CONFIDENCE 4 U

CONFIDENCE 4 U is a FREE fortnightly E-magazine that shows you how to build your confidence, boost your communication skills and polish your emotional intelligence.

Whether it is meeting or managing people, public speaking, going for job interviews or managing your emotions, it will help you be confident, and be your best.

You can receive CONFIDENCE 4 U free by e-mail, subscribe here, now.

11-Jun-2009, Number 240: Communication Confidence: Stop saying "I guess".

Time and again I hear both men and women undermining what they say. Instead of having communication confidence, they sound hesitant and unsure of themselves. This can happen even when they do know what they are saying.

Sounding confident when you communicate matters, whether it is in meetings, job or media interviews, or in talking to your in-laws.

There are some very simple steps you can take to develop communication confidence. Watching what you say is a key step in this. There are certain words and phrases to avoid and others to include. What are these? Read on to the tips section to find out, and to get your practical tips on how to sound confident when you talk to people.

26-May-2009, Number 239: Why conflict avoidance is bad for you.

If I had received $5.00 for every time I've heard,"But I don't like conflict", I'd be a rich woman! Conflict avoidance seems to be very prevalent. However, conflict avoidance isn't necessarily good for you. Nor does conflict avoidance always give you what you want. In fact it may give you the opposite.

Why is conflict avoidance bad for you? Read on to the tips section to find out how avoiding conflict can harm your relationships, your health and your happiness. You'll also find three avoidance of conflict examples.

12-May-2009, Number 238: How to give the best ten minute speech or presentation

Making a speech is now a requirement for staff, managers and executives in many workplaces. Often the speech involves giving a very short presentation at a conference, meeting or staff training day.

However, giving a short speech for say, ten, fifteen or twenty minutes is not easy. It is an art form in itself and many people make a mess of it.

So, how do you give a ten minute speech and make it the best speech you've ever given? How do you give a short speech and manage to fit in everything you think is needed? How do you not bore or overwhelm your audience yet still make it an informative speech? How do you make it a persuasive speech? Read on to the tips section to find out.

24-Mar-2009, Number 236: How not to get anxious

I was driving to the hairdresser last week, quite content that all was well. When I arrived I discovered my wallet was missing. What was I to do? Go into a panic? Stress about it all day? Cancel the rest of my day and drive the hour back home again? No, I decided to wait and do nothing and have no anxiety. How can this be possible?

Read on to the tips section to get your practical tips on how not to get anxious.

10-Mar-2009, Number 235: Encouragement builds relationships at work and home

I have recently left a job I've been doing for a while. During my time there I wasn't sure how well I was performing but worked hard, monitored myself and coped well with difficult conditions. The people I was working with let me know when they were unhappy with what I was doing and pointed out improvements that needed to be made. This was helpful. However, it was only after I resigned that I received positive feedback and encouragement for the work I had been doing. Read on to the tips section to get your practical tips on how provide encouragement and express appreciation for people and all that you value in them.

24-Feb-2009, Number 234: Staying open to your opportunities - big or small

I changed last year. I decided to stay more open to slight opportunities. I have had wonderful things happen as a result, things that I would never have planned for or expected.

Do you make the most of your opportunities? Do you close down to new ideas or events without even realising it? Do you miss information and ideas that arrive in your life because you're not doing any opportunity checking? If so, you might be missing out on making your life even better.

Making the most of every opportunity has never been as important as it is now in an environment of economic tightening. Read on to the tips section to get your practical tips on how to make sure you stay open to all opportunities.

11-Feb-2009, Number 233: Dealing with passive aggressive communication - without feeing helpless

Have you ever noticed that difficult people can really get under your skin and irritate you? Then when you try to analyse exactly what happened you have trouble putting your finger on it. After a while you go over in your mind what was said and there was something sly about the way it was delivered, or you're sure something negative has been implied but it's not been directly spoken. This is the communication of passive aggression. And this can leave people feeling helpless unless they know what to do next. Read on to the tips section to get your practical tips on how to respond to people who communicate like this.

18-Dec-2008, Number 232: How to create your own self confidence and happiness

Happy Christmas. I hope that your days will be filled with happiness and confidence. If you wish for something, don't wait for others to make it happen, you can be in control and direct yourself to achieving your dreams. If you want to be happy this Christmas, don't think that a present from someone else will be the answer. Happiness is already inside you and yours for the taking. We create our own happiness.

Read on to the 12 short tips on how to create your own self confidence and happiness. Practise a tip a day over the new year and Xmas break and get 2009 off to a great start.

