Written and published by Rachel Green.
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1. Welcome.
I have been reading through some of the requests people send to me when they first subscribe to CONFIDENCE 4 U. It is clear that a significant number of you want help in handling difficult personalities at work, managing negative people in meetings and dealing with people who try to undermine you. Therefore, I am going to put a series of magazines together on these topics, starting with this edition.
I've come across many negative people, so I will try and give examples from my experiences to help illustrate the points for you. I know how hard it is not to let the negativity stick. Please read on to the tips section, to find out how to work with negative people without getting angry. All the tips are based on ideas I personally use to help me in this area.
Welcome to our new readers from around the world, including this fortnight people from UK, Kenya, Australia, USA and India. The winner this fortnight, of a free E-book from our range, is Joni @ Reach in Australia. Please contact us to claim your prize by 11th February 2008:
2. The tips: How to work with negative people (without getting angry)
Tip 1: Keep things in perspective - watch the news.
One of the problems in having negative co-workers, staff or customers is that they can consume your time and energy far more than they deserve. The first challenge, always, when you come across someone who is negative towards you, your work, services or ideas, is to make sure you don't let them eat away at you. This means that once you have left work, put the phone down, or finished the meeting, you don't let them take over your mind. If you go over and over and over what was said and what was meant, and spend hours generating more and more anger towards them, you are giving away your own inner peace to someone who doesn't deserve it. Instead, do something to keep things in perspective.
Easier said than done, I know! One thing that helps me is to go home and watch the TV news. When I watch the news I am reminded that something far worse has always happened elsewhere. I can see the dreadful conditions in Iraq and be thankful that I only have one negative person to deal with. I can see the people whose homes have been flooded or washed away in a landslide and realise that my problem with the difficult person isn't so bad or important after all - it's just a negative person. I can even watch the kind of political battles that politicians and international bodies have to deal with and give thanks that my negative person is only at a small local level and will never affect international relations!
Tip 2. Remember that people become negative towards Saints too.
Don't take what they say personally. It is often not about you - it is about them. I know from having worked in call centres, that even when people make it sound as though it is about you, it often isn't; they can simply be having a bad day, or hate all women or men, or are angry because they feel threatened, powerless or inadequate. Check that you don't let yourself get hooked in by someone else's negativity when it is nothing to do with you.
I learnt a way to do this from a wonderful person I worked for once. After participating in a meeting where a man dumped his anger on me, I went to see her. I wanted her perspective on what happened in case I contributed to the situation without realising it, (we all have our blind spots). I simply asked, "You saw Wayne get angry, I'd appreciate your input as to what you thought was going on and how I contributed to it. Also, what do you think I can do differently to stop it happening?"
The boss helped me enormously by saying, "There was nothing that you did to provoke it, you were absolutely fine. Some people are simply angry; irrespective of what you do, they are angry. You were there and they were angry, that's all. Even Saints still find people get angry at them."
That was a wonderful thing to say as it reminded me that sometimes people are simply negative because they are negative, and sometimes I just happen to get in the way of it. Even Saints get criticised so we mere mortals are bound to! So next time it happens to you - remind yourself of this and you may feel better and not get angry back.
Tip 3. Go silent and see if others respond
If you have had to endure personal and unfair criticisms from a person at a meeting and you are surrounded by other people, it can sometimes be useful to go silent. In the silence, discover whether anyone else responds and comes to your defence or sheds a different light on the situation. It can be a very effective way of your not getting involved in an argument.
I know you may want to immediately jump to your own defence, but sometimes when others do it for you, it can result in a much happier outcome. If no-one else says anything, you can always ask, "What do the rest of you think?" (And hope they don't all take sides with the complainant!)
The silence can provide you with thinking time and encourage others to respond who may not have done so had you gone into battle yourself. I have also found that the comments from other people have been far more composed, under these circumstances than anything I could have added, and carry far more weight because they come from other people who are not involved in the accusation.
