CONFIDENCE 4 U

Emotions: How to handle them

23-Oct-2007, Number 208

Written and published by Rachel Green.
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Welcome to our new readers from around the world, including this fortnight from Nigeria, USA, China, Australia, UK, and more.

The winner this fortnight, of a free E-book of his/her choice from our range, is bec333 in the USA. Sorry we don't know your full name. If this is your e-mail address please contact us to claim your prize before the next newsletter.

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1. Do you take drugs to handle your emotions?

Being able to handle your emotions in a mature way is a critical part of your emotional IQ. However, this is not the only reason that it is important. In addition, how you react to your emotions or feelings influences everyone around you. If you have children for instance, they watch to see what you do when you feel anxious, angry or sad and they learn from you. How we handle our emotions also influences our colleagues, our partners and our neighbours.

I have been following a news story this week with some dismay. The media has been hounding a local young hero for a seemingly minor drug offence despite the fact that one of his best mates died the week before. How many of us would not reach for a drug of some sort under such conditions? My dismay has been over the double standards that I think our society has towards people who take "drugs".

Where do our kids learn that taking drugs is a good way to handle emotions? Probably, I would suggest, at least in part, from the rest of us.

How can this be? "I have never taken illicit drugs" I hear you say. Hopefully not. But when you are anxious or stressed do you ever drink alcohol to feel better? If you have been in grief have you ever taken sleeping tablets to lessen the pain? If you have been lonely or feeling empty inside, have you ever over-eaten? If you have felt down have you ever smoked a cigarette?

If your answer to any of these questions is yes, then the message that you send to those who see you is that when you feel bad, you can put something in your mouth and it will fix it. You are taking drugs to handle your emotions.

Most of our society manages their emotions in this way. So how can we point a finger at the individual drug user? Surely we should be pointing the finger at ourselves and society as a whole and learning more emotionally intelligent ways to handle our emotions. Then we can consistently send out healthier messages. Then maybe we can help our kids feel stronger about saying no to drugs.

Let's look therefore at other ways to handle our emotions so we can give our emotional IQs a boost and help society at the same time!

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2. Emotions: How to handle them intelligently

Let's look at 5 emotions and I'll give one idea for each one.

Tip 1: Loneliness.

Next time you head for the fridge to settle an emotion say HALT. Ask yourself am I doing this because I am Hungry, or because I am Angry, Lonely or Tired? Only if it is genuine hunger eat. If it is loneliness start a journal and write out all the reasons you are lonely, then write out at least three things you can do to become less lonely. Then take one of these steps. Do something very specific and very active to overcome the loneliness. Join a club. Pick up the phone and invite a friend over. Join a safe internet chat room with like-minded people. Start to find the people you need to give you companionship. You could also become a volunteer and go and help people who need help. This can be a great cure for loneliness.

Tip 2: Stress.

Learn a healthy way to relax. There are lots of choices, exercise, tai chi, meditation, yoga and the like. Put some regular time aside to develop the skills so that relaxation becomes more of a habit and stress is less likely to build up. You will then also have a technique to draw on to get rid of stress when you feel stressed.
--- Tip 3: Anxiety.--- Breathe gently, breathe more deeply, breathe more slowly. Then watch the anxiety. Watch the anxiety so you become more of a curious yet detached observer, a bit like watching a movie, until the anxiety fades. Do this without adding fear of the anxiety on top of it. It is often the fear of the anxiety itself that can lead us to want to get rid of it. It is also fear that can escalate the anxiety into panic.

Tip 4: Hurt.

Recognise when you feel hurt and name it to yourself. I am feeling hurt. Naming it can be very useful as it brings it to the surface and helps it to feel recognised. Most often people try to bury their hurt or turn it into anger and revenge. Name it then it won't have such a hold on you. Then decide what would help you lessen the hurt - do you need a good cry? Do you need to go and pamper yourself so the hurt softens and you start to feel special again? Is it that you have bad memories coming up and a psychologist could help you to get rid of them? Do something constructive to let it go.

Tip 5: Resentment.

When you feel peeved or resentful sit down and write a letter all about it to the person you feel resentful towards. Then when you have it "out of your system" screw up the letter and throw it away. Don't send it. The writing is a way to express the emotion safely, and it is the safe expression of an emotion that makes it emotionally intelligent.

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3. How to avoid feeling tired.

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4. Laugh your socks off.

Thanks to our Confidence 4 U reader Cathy Jones, for this fortnight's joke.

The Pearly Gates - Biker story.

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off! Or I'll kick the s--t out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago".

If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to

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May you manage your emotions in a healthy way and feel better for it.

Until next fortnight,
With kindness,
Rachel.

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Further information for you

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Disclaimer: The information in this magazine is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have with your confidence, communication, or emotions. Thank you.