03-Dec-2008, Number 231: How not to get upset by your family and staff this Christmas

Christmas is a time when families, relatives, friends, neighbours, bosses, staff and clients all meet for social activities. It is a time that we are "meant" to be happy, generous, loving, kind and content. However, my experience is that Christmas can be a point of high stress and conflict for many people. Read on to the tips section to get your practical tips on how not to get upset with your relatives, clients, friends or staff this Christmas.

19-Nov-2008, Number 230: How to manage your sweating and anxiety when public speaking

Ever felt nervous, anxious or in a blind panic at the start of a speech or presentation? Do you drip with sweat because of it? Maybe this puts you off speaking altogether? It needn't. There are ways to manage the sweating, blushing and nerves so that you can still give a good speech or presentation.

The good news is many people can manage the side effects of stage fright and public speaking anxiety without resorting to drugs, medications or alcohol. Go to the tips section to find out what to do.

05-Nov-2008, Number 229: How to approach and break into a group at a party or networking function

Christmas is a big social event for many people and most of us get invited to a round of work functions, social activities and Christmas parties. But meeting people at these events isn't always easy, especially if they are new people. In fact, you may well have asked yourself, "How do I introduce myself?" or "How can I break into groups of strangers?" If so, this newsletter is for you - as it will be devoted to letting you know how to break into groups, introduce yourself and start conversations. Read on to the tips section to find out how to successfully do this.

22-Oct-2008, Number 228: Solutions to the problems that people might cause you at work

I was on a trip in the South West recently when a woman came up to me, nearly in tears, telling me how she was worn down from working with someone who was nasty to her. Does the workplace seem to be getting more toxic or is it just that we speak out more against difficult people now? Anyway, it got me thinking about the negative things people do at work and the signs you need to look out for, so you can protect yourself against them. Read on to the tips section to discover some of the political and personal strategies people might use to undermine or intimidate you, and ways you might handle them.

17-Sep-2008, Number 227: How to use mentors to build your self confidence

The people you surround yourself with matter. The people you look up to, talk to and identify with can lead you to a positive life direction or a negative one. They can help you advance your potential or encourage you to stay stuck where you are.

Who do you look up to for inspiration? What types of people do you surround yourself with? What role models help you build your self-esteem and confidence?

Who makes a suitable mentor? Read on to the tips section to find out.

02-Sep-2008, Number 226: Why it's important to be an interesting public speaker - and how to be one!

By speaking well in public we can gain credibility, become known and markedly increase our networks. People will respect and admire us for doing well and remember us. Now more than ever before we are expected to be able to give presentations in our jobs. There are also many occasions when we may be asked to speak in social situations, whether at a wedding or birthday, or at the local church, youth group, sporting club, or community meeting.

A foundation skill for public speaking is the ability to be interesting, engage an audience and maintain their interest. How can you do this? Read on to the tips section to find out.

15-Aug-2008, Number 225: How to say "No!" nicely and protect yourself

How many times have you been asked to do something, and said "Yes" when you really wanted to say "No"? Have you ever felt manipulated into agreeing to do something by your children, mother or boss? Or maybe you have found yourself agreeing to do something only because you felt guilty, or because you didn't want to hurt someone else's feelings?

I know many of us fall into these traps. It can result in our being overworked, stressed and feeling resentful or unhappy. In order to stand up for ourselves, stay healthy and gain respect we need to be able to say, "No!" nicely and stick to it. This is not about being rude, uncaring or aggressive, it's about looking after ourselves and our health; and having a quality life with happiness.

How can we say "no" nicely? Read on to the tips section to find out.

29-Jul-2008, Number 224: How to write and give a birthday speech (and find happiness on the way!)

I am giving a speech at a 21st birthday party tonight, so I thought I could take this opportunity to give some tips on writing birthday speeches - no matter what the age is. However, if you are thinking, "I'll never have to give a birthday speech" - please do read on because the tips will also help with other types of speeches and presentations too. Still not interested? Well what about happiness? Maybe you are interested in that? If so, the whole point of celebrating a birthday is to be happy, so you'll get some bonus tips on happiness too. Read on to the tips section to see what I mean.

17-Jul-2008, Number 223: How to successfully host a work social function

I have recently been to two evening work functions. One was a highly successful networking event and product launch. The other was a cocktail party that I found, as a guest, distinctly uncomfortable. The differences between the two highlighted some of the essential steps needed to host a successful work function so that guests get the most out of them. How can you be a top rate host or hostess? Read on to the tips section to find out.