So the tip is to simply stay quiet and wait to see what happens. No-one may say anything, in which case you may have to respond yourself, (although the option to ignore rather than fuel the negativity is also there). Silence can be much sweeter than an argument, on some occasions.
Tip 4. Check what is said and collect more data
One of the difficulties with communicating with negative people is that they can talk in a very general way. This can make it sound as though they have a lot of people backing up their criticisms when they may not. Similarly, they can make negative statements sound like facts, when they may not be.
The first step in managing this kind of negativity is to notice it happening from the beginning before you get sucked into it or upset by it. Once you realise what is going on then gently and respectfully ask for further details. This will help you to determine whether or not there is anything substantial behind what they say. (If there is, you may need to take it on board.)
Here are some examples.
If someone says, "People have told me that ..." you might gently say, "I'd like to know which people you are referring to, please", (without adding a sarcastic tone to your voice).
If someone says, "You are being unrealistic and it will never work", you might kindly ask, "Unrealistic, in what way?"
If someone complains, "It will cost us far too much money", you might enquire, "How much money do you think it will cost?"
The tip is here to keep your cool, not get upset and simply become a detective collecting more data. You then have far more chance of discussing the subject calmly and kindly. In this way the negative person doesn't have the pleasure of seeing you rise to his or her bait. Very important! And you maintain your own integrity. After all, you will never be able to stop people being negative, but you can control your own response. Then you will be able to get a good night's sleep.
There are plenty more techniques that will help you, but this is enough for now. There will be more in future magazines.
3. More self-confidence tips.
Each fortnight more new tips are placed on our page of Personal Development Tips and Articles.
Recently, there have been a lot of new ones on confidence building and public speaking, for you to read. Click on the links to read three of the latest sets of tips:
- Five easy ways to overcome nervousness in public speaking.
- CONFIDENCE - Ten steps for developing more confidence in everyday life.
- Five ways to cure your public speaking stage fright.
4. Learn more about how to stay in control around negativity.
How not to take things personally: Dealing positively with negativity
If you want to hear more about how to stay calm in negative situations I have recorded a CD called "How not to take things personally: Dealing positively with negativity”. It is a live speech I gave to a group of people who had to deal with difficult staff, parents and suppliers. The CDs are informative and entertaining and will give you more practical steps to cope with negativity and help you learn to let it all wash over you like water off a duck's back. All the methods on the CDs I use frequently to help me stay calm when things go wrong and people are negative. AU$45.00 with no extra for postage, world-wide. Order now!
Bonus: If you buy these CDs on the website no later than Saturday 2nd February 2008, then you will receive a second copy of the CDs for F.R.E.E. worth $45. Give them to a friend and help them too.
To be eligible for the extra copy you must order through our On-line Book and CD store and click newsletter when it asks you where you heard about the CDs. Don't miss out - hurry as this offer closes, Saturday 2nd February 2008. This offer is ONLY available to CONFIDENCE 4 U Readers.
5. Laugh your socks off.
I've been collecting jokes to help people who are Masters of Ceremonies at weddings, so this fortnight here's one of my favourites! (By the way, my husband laughed too!)
Different types of women
What is the difference between a "lady of the night", a girlfriend, and a wife?
The "lady of the night", says, "That'll be $100."
The girlfriend says, "Oh, baby! I love you, I love you, I love you!"
The wife says, "Beige. Yeah. Beige. I'll paint the ceiling beige."
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
When you stay calm the world becomes a better place. When you respond with anger you increase the pain of the world. May you stay calm and confident even when surrounded by negative people.
With kindness,
Rachel.
Further information for you
Learn in your own time.
There are seven CD sets, a printed book and 6 Electronic books to help you, including the NEW! CD set on "Confidence for women in social situations," and the new 3rd edition of the E-book "How to be a brilliant master of ceremonies." Please order in our online book and CD store - we have a secure server: click here.
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Disclaimer: The information in this magazine is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation.
Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have with your confidence, public speaking, conversations, managing people, communication, or emotions. Thank you.
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