CONFIDENCE 4 U

How to manage anxiety and nervousness - an emotionally intelligent approach

12-Feb-2008, Number 214

Written and published by Rachel Green.
Visit our website at http://www.rachelgreen.com
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1. Welcome.

Many people experience anxiety and nervousness, not just generally, but in specific work situations. It may be when you are going for a job interview, speaking in public, meeting strangers in a networking event or talking to more senior people.

For some people the anxiety is crippling and they freeze, go blank or become distressed by it. For others, it can be a motivator to meet a deadline, to do extra preparation or to enjoy the thrill of a challenge.

However, anxiety and nervousness to most of us, are very unsettling and can destroy our skills and communication. It's almost as if the anxiety takes us over. So how can we manage it in an emotionally intelligent way so we reduce the severity of it and it doesn't affect us so badly? Read onto the tips section to find out.

Welcome to our new readers from around the world, we have had a record number this fortnight from 13 different countries, which is wonderful. Welcome to all of you from India, USA, South Africa, Australia, Nigeria, Swaziland, Germany, Pakistan, Belgium, Canada, Scotland, Kenya and England.

The winners this fortnight, of a free E-book from our range, are Portfolio11 in the UK, and Toasties (Westnet) in Australia. Please contact us to claim your prizes by 25th February 2008:

If you know anyone who would like to receive CONFIDENCE 4 U, please encourage them to subscribe. Each new subscriber will go in the draw for a F.R.E.E. E-book of his or her choice.

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2. The tips: How to manage anxiety and nervousness

Tip 1: Emotions are just emotions.

As far as being emotionally intelligent is concerned, what matters is not whether you experience an emotion but how well you manage it. In other words, emotions are not good or bad, it's what you do with them that matters.

One of the important parts about managing your emotions is not to be frightened of them. Emotions are just emotions. Many people get frightened by anxiety and nervousness. Admittedly, they aren't usually pleasant, (although they aren't that dissimilar to excitement, which is considered pleasurable), but fearing them doesn't help. Being frightened of anxiety, blushing or nervousness intensifies these feelings. Knowing how you feel but without trying to run away from the feelings, avoid them, or bury them can stop anxiety and tension from building.

Tip 2. Focus on helping the other people.

Many people who are nervous about public speaking, job interviews or talking to people are often, in my experience, suffering from a fear of "audience attack". They think the audience, the interview panel or the people they meet are going to be very critical, want to trip them up or find fault in everything they do. All of this fear of "audience attack" increases anxiety and nervousness.

Instead, focus on helping the people. For example, feel sorry for the people on the interview panel - imagine how difficult their job is. After all, somehow they are meant to know who the best person for the job is, and that isn't easy. They have to wade through masses of information, listen to lots of people and pick out the good bits from all the waffle they are given. Therefore, think of your job as being to HELP them; to help them pick you.

When you approach an interview panel with a view to helping them to pick you for the job your anxiety is going to be far less than if you think they are critical of you and are going to interrogate you.

If you stand in front of an audience and think "I must help them learn this material", you will be less nervous than if you think, "They are waiting to trip me up".

When you are networking, if you think "I will help this person find out what we have in common" you will be far less stressed than if you think, "They'll not like me", or "They won't be interested in what I have to say."

When you focus on HELPING people everyone benefits.

Tip 3. Watch your emotion rather than becoming entangled with it

Learn to become a detached observer of your anxiety and nervousness, or any other emotion such as frustration, anger or hurt. Become curious about it, about how it waxes and wanes, about how it develops and fades away. Don't join in with it. Don't become at one with it. Don't think "I am an anxious person", or even "I am anxious". Simply notice there is anxiety present. Make it into a "THING" to watch, just as you might watch a bird pecking about on the grass in a park, a bee on a flower, or an old man walking down the street.

Tip 4. Generate options to manage the nervousness

An emotionally intelligent way to respond to an emotion is to generate options for managing it. Some of them could be quite silly, some could be very wise, most will be in-between. Having thought of a range of options for dealing with it, you can then chose the most emotionally intelligent response. Whatever you do, don't let the emotion dictate your behaviour. Don't let it ruin your job interview or your presentation, or render you speechless at a dinner party.

For example, you might be about to drive on your own to a social event, where you don't know many people, and you feel your stomach getting on edge as a pang of anxiety passes through. Consider what options you have to manage it and generate at least seven options. (This activity alone can help lessen the anxiety as it distances you from it.) What seven can you come up with?