02-Jul-2008, Number 222: Stress relief strategies for busy people

Life can get very busy, can't it? Our responsibilities seem to increase and not decrease. Given the high demands on our energy and time, the need to meet so many expectations and our attempts to keep-up, we can be left feeling stressed, exhausted and frazzled.

How can we be busy and handle all the demands and responsibilities and yet stay happy and healthy? How can we stop the stress from mounting and gain relief from the pressure? Read on to the tips section to find instant stress relief.

16-Jun-2008, Number 221: Presentation skills: How to capture and maintain the attention of your audience

I've recently had the opportunity to be in the audience during several presentations, whilst waiting to give my own. It's been an interesting experience and has highlighted various ways that presenters can connect with, impress and capture the attention of their audience.

Read on to the tips section to get some top tips on making your audience sit up and take notice.

27-May-2008, Number 220: Four easy ways to develop your emotional intelligence (EI)

We all have emotions. Every human feels whether it's sadness, loneliness, happiness, resentment, frustration, anger, contentment or complacency.

We also all have varying levels of emotional intelligence; in other words we vary in how skilled we are in our awareness, expression and management of such emotions in ourselves and others.

Why does our emotional intelligence matter? Because emotions influence how we behave. Emotional Intelligence can make the difference between your success and failure in relationships; it can affect your ability to cope with changes in your life; and to how well you succeed at work. So how can you boost your emotional intelligence? Read on to the tips section to find out.

13-May-2008, Number 219: Assertive communication skills in meetings

Assertive communication skills are an essential set of skills to have in order to succeed at work. But what do I mean by assertiveness and why do you need it? The important aspect of being assertive is the amount of RESPECT that is involved. Being assertive means that you stand up for your view-points, needs and ideas while respecting yourself and respecting others. The important point I want to make is that there is a difference between being assertive and being aggressive, and that many people confuse the two; and in their attempts to be assertive they can become aggressive. For more ideas on how to be assertive at meetings read on to the tips section.

27-Apr-2008, Number 218: How to have more love and happiness in your relationship or marriage

Living together isn't as easy as all the romantic novels and fairy tale stories would have us believe, is it? We all know, only too well, that not everyone lives happily ever after. Yet couples can live together for a long time AND BE HAPPY. Even when they are different. You just need to know what to do. Read on to the tips section to get some top tips on relationships and marriage.

15-Apr-2008, Number 217: How to keep things in perspective and stay confident

Have you ever worried about small things, got things out of perspective or stewed on something? Many of us blow things up out of proportion, or go over and over things so we can’t sleep, or get anxious over small things. When we do this our confidence can lower, our stress and anxiety rise and our relationships suffer. In contrast when we keep things in perspective we can be more confident, healthier and happier; keep our energy up; and get on more easily with people. Keeping things in perspective is worth working on and can be a sign of an emotionally intelligent person. How can we keep things in perspective? Read on to the tips section to find out.

11-Mar-2008, Number 216: Handling the pressure of life and maintaining your work life balance.

Have you noticed that despite all the advances in technology that were meant to bring more rest and relaxation into our lives, we are all busier than ever? People are so busy that some feel as though they’re in a permanent pressure cooker just trying to keep up. Everything seems to be expected of us instantly, there seems ever more knowledge to gain, there is mortgage stress, staff shortages, fly-in fly-out jet-stream jobs, children having problems, mobile phones finding us everywhere ... the list of potential pressures seems endless and there seems no way to take a break. Things aren’t always as they seem, though, and breaks are possible. As pressure mounts, this is the time to look after yourself. Do not just survive - thrive. But how? Read on to the tips section to find out.

26-Feb-2008, Number 215: The key steps for successful networking and conversations

Many of our new readers have said that chatting to people and networking, particularly to strangers, can be difficult for them. They run out of things to say, don't know how to start a conversation or get stuck with someone boring from whom they find it hard to exit. This fortnight, therefore, the newsletter is devoted to how to network and talk to people confidently and effectively, whether face-to-face, over the phone or via the internet. Read on to the tips section to find out more.

12-Feb-2008, Number 214: How to manage anxiety and nervousness - an emotionally intelligent approach

Many people experience anxiety and nervousness, not just generally, but in specific work situations. It may be when you are going for a job interview, speaking in public, meeting strangers in a networking event or talking to more senior people.

Anxiety and nervousness to most of us, are very unsettling and can destroy our skills and communication. It's almost as if the anxiety takes us over. So how can we manage it in an emotionally intelligent way so we reduce the severity of it and it doesn't affect us so badly? Read onto the tips section to find out.

