, or because people ridicule you or put you down? Do you stand your ground defiantly but feel bad? Do you find a gentle way to deal with the situation without giving in?
Being able to stand up to the pressure to conform can require clarity and confidence. It is not always easy to do nor easy to do well. I decided we'd discuss this because many people have mentioned it to me as an issue for them. In fact there are probably few people who have never had it as an issue at some time in their lives.
How can you resist the pressure to conform when you don't think it is right for you ... (without getting into too much trouble!)? Read on to the tips section to find out.
2. Latest news: And the winner is ....
Welcome to 62 new readers this fortnight from India, Canada, Namibia, USA, Wales, UK and Australia ... plus a big welcome to a new group of readers from the Australian Feldenkrais Guild, and staff at the University of Western Australia and Verve Energy. Great to have you join us. Please feel able to request topics.
The winner of the new subscribers competition for a F.R.E.E. CD set of their choice is Jad Davies from Wales. Congratulations! Jad was drawn out of the hat from all the new subscribers this fortnight. Jad please e-mail us: and tell us which CD you'd like and how you heard about CONFIDENCE 4 U, then we will arrange to send the CD to you.
We are holding a similar draw this fortnight so if you know anyone who would benefit from reading CONFIDENCE 4 U please encourage them to join and they will be in the draw to win an E-book of their choice from our range. The competition closes on Monday 8th October. If the winner nominates you as the person who encouraged him/her to join - you win an E-book too. Subscribe here: http://www.rachelgreen.com/newsletter.html
3. How to not give in to peer pressure to conform
As an example I will mainly use the fact that I don't drink alcohol. The pressure to drink alcohol and take drugs is a common one in our society. The tips given may apply to many different situations though.
Tip 1: Have set lines to respond to requests to conform
If you know that what you are doing might "raise some eyebrows" or people may try to talk you out of something that is good for you, be ready with a pre-prepared and easy-to-say response.
For example, when people try to pressure me into drinking alcohol I simply say, "No thanks, I don't drink." If they say "Why?" I simply reply, "Just one of those things I suppose." And that is all you will get out of me. I give no explanation.
I know from experience that when I give a reason for not drinking, people spend more time trying to talk me into drinking. People give me a lecture on how good red wine is for me, or on how silly I am, or they say, "Just one glass of champagne won't hurt". I have learnt the shorter (and vaguer) my response is the less pressure I receive in return.
Do you have some pre-prepared lines for your situations that work for you? Do you keep your answers short and non-offensive? Do you avoid giving a reason and therefore avoid arguments?
Tip 2: Break the news gently in a way people can hear.
Make it easy for the people involved to hear your news. For example, when I am not drinking but everyone else is I don't give a lecture on how bad it is to drink and how they would be better off to follow my good example! Why would anyone want to listen to that?
Instead, I give a simple encourager with a gentle friendly explanation, something along the lines of, "Don't mind me, I'm happy for you to drink, I'm on orange juice tonight though." There is no put down of the other people and a clear indication that this is just a statement about me.
As another example, I have a colleague who has recently changed his job. He has changed his priorities in life. Rather than do what society says he should do - which is to be a top professional earning big bucks, he has given away the pressure to have more time at home, and now works for the local council as a rubbish collector. He is very happy with his choice. However, he finds that others aren't. If he goes to a party and people ask him what he does and he says "I'm a rubbish collector" he finds he is met with silence.
I suggested to him therefore that he set the scene first before saying what he does. It would sound something like this: "I worked in a law firm up until 2 years ago when I thought, why am I spending so long away from my family? So I went through a Sea Change and got a much easier job so I could see my kids more, and now I am a rubbish collector." This makes it easier for prejudiced people to hear and accept.
Tip 3: Repeat your answer.
If people don't accept your answer the first time, say it again. "No thanks, I don't drink." If they still keep trying to persuade you, with a kind, relaxed tone, say the exact same thing again, "No I don't drink, thanks". And again, for as long as necessary. Why change your response if they haven't got the first answer? It is sometimes only if people hear you two or three times that they finally accept it.
Tip 4: Be clear about your decision - ask yourself, "Is it right?".
You need to examine your own heart to double check that this is the right decision for you. Become VERY clear that it is right. If you haven't done this it is much easier to waver and give other people the opportunity to talk you out of it.
For example, I had a colleague call me recently because his parents don't approve of his new partner, and he asked me what I thought. (By the way he is a mature man.) I asked two questions. Firstly, are both you and your partner happy in the relationship? Secondly, is anything you are doing harming anyone? The answer to the first question was "Yes, we are both very happy". The answer to the second was "We are not harming anyone - we are both kind, gentle people caring for each other and others." Thus the relationship sounded fine to me! They may have had other questions they needed to answer for themselves, but these were the sort of questions they could use. He did not have to conform to what his parents wanted. Of course, whether I approved or not was also irrelevant!
Tip 5: If your friends can't cope consider getting new friends
This may sound harsh but sometimes you may have to choose your friends carefully. If you are doing something good for yourself, such as not drinking, and your friends don't like it, you may need to consider changing your friends. I have one set of friends who find it very difficult to cope with my not drinking. I have no problem with their drinking but they seem to be challenged by a non-drinker, I think because their own lives revolve around alcohol. This friendship is fading and new friendships are forming - mainly with non drinkers or people who are supportive.
It is not easy being a non-conformist. There are always consequences. Some of these are hard, some are easy. It is up to you to decide what is right for you (providing it harms no-one else). Having decided this take it one step at a time to work out how you are going to stick to what you know is right, and allow your confidence and skills to grow.
4. Read about people who had the confidence to become themselves.
Midlife and Happiness
If you get inspired by reading other people's stories then this book, “Midlife and Happiness” is here to inspire you. There are seven chapters on my life, including how I found myself instead of being the person other people wanted me to be, and 13 chapters on the lives of other people, aged 40 - 61. There are 7 men and 7 women featured in the book - all of them interesting in their own fascinating ways. I hope you'll read it. Order now! Only $34.95, with no extra for postage, world-wide.
If you order no later than Tuesday 2nd October 2007 then you will get a F.R.E.E. extra copy to give to a friend, to the value of $34.95. To be eligible for the extra copy you must order through our On-line Book and CD store and click NEWSLETTER when it asks you where you heard about the book. Don't miss out - this offer closes, Tuesday 2nd October 2007. This offer is ONLY available to CONFIDENCE 4 U readers.
Order now!
5. Laugh your socks off.
Thanks to our Confidence 4 U reader Angelee Deodhar, in India, for this fortnight's joke.
"An atheist was taking a walk through the woods "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone down upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
May your confidence grow - so you don't feel obliged to give into negative peer pressure.
Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.
Further information for you
If you'd like me to speak at your function or seminar on communication, emotional intelligence, confidence, presentation skills, staying calm with negative people, or a similar topic; or provide you with 1-1 job interview coaching; e-mail or call +61 8 9390 1188.
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Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation.
Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have with your confidence, communication, assertion skills, self-esteem, presentation skills, inter-personal relationships, emotional management, or psychological well-being. Thank you.
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