Many of us have to communicate with people who are angry, complaining or irritated, whether over the phone or face to face. They may be our partners, our clients, customers, neighbours, teenagers, friends, parents or colleagues - many people get angry at some time. So how can you cope competently and confidently without you getting too hot under the collar in the process and while also impressing the other person? Here are 7 tips for you to try ...
Tip One
Your attitude makes a huge difference. When people are complaining to you, what do you say in your head about them? Do you think, "For goodness sake get real", "What a loser", "I don't get paid enough to deal with this kind of rubbish", or "Who do you think you are - no one is going to speak to me like that?" Whatever you think, your thoughts influence both how you respond to the person and how stressed you get. If you think like this it tells me that they've got to you and you're going to find it difficult to turn them around. If you think like this it is less likely that you will finish your interactions with angry people feeling good about yourself. You might feel superior but not happy.
Maintain a positive attitude.
A positive attitude can help you and the angry person. Instead of the negative thoughts, you might say something positive to yourself, such as, "I can help", or "I have the information to help this person". Alternatively you may focus on the satisfaction you'll gain from turning him/her around and think something like, "You don't know who you're up against - I'll have you eating out of my hand before you even know it!" After all, customers who've been dealt with superbly when they've been really angry are more likely to write thank you letters afterwards than people with simple enquiries who've had their requests dealt with routinely. Turn your complaints into compliments.
If you find it hard to be positive when people are trying to put you down you might benefit from coming to our, "How not to take things personally" or getting hold of the "How not to take things personally CD set. These will help you stop taking hurtful comments to heart so you can keep your cool and deal calmly with emotional situations instead of feeling bitter, hurt or resentful. After all why give people the privilege of getting to you and disturbing your happiness? Leave the anger with them, it's theirs not yours.
Tip Two
Monitor your voice and sound relaxed and pleasant.
It is possible to antagonise angry people further by the tone of voice you use. If you sound sharp in your voice, sarcastic or tight they will pick up on that and react more strongly. Don't let them know they have got to you. Monitor your voice and make sure it sounds as calm and relaxed as it would with someone who is being friendly and nice to you. Having a positive attitude will help your voice stay friendly.
Tip Three
People who are upset about something may feel angry, frustrated, bitter, exasperated, walked-all-over, neglected, embarrassed, powerless, taken for granted, let down, resentful, anxious, or any of a number of other emotions.
Allow them to vent their emotions without interruption.
You may want to interrupt people who are complaining by defending yourself or putting the person right. Resist the temptation to interrupt them before they have reached the end of their verbal barrage. Just because you think they've got it wrong and you have got it right - wait. Just because you think it is a small, simple, problem which is easy to fix and you can't see what all the fuss is about - wait. Just because you think they haven't got all the facts and you have - wait. Wait until they've finished. Let them get it off their chests first. If you interrupt them mid-stream they may become angrier or start all over again. Neither response is desirable.
Tip Four
Listen all the way through.
It's not easy. It means you need to be able to attend to what they're saying all the way through no matter what. Being attentive is a skill highly underestimated by most people. Being attentive means that we don't drift off into our own thoughts, judgements or ideas. Being attentive means that we stay with what is being said instead of forming an answer in our heads while people are still speaking. Being attentive means that we are aware of what we're doing, so that if we do get distracted we can bring ourselves back to what is being said quickly. Being attentive takes practice.
Whenever we practise attending in our communication courses people express surprise at how hard it is and how much they'd taken it for granted as a skill. Taking the time to practise attending can bring positive results.
If you listen all the way through to people who are upset you will have more chance of understanding exactly what is bothering them. Often people who complain come in with the key point at the end. Don't miss it. The earlier parts of a complaint are sometimes only the minor aspects and these lead into what is really bothering them. If you think you have the solution half way through you may be solving the wrong problem.
Tip Five
Demonstrate that you understand.
A big complaint about organisations, partners or even parents is that they don't listen. Many of us are trained to look for facts, to sort out technical problems or to find solutions to fix things. Sometimes what matters most to people who are upset is that someone listens and understands. Some people go so far as only wanting to know that they've been understood and don't want a solution to be found at all. Listening and being able to demonstrate that we have understood may go a long way in healing relationships, calming irate customers and helping us to know how best we can help. Instead of saying, "I understand what you are saying", or trying to pacify people, "It's OK there's nothing to worry about", feedback in your own words what you've understood the main issues and feelings are.
Tip Six
Don't treat everyone the same way. What bothers one person may not bother another. The same problem may have occurred for two different people and their concerns about it may be expressed quite differently. Two people complaining about the same thing may want two different results. Ask people what they want. Do not assume that everyone wants the same thing.
Different types of personalities complain about different things in different ways. For example an Introvert may complain that you've been too domineering and pushy, the Extravert may complain that you've kept information from them and didn't give them a chance to talk things through. The more you know about these differences the easier it can be to deal calmly and competently with complaints and turn the complaints into compliments. If you want to know more about this so that you can refine your complaint procedures and excel in dealing with different types of angry people come along to the "Understanding Yourself, Managing others" course.
I have been doing a lot of in-house training in the area of telephone skills and managing difficult people recently, so I hope to be able to offer two new public courses on "Dealing with difficult phone calls" and "Superior telephone skills" within the next few months - probably in September or October 2000. If you want to be sure you know the dates as soon as they become available send us an E-mail to and we will personally let you know. Jon and I are also available to train you and your staff in-house in superior telephone skills and handling difficult calls or complaints.
Course bookings can be made directly through the website:
via E-mail:
phone (+61 8) 9390 1188 fax (+61 8) 9390 1199
Tip Seven
Have you ever been upset by anything, whether it's a meal at a restaurant, being kept waiting, or being charged extra fees you weren't expecting? All of us get upset by a variety of things and often it's the small things that get to us. It's usually the extra $1.00 we're charged for a bread roll in a restaurant rather than the main meal price; it's the look on someone's face while they speak to us not what they're saying; it's the fact that the traffic lights turn red when we're late for work. We get angry. We're normal people. Normal people get angry. If you're dealing with angry customers or colleagues, avoid labelling them as "nasty" people and remember they're just "normal people who are angry". Thinking like this can help us not get upset too.
Enjoy turning angry people around!
If you have other tips for dealing with angry people or complaints, please send them in. We'll have further newsletters on the topic and I'll include your tips in them with full credit to you. I'll give a prize to the best set of tips or the best story as to how you turned a complaint into a compliment - a free copy of the Becoming A Skilled Communicator CD sets, valued at $55 Aust. This prize is only available to Reflections readers. I look forward to hearing from you.
Stay calm!
Rachel