29-Jan-2008, Number 213: How to work with negative people, (without getting angry).

It is clear that a significant number of you want help in handling difficult personalities at work, managing negative people in meetings and dealing with people who try to undermine you. Therefore, I am going to put a series of magazines together on these topics, starting with this edition. I know how hard it is not to let the negativity stick. Please read on to the tips section, to find out how to work with negative people without getting angry.

15-Jan-2008, Number 212: How not to be afraid of public speaking

During early January I have been working on our next CD set on overcoming stage fright and gaining confidence in public speaking - and writing down lots of the tips. So I thought we'd begin the year by kicking the fear of public speaking out of the back door. Then you can relax for the rest of the year if you have to give a presentation. Read on to the tips section to find out how not to be afraid of public speaking.

18-Dec-2007, Number 211: How to stop feeling inadequate. Let happiness rule in 2008!

Have you noticed how many advertisements set out to make us feel inadequate? They suggest that the items they are selling, whether it be homes, shavers, cars or shoes will improve us. This presumes, therefore, that we need improving. This is not the case. We are already adequate. Usually, what needs improving is our confidence. The confidence to trust ourselves, to believe in our own beauty and to know that we are worthwhile. Advertisements are wearing our confidence away. The result of this is that we shop more, we become more worried about our appearance, and we get ourselves into debt in our search to feel good about ourselves.

Read on to the tips section to find out how to feel confident and good about yourself this Christmas and New Year, without spending any money.

04-Dec-2007, Number 210: How to make easy conversations at Christmas

Christmas is a time for conversations. Conversations with people whom you've never met before, or you only see once a year, or with those you live with. Yet we don't always find conversations easy. So how do you talk easily with people and make sure your conversations are interesting. How do you pass the time of day with people without it being boring? Read on to the tips section to find out.

20-Nov-2007, Number 209: How to stay confident when things go wrong

When things go wrong it can be very hard to see anything but the bleak darkness of difficulty. However, it was clear from the women I interviewed on our new CD set on "Confidence for women in social situations" that when things go wrong there are very practical steps you can take to build your confidence and overcome a loss of confidence. Read on to the tips section to find out what to do.

06-Nov-2007, Number 209: The body language of confidence

Confidence is a skill that you can learn. Adopting the body language of confidence, until it becomes automatic and natural can be part of this. If you look and appear confident to others they will treat you as if you are confident. You will also have more credibility if you appear confident when you speak. This can be beneficial in meetings, when public speaking or at home when telling your children off!

Let's consider five features of confident body language. Check to see if you are already using them. If not, adopting them may make a big difference to how you come across and help reduce a lack of confidence.

23-Oct-2007, Number 208: Emotions: How to handle them

Being able to handle your emotions in a mature way is a critical part of your emotional IQ. However, this is not the only reason that it is important. In addition, how you react to your emotions or feelings influences everyone around you. If you have children for instance, they watch to see what you do when you feel anxious, angry or sad and they learn from you. How we handle our emotions also influences our colleagues, our partners and our neighbours.

Let's look therefore at drug-free ways to handle our emotions so we can give our emotional IQs a boost and help society at the same time!

09-Oct-2007, Number 207: How to remember names

Ever forgotten someone's name? It can be so embarrassing, can't it? Here are some great ideas to help you remember names in future.

27-Sep-2007, Number 206: Having the confidence to not give into peer pressure

Have you ever felt peer or family pressure to behave in a certain way even though it isn't what you want to do or think is best? Maybe you have experienced negativity because you have done something that other people don't approve of even though it is right for you. Or maybe you have opinions on subjects that others don't agree with. How do you react?

Being able to stand up to the pressure to conform can require clarity and confidence. It is not always easy to do nor easy to do well.

How can you resist the pressure to conform when you don't think it is right for you ... (without getting into too much trouble!)? Read on to the tips section to find out.

11-Sep-2007, Number 205: How to build better business relationships with clients and customers

Do you have clients, customers or patients that you deal with? What kind of relationships do you have with them? How much importance do you place on building the relationships?

Building client relationships is important. Having a strong relationship increases your ability to build trust with your clients. Clients are more likely to want to do business with people they trust and relate to. They are more likely to listen to the advice given by someone they trust. It is also usually easier to manage any problems that may occur. Research shows that professionals who have a strong relationship based on clear communication are less likely to be sued when things go wrong than those who have failed to communicate clearly with clients. Finally, of course, people are more likely to buy from people they trust and thus by paying attention to your business relationships your sales may increase.