Here are seven I've just thought of:

1. You could tighten your stomach some more so that it feels worse.
   
2. You could stop and scream "I have a worry worm, help, it's eating me up," at the top of your voice.
   
3. You might talk to your worry worm: "Hello, worry worm, I thought you'd come along for the drive, how can I help you settle?"
   
4. You might focus on your breathing so that your diaphragm relaxes and you keep breathing calmly.
   
5. You might challenge your nervous thinking. "How many people have I ever heard say to someone at a party, 'I refuse to talk to you, you are so dull and boring, I'm not going to waste my time responding to your greeting,' and then walk away?"
   
6. You might stop in your driveway and have a quick dance, or jump up and down on the spot, so the poor anxious worry worm collapses in a heap of exhaustion and has its energy all burnt up.
   
7. You could remember the last time you were successful and enjoyed talking to someone at a party and relive it over and over again, so you start to enjoy yourself, and the worry worms slinks away because it isn't getting any attention.
   

The point is here to be creative - not to be sensible - but simply to generate options. Your next step is then to decide out of all the options which one will best help you and keep you safe. There is no one right way to manage an emotion. Having chosen the best option, you then need to do it. In this way you are not letting the anxiety or nervousness eat you up or dictate what happens. Now that's emotionally intelligent.

Managing emotions, even anxiety and nervousness can be fun!

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3. More self-confidence tips.

Each fortnight more new tips are placed on our page of Personal Development Tips and Articles.

Recently, there have been a lot of new ones on confidence building and public speaking, for you to read. Click on the links to read three of the latest sets of tips:

1. How to sound confident when public speaking.
   

2. How to be taken seriously and win respect.
   

3. Seven easy ways to stop feeling inadequate.
   

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4. Learn more about how to manage stage fright and anxiety.

Confidence for women in public speaking: How to cure stage fright and develop more confident public speaking skills.

NEW! ONLY JUST RELEASED

Are you afraid to speak in public? Do you suffer from public speaking anxiety, panic or nervousness? Do you get stage fright with blushing, shaking, sweating, heart pounding, butterflies in your stomach or paralysis? Would you rather be a confident public speaker and presenter? Yes! Then discover how to develop more confident public speaking and presentation skills by:

1. Hearing a series of shy, introverted and anxious women individually being coached until their nerves melt and confidence takes over;
   
2. Using the great public speaking tips given by a group of other women who have public speaking confidence.
   
3. Hearing my own tips on how to maintain confidence in front of a crowd.
   

Let these breakthrough public speaking CDs stop your nerves and give you confidence, right now. This is unique material that's never been available before. They are FULL of practical tips that you can use for greater public speaking confidence.

For only AU$49 they could transform your life and overcome your public speaking stage fright. And, whereever you are in the world, this is all you pay - there is no extra for postage. Order now!

Bonus: If you buy these CDs on the website no later than Saturday 16 February 2008, then you will receive a F.R.E.E. article, "Finally the shaking stopped! Eleven simple steps for overcoming public speaking stage fright." The first fifteen sets will also be personally autographed, so order quickly. These are the best CDs I have ever done - the women are so inspiring and the information unique.

To be eligible for this special offer you must order through our On-line Book and CD store and click newsletter when it asks you where you heard about the CDs. Don't miss out - hurry as this offer closes, Saturday 16th February 2008. This offer is ONLY available to CONFIDENCE 4 U Readers.

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5. Laugh your socks off.

Urgent Project

A project manager and two programmers are working on an urgent project. One day they decide to walk to the nearby park during their lunch hour.

Halfway to the park, they stumble upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says, “Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish.”

One of the programmers goes first: “I’d like to spend the rest of my life living in the Bahamas, in a huge house, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.” The genie grants his wish and sends him off to the Bahamas.

The other programmer goes next: “I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.” The genie grants his wish and sends him to the Mediterranean.

Then it’s the project manager’s turn. “And what would your wish be?” asks the genie.

“I want them both back after lunch” replies the project manager.

If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to

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May your anxiety and nervousness lessen so that you live a life of relaxed confidence and contentment and can be at your best.

With kindness,
Rachel.

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Further information for you

Learn in your own time.

There are EIGHT CD sets, a printed book and SIX Electronic books to help you, including the NEW! CD set on "Confidence for women in public speaking," and the new 3rd edition of the E-book "How to be a brilliant master of ceremonies." Please order in our online book and CD store - we have a secure server: click here.

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Please note, material in this newsletter is copyrighted and remains the intellectual property of RachelGreen.Com Pty Ltd.

Disclaimer: The information in this magazine is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation. Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have with your emotions, confidence, job interviews, relationships, public speaking, conversations, managing people or communication. Thank you.