Nearly every time I see one of my friends she exclaims with great disgust and passion about my hair, "Rachel when are you going to dye your hair? You have grey hair. You look your age."
"Good it gives me credibility," I reply. She starts all over again - "Think how much younger you'd look if you put some colour back in your hair." "But why do I want to look younger - I am happy looking my age? After all I work with people the same age as me or older - why would I want to look younger?" And on we go ... until the next time, when she'll start all over again! Her comments reflect an invasive concern of our society - that we should hide our ageing bodies. If you don't feel comfortable with getting older or how your body looks read on ...
In addition to my friends comments, what's also been bothering me recently is the increasing number of advertisements in the media for plastic surgery. Come and get your lips thickened, your wrinkles removed, your buttocks tightened - the advertisements say - for goodness sake why?? The suggestion is that this is what will bring you happiness, success and confidence. Is that really the only road to happiness? Surely not. I can understand if you have a medical deformity but not if you look ordinary like the rest of us. We have little or no control over our finger nails growing, our wrinkles increasing or the size of our lips - so why fight it?
Which would you rather be - a plastic empty caricature of a pretty person or a real person who radiates charisma, presence and serenity from the inside out?
One of the many advantages of being in "Midlife" is that it can bring a far greater wisdom about our bodies. For many of us in our twenties and thirties much of our focus is on the external aspects of our lives and expecting that to bring us happiness. Whether it's with the outward appearance of our bodies, with our external possessions or the status gained from the jobs we have - we may think happiness is external to us. Now I'm in my forties, I'm understanding that happiness is something we find inside ourselves.
Another example - a friend and I were talking about make-up. Whenever she goes out she covers her skin in a lot of make-up and I was curious about this. She said to me, "It's OK for you Rachel you have such beautiful skin ... mine is horrible." I looked at her in astonishment. She is one of the bonniest women I know and her skin looks lovely (to me). She also has fewer wrinkles than me - I have lots of laughter lines!
Now it's not just a women's thing. I have seen blokes desperately trying to cover up their bald patches. They grow a piece of hair very long and then put a parting low down in their hair so they can sweep their long bit over the bald patch ... and then spend the day worried in case it becomes dislodged. It is hard work. Baldness can be beautiful. Baldness can be sexy?!
Whatever our age there are more to do than worry about how to stop ourselves getting or looking older. This particularly applies to Midlife - a time when hair may thin or turn grey, wrinkles increase and fat spreads! It's not that I want us all to look daggy - it's just that at midlife there is a whole re-evaluation of our life goals to be accomplished. There are important questions to answer such as, "How do I want to spend the second half of my life?" There are vital practical and social issues to consider such as, "How can I give my ageing parents what they need and deserve as they come to the end of their lives without harming my own emotional, physical and family health?" There is a journey of inner contentment to pursue and spiritual questions to ask such as, "Who am I really?", "What is my purpose in life?" and "Am I connected to anything greater?"
The answers to these questions are fundamentally different in midlife from the answers we may have given to similar questions in our teens. Now mortality and a shortage of remaining years seem more apparent whereas in our teens and twenties we probably thought we were invincible.
So how are you going to spend your remaining years? Are you going to go around trying all the latest fads to "correct" a beautifully ageing body or can you age gracefully and work to make yourself beautiful from the inside out!? Or can you do both - but without plastic surgery?? Please!
If you're over 40 and are facing some of the confusions of midlife, grappling with an ageing body, or you'd like to listen to the stories of other people at Midlife ... Rachel's book on Midlife and Happiness, http://www.rachelgreen.com/products_midlife.html may be just the reading material that you or your over 40's friends' need.
Check out the links on our website, there are at least 4 new ones devoted entirely to midlife, including a midlife agony column, books on men and women in midlife crisis, cross cultural data on ageing, and for men, a test to see whether you're suffering from the male menopause.
Also, there are some new tips on the website: Ten Tips For Coping With Midlife
Final Tip
Part of travelling through midlife is being able to ask the right questions before you can find the answers! One of the questions to ask is - "How can I be satisfied and find contentment, irrespective of the condition of my body?" Let me know what your answer is to that - whatever your age!
Happy and beautiful ageing - I'm just going to attend to the silver streaks I paid a fortune to have put in my hair!
Rachel