So how can you build good business relationships? Read on to the tips section to find out.

28-Aug-2007, Number 204: Confidence when meeting new people

Life is full of people - some known to you and some new. The new person may be someone you meet at a friend's dinner or a new client or colleague at work. Alternatively, it may not just be one new person you meet, it may be many, for example, when you attend a seminar, a wedding, a parents' night or a networking function.

For many people meeting new people is difficult. What do you say when you meet a new person? How can you have the confidence to introduce yourself? How can you encourage a stranger to feel comfortable talking to you? Read on to the tips section to find out.

14-Aug-2007, Number 203: How not to give boring speeches and presentations.

No matter how dry, detailed or technical your speech or presentation is there are some fundamental principles and strategies you can follow to make your presentations interesting.

If you know in advance that your presentation is interesting then your confidence is likely to grow. Also, once you can deliver an interesting presentation your audience is going to give you positive feedback which will in turn help you become a more confident public speaker.

How can you make your presentations interesting? Read on to the tips section to find out.

25-Jul-2007, Number 202: Don't let self-doubt steal your confidence

Self-doubt is the thief that steals your confidence.

Self-doubt is the fuel for low self-esteem. Just as when you put petrol on a fire, the fire burns; when you pour self-doubt on your confidence your low self-esteems flares up and becomes worse.

What do I mean by self-doubt? I mean all those negative things we say to ourselves that tell us we are not good enough or which suggest we don't deserve better, or that we are stupid, ugly, or unlovable. All these nagging thoughts and worries we have undermine our self-esteem and confidence.

How can we dump the doubts and create more confidence? Read on to the tips section to find out.

03-Jul-2007, Number 201: Five ways to feel easy with silence

I remember a male manager I used to have: I'd take a report in to him and he would sit in silence in response. I'd ask a question and he'd barely respond. In the end, the less he said the more I spoke. I was so uncomfortable with the silence that I'd fill it, until I ended up looking like a blabbering bimbo! It was only after this experience that I realised there was another way. I could learn to match and be easy with his silence. I discovered that when I did this and I became quiet, he spoke far more to me. I no longer sounded stupid, and I gained his respect.

What do you do when there is silence? Talk or stay quiet? How comfortable are you in a very quiet place? Do you break the silence or stay calm? If there is silence after you've said something, what do you do? Do you blurt and blab or stay quiet and confident?

How you are in silence matters. Silence is a very important component of communication. It is also a significant self-discovery tool.

You have the right to remain silent but do you have the skill? Read on to the tips section to find out how you can feel more at ease with silence and how to manage discomfort well.

19-Jun-2007, Number 200 - OUR 200th BIRTHDAY ISSUE: Don't wait for it to be perfect - do it now.

For the second time, in less than twelve months, I have been to the funeral of a friend who has died from breast cancer. When the e-mail came through to say she had died, I was filled with remorse. Why?

Because I had failed to see her in the weeks and even months before she died. Oh yes! I had wondered often about how she was doing, and I'd thought often about visiting her, but somehow the time never seemed quite right.

I have now learnt to stop waiting for "it" to be perfect before doing something. This has made a huge difference to me. I use my time quite differently now, thanks to her. Read on to the tips section to find out how you can be inspired to do what you need to do now, without needing a death to kick you into action.

08-Jun-2007, Number 199: Five ways to be a brilliant master of ceremonies or speaker.

Have you ever been invited to compere the work seminar, a conference or maybe even your friend's wedding and turned white at the thought? It's a tough job being a master of ceremonies. Simply standing in front of an audience can turn some people to pulp even without the extra responsibilities of having to manage the program of a conference, or get other speakers on and off the stage, or do all the toasts at a wedding. But there is hope, even if you are anxious once you know exactly what to do the terror can ease.

The master of ceremonies is a very important person. He or she can make the difference between a dull event and a wonderful one. Similarly, a rushed, nervous or boring presenter can make an audience passive, whilst a relaxed, well-paced and interesting one can excite the audience. If you have any problems with your public speaking or being a master of ceremonies read on to the tips section to find out ways to overcome your performance anxiety, win your audience over and be brilliant.

24-May-2007, Number 198: Six ways to manage guilt well

Do you ever feel guilty? Most of us do, but some of us more than others. Some women I have worked with, in my emotional intelligence courses, can even manage to feel guilty about not feeling guilty!

