Written and published by Rachel Green.
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In this edition:
- Welcome and background news.
- Top tips on how to say "No!" nicely without being aggressive.
- More tips on assertiveness and confidence.
- Special offer: A copy of our latest CD, "Confidence for women at work": when you buy one, you get one F.R.E.E.
- Laugh your socks off.
1. Welcome.
How many times have you been asked to do something, and said "Yes" when you really wanted to say "No"? Have you ever felt manipulated into agreeing to do something by your children, mother or boss? Or maybe you have found yourself agreeing to do something only because you felt guilty, or because you didn't want to hurt someone else's feelings?
I know many of us fall into these traps. It can result in our being overworked, stressed and feeling resentful or unhappy.
In order to stand up for ourselves, stay healthy and gain respect we need to be able to say, "No!" nicely and stick to it. It's important that we can all stipulate our boundaries and stick to them when we need to, even if we feel guilty, are being manipulated or someone is being really nice to us. This is not about being rude, uncaring or aggressive, it's about looking after ourselves and our health; and having a quality life with happiness.
(Of course, saying "no" nicely it not always the best way. Sometimes being aggressive may be needed, such as if you are under attack. I am not covering this scenario here.)
How can we say "no" nicely? Read on to the tips section to find out.
Welcome to all our new readers from around the world, including this fortnight from Singapore, Australia, New Zealand, UK and USA. Welcome! Please tell your friends and colleagues about Confidence 4 U - that is the only way the tips can reach more people.
The winner this fortnight, of a free E-book from our range, is cosean13 from the USA. If this is you, please contact us to claim your prize by Saturday 23rd August 2008:
2. The TOP TIPS: How to say "No!" nicely without being aggressive.
Tip 1: Be caring.
There is usually no need to be rude or aggressive. Thus, it is possible to start by saying, "Thank you". Thank the person for asking you, acknowledge the difficulty of their predicament, say how thoughtful they are for considering you, etc.
For example, "Thanks ever so much for inviting me, that's really kind of you".
By the way, your voice tone as you say this is important. Keep a pleasant, warm voice tone throughout. It is easy to sound sarcastic, but this is more aggressive and can badly diminish relationships.
Tip 2. Say "No!" without guilt (or even if you do feel guilty).
Don't let guilt dictate what you do. Make an emotionally intelligent decision, not just an emotional one. Notice and acknowledge the guilt as your first step. Then decide whether it's warranted or not. If you are about to harm someone it is there for a good reason. If it's stopping you from taking care of yourself it may not be!
You have the right to say "No" even when someone is manipulative, really nice, generous or making you feel mean or guilty. You're worth the same security that you give to your car, your house or someone else's feelings. Take care of yourself.
If you feel guilty, stay with the feeling and survive it and still say "No" nicely, (unless the guilt is stopping you from doing something wrong). Guilt is not likely to harm you - giving into it may do.
Tip 3. Be able to say "No!" without justification.
When you justify your answers people may pursue your reasons and wear you down on those rather than the "No". When you give reasons people usually keep on at you for longer.
For example, instead of saying "I'm sorry I can't, I'm busy" or "I'm doing something that night" drop off the reasoning and say "Thank you, No" politely.
(Sometimes reasons may be needed but you need to be able to have the choice not to give them.)
I'll always remember the time I was asked to be on an umpteenth committee. Sadly, it was my boss asking me. I said "I'm sorry I can't, I'm busy". Guess what she said? "We all are". Then the staff member next to me was asked and she simply said, "I'm sorry I can't". Guess who ended up on the committee? Yes me! Not any more. I don't give reasons when I don't need them.
Tip 4. Stick to what you say and repeat it.
If someone doesn't respect your "No" the first time, keep saying the same thing. For example, if you say, "That's confidential", say the same thing, "That's confidential" the 2nd time, and "That's confidential" the 3rd time. Usually, in my experience, after about 3 times people stop attempting to persuade.
Be careful of answering the "Why?" question. When you feel obliged to answer "But why?" with a reason, you immediately catapult yourself back into being talked into something because the person will argue against your reason rather than respecting your "No". You do not always have to justify your behaviour to people.
Choose when you do. Know what you are doing. Communicate through choice not through habit and you will have more control over your own life.
3. More tips on how to be assertive and confident.
Each month new tips are placed on our page of Personal Development Tips and Articles.
There are several sets on communication skills, assertion skills and confidence for you to read. Click on the links to read three of the most relevant ones:
- How to be taken seriously and win respect
- CONFIDENCE - Ten steps for developing more confidence in everyday life
- How to look more confident.
4. More ways to have the confidence to be assertive and say "No!" nicely.
Confidence for women at work.
There are many more tips on how to develop your confidence, communication skills and stand up for yourself on our latest CD set. Whatever your situation, age or background there is something for every woman in the workforce on these CDs.
Seven amazing women (and myself), talk about how to be confident and communicate clearly at work. Hear their stories, learn from their experiences and gain their star strategies for work and communication success. They are inspiring. I learnt so much from them.
Order now! Only $49.00, with no extra for postage, world-wide.
If you order no later than Saturday 23rd August 2008 then you will get a F.R.E.E. extra copy to give to a friend, to the value of $49.
To be eligible for the extra copy you must order through our On-line Book and CD store and click NEWSLETTER when it asks you where you heard about the book. Don't miss out - this offer closes, Saturday 23rd August 2008. This offer is ONLY available to CONFIDENCE 4 U readers.
Click here to order.
5. Laugh your socks off.
Thanks to Mike Green from DEC for this fortnight's joke.
Celibacy
Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy. This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
"Self-raising, isn't it?'
Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.
If you have some clean jokes we can use, please send your contributions to
May you have the confidence to stand up for your needs and take care of yourself. Your own happiness is worth protecting.
With kindness,
Rachel.
Further information for you
Learn in your own time.
There are eight CD sets, a printed book and 5 Electronic books to help you, including the NEW! CD set on "CONFIDENCE for women at work," and the very popular E-book "How to be a brilliant master of ceremonies." Please order in our online book and CD store - we have a secure server: click here.
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Please note, material in this newsletter is copyrighted and remains the intellectual property of RachelGreen.Com Pty Ltd.
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Disclaimer: The information in this magazine is of a general nature and may not suit everyone or every situation. While every care has been taken to ensure it is useful and appropriate, no responsibility can be taken for the results gained from its implementation.
Please seek individual professional guidance for any difficulties you may have with your confidence, relationships, conversations, health, work, assertiveness skills, communication or emotions. Thank you.
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