Guilt can leave us feeling bad about ourselves, even when we've done nothing bad. If you feel guilty what do you do because of it? Does it make you behave in a particular way? Guilt does not always mean we have done anything wrong. Guilt does not necessarily mean we are about to be punished or commit a crime. Sometimes guilt arises because we’ve been manipulated. Sometimes it is there because we were trained to feel guilty as a child. Sometimes the guilt is simply there through habit. So what can we do when we feel guilty? Read on to the tips section to find out.

15-May-2007, Number 197: How to be taken seriously and gain respect.

Do you get the respect you deserve? Do people take you seriously enough? Are you listened to? If not and you’d like to come across more confidently and clearly and gain more respect, especially at meetings, please read on to the tips section.

27-Apr-2007, Number 196: How not to get upset with difficult people

How often have you been irritated by other people? Do you ever get upset when people say negative comments to you? Do you want to fight back when people complain or get angry? If so, you may be doing yourself no good at all. When you get irritated notice what it does to your body. Does your breathing alter? Does your blood pressure rise? Do you feel an increase in tension? Does your sleep get disturbed? Yes! There are health consequences from getting irritated and upset. And it can also stop you from thinking clearly, result in your saying things you might later regret, or contribute to your escalating a conflict. So, why bother to get upset? Let's learn from the people who seem to let it all wash over them. If they can stay calm without being upset so can we. How can we do this? Read on to the tips section to find out.

16-Mar-2007, Number 195: Overcoming the fear of public speaking.

It is well known that many people get frightened and anxious when they have to stand up and speak in public. Some get anxious simply speaking out at a meeting. I believe that confidence is a set of skills that can be learnt. That most of us practise being nervous and destroy our confidence. There are in fact quite specific activities that can be done to overcome the fear of public speaking. Read on to the tips section to find out what some of them are.

01-Mar-2007, Number 194: Wake up your social skills

Our lives involve people. It is almost impossible not to meet people every day, people you know well, people who are acquaintances and men and women who are complete strangers. How you relate to these people can have a big impact on your daily life. Do you greet and meet in a way that leaves both of you feeling good, or do you leave with a sense of unease or awkwardness or even downright irritation and anger? The impact of a simple casual meeting can alter your mood for the day. So how can you interact with people and do it well? Read on to the tips section to find out.

12-Feb-2007, Number 193: How not to be tired

People are tired. Many people. The number of people doing a Google search each month on just the word "tired" is in the thousands and thousands. There are an equal number searching on the word "fatigue". Why are so many people so tired? The sheer pace of change, high workloads, the availability of endless social activities, the pressure to take the children here, there and everywhere, the free availability of junk food, the difficulties in saying "No" to demands, – the list of factors contributing to a loss of energy is enormous. Yet having energy can make such a big difference in our lives. So how can you have more energy? Read on to the tips section to find out.

18-Dec-2006, Number 192: How to be happy every day, not just at Christmas.

Happy Christmas – may your heart sing with joy as you celebrate. But why only be happy at Christmas? Let's make every day a happy one. As you approach 2007 choose to be happy – really happy – consistently happy – even when things go wrong. Happiness matters – people who are happy are healthier, live longer and are more successful. At work they are also more satisfied with their jobs, are more productive and have fewer conflicts. Happiness matters at work. So how can you be happier? Read on to the tips section to find out.

05-Dec-2006, Number 191: How to make interesting conversations this Christmas

Christmas is meant to be a time of celebration, joy and generosity. Yet, it seems to have degenerated into a time of boring Christmas functions, crass commercialism and stress for many people. With the ever increasing rounds of Christmas parties, client functions and staff get-togethers it is very easy to get burnt out and bored even before Christmas day arrives. So how can you enjoy these socials and the conversations that are involved? Read on to the tips section to find out.

20-Nov-2006, Number 190: How to avoid getting irritated and stressed

I wonder how often you have been irritated by someone and then said something that didn't help the situation or that you later regretted? Or have you ever become upset with someone or something and found it stayed with you throughout the day or added to your stress levels? Wouldn't it be nice to stay calm instead? Irritation is not good for you. Irritation can contribute to health problems such as high blood pressure and headaches and can wear away at your happiness. So what is the alternative? Staying peaceful and calm. Not letting people get to you - so if you are content in the morning you are still content at night. How can you stay calm? Read on to the tips section to find out.

27-Oct-2006, Number 189: You're not listening to me

Developing good listening skills is seldom given the same focus in our society as developing good speaking skills, and yet listening is a vital part of communication and is 50 percent of it. How often do you listen to people fully? Can you listen fully to people with different points of view without putting their points down or disagreeing? Do you think you are listening when really you aren't? Listening fully and accurately helps build trust between people. How well do you listen? Read on to the tips section to find out how to listen well. It does matter.

29-Aug-2006, Number 188: Confidence - How to ooze with it.

The commonest aspect of self-development for which I get asked for help is confidence. Being confident sure beats feeling intimidated, overwhelmed or nervous, doesn't it? For tips on how to become more confident, including when you speak in public, read on to the "Tips" section.

09-Aug-2006, Number 187: Men do have feelings

I was running an emotional intelligence course recently when one of the men who had come along said, with a touch of cynical dismissal, “So you’re wanting us to get in touch with our feminine side, are you?” I replied, “No, it’s nothing to do with that, men do have feelings.” He stayed quiet, while a woman a few seats away exclaimed, “You could have fooled me!” There was laughter in the group, however it fell to silence when I said, “If you look around the world at the moment there is a lot of conflict. It is fuelled by hate and anger. Hate and anger are feelings. Men and women both have these feelings, they are fuelling the war in Lebanon. How can you not think that men have feelings? They do have feelings. Women have feelings. We all have feelings. What we don’t necessarily have is the skill to acknowledge their importance to us, to identify them correctly or to respond with intelligence to them.” Imagine if we were as good at managing our feelings and behaviour as we are in developing technology. How do you develop your emotional intelligence? Read on to the tips section to find out.

28-Jun-2006, Number 186: Default assumptions can ruin communication

I have been sighing recently! Why? Because of the comments and questions I get which show that people automatically make assumptions about others, including me, that are incorrect. These default assumptions can be an important impediment in our communication with people. We can all speak from ignorance without realising it. And we can cause offence without meaning to and have conflicts in communication. So what are your default assumptions? How would you know? How do you reduce them and their impact? Read on to the tips section to find out.

15-Jun-2006, Number 185: Why being defensive doesn’t help.

When people say something to you, about yourself, or your work, or the organisation you work for, how do you react? Do you listen quietly to what was said and respond calmly having taken in the valuable parts and dumped the rest, or do you get defensive? Sometimes when we get defensive we actually make things harder for ourselves. Not getting defensive can help you to develop relationships at work and at home; to provide superb customer service, work well in a team, and receive feedback easily. So what can you do to ditch defensiveness? Read on to find out.

31-May-2006, Number 184: Handling the pressure of public speaking.

I'm in the process of preparing for a very big event - a multi-cultural, international, big conference. I am compering the whole 2 days. This is going to involve a great deal as, unlike most conferences, there are no concurrent sessions: it's all going on with everyone in the same auditorium all the time. I'm quite excited about it! But working incredibly hard to make sure it all rolls along really, really well. Most people I've spoken to think of standing in front of up to 1,000 people for 2 days, daunting or even terrifying. So how can you handle the pressure of public speaking? It's not that it comes automatically - there are quite specific steps to take to help you. Read on to the tips section to find out what they are.

17-May-2006, Number 183: Top tips on how to stand up for yourself.

Ever had nuisance calls? We get lots of them especially at work. People who think they know what is best for our business and who want to sell us something that they think will "grow my business". I am not interested and have better things to do with my time, and so I get rid of such callers quickly but without being rude. How do I do this? By applying some of the key principles of assertion skills. And the other day they worked so well that a phone company actually put the phone down on me! What did I say? And how can you also stand up for yourself? Read on to the tips section to find out.

03-May-2006, Number 182: Living an inspired life

Does it matter what age you are? Do you let your age limit you in any way? I consider it a privilege to be 53 years old. Some of my friends have died at a younger age and I think every year we have is a gift to be celebrated. Yet so many of us put ourselves down for being "old" or "too young". I've heard 50 year olds say "I'm too old to learn about that now" when they're talking about using the internet. I've heard a woman in her 40s tell me "I can't expect to have energy like I did when I was younger". I know people in their twenties who won't approach older people when they are networking, for example, because they think the other person won't be interested. This is all sad!

People can become stuck in their ways, and limit what they do, not because of physical constraints but because of psychological ones. And yet, why limit your life because of your age? Are you making the most of your life irrespective of your age? I hope so. The tips section contains lots of tips on how to have an inspired life.

22-Mar-2006, Number 180: How to be confident in front of an audience, by Rachel Green.

I've just been reading the descriptions I've been sent by people coming to one of my presentation skills courses. The problems they have with public speaking nearly all boil down to two things: "nerves" and "sounding boring". People are worried that they will go blank, or not be able to answer questions, or get flustered and stutter, and on the list goes. And yet it is possible to reduce all these problems and fears and to be confident in front of a group. How do you do this? Read on to the tips section to find out.

08-Mar-2006, Number 179: How to be happy around grumpy people, by Rachel Green.

I was listening to a fascinating interview on the "Awaye" programme on ABC Rational National recently. It was an interview with Professor Mick Dodson, the former Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Social Justice Commissioner. He was talking about the standards he tries to set for himself in communicating with people and how important it was for him to try and keep his cool and be compassionate. As part of this he said something along the lines of, "Just because someone else is nasty or mean-spirited doesn't mean you have to be. You can still be compassionate and kind." What a wonderful rule to live by. But how do we keep our cool when people are negative, nasty or mean? How can we still be considerate when another person isn't? Read on to the tips section to find out how.

22-Feb-2006, Number 178: How to be happy even when you're ill.

I have recently been spending time with a wonderful woman who has been seriously ill with multiple cancers. Having survived chemotherapy, hospitalisations and many medical treatments she has made great improvement. The improvement however is only temporary. She remains with cancer in her spine and she has been told there is no cure and her life will not last much longer. What is so wonderful about her is that she is one of the calmest and most serene people who's company I've had the privilege of being in. We laugh together, we work together on a joint venture we are planning, and we talk, and through it all you'd not know there was anything wrong. What a contrast she is to most of us. We can be miserable just with a sore throat, or we grumble about our aches or pains, or we feel cheated when our health fails. So how can we still be happy even when we're ill? It's not easy, as for most of us our health is very important and without it we think that happiness isn't possible. Yet this woman, and another friend I have with severe arthritis, have shown me it is possible. Read on to the tips section to find out how.

08-Feb-2006, Number 177: How to be happy when things go wrong, by Rachel Green.

I went to visit a friend while I was on holiday recently. When he saw me arrive he asked me if I had been given the day off work or was I absconding! I said, "Oh I'm on holiday". "How come you are still in Perth then and not travelling?""Because I'm happy being at home", came my answer. At that point he looked at me with total disbelief. "Well you must at least take the phone off the hook?" I shook my head and just smiled at him. I was happy, and I'd spent 2 weeks at home. Bliss. "How come it was bliss?", I thought to myself. I decided it was because I could be happy with small things. In fact I think sometimes our society misleads us into thinking we need high levels of excitement and big things - possessions, parties, occasions, etc. to be happy. And I don't think that this is the case. So where is happiness? And more importantly how can we find it even when things go wrong? Read on to the tips section to find out.

25-Jan-2006, Number 176: How to be happy at work, by Rachel Green.

I received a great gift this Christmas, from Gen: it was a calendar with a saying a day from that calm, kind Tibetan leader, the Dalai Lama. Every morning I look forward to what this great man says. Some mornings his sayings are so deep and profound they pass me right on by. Other days they connect with me and inspire me. As I read them I realise that above all else what he is trying to help us find, is happiness. I have happiness as my main goal in life, and I've realised, deep down, this is really what most of us strive for, although we differ in our levels of success and how we go about it. Consequently, I thought I'd do a whole series of newsletters on "How to be happy"; not just warm fuzzy stuff for general application but how to be happy in specific circumstances. So for tips on "How to be happy at work" read on to Section 3. Future newsletters will cover topics such as "How to be happy when you're ill", "How to be happy around negative, complaining people", "How to be happy when a change is forced upon you", How to be happy when it is easier to hate or resent" and finally "How to be happy when things don't go right". Why is this important enough for our newsletters? Because the field of positive psychology has evidence that clearly shows that happier people are healthier, and that happier people are more successful at work, have more friends and live longer. Your happiness will benefit not only yourself but also those around you at work or home. So it's not just a feel good thing but a practical contribution you can make to your work place and your family and indeed to our world.

11-Jan-2006, Number 175: House Guests: How to make their stay enjoyable.

Having house guests, especially for prolonged periods of more than a weekend, can be difficult or uneasy for both the guests and the hosts. Yet many of us have people staying with us, especially over the holiday season, and others have overseas visitors who want to stay for long periods. Here are some tips which may help make it easier. The ideas will not apply to all situations and will reflect my own bias as a visitor – but read on to the tips section in case they help. And before I continue, apologies if I implied in the last newsletter that Hep C was spread by kissing, I've been told it's not.

13-Dec-2005, Number 174: Don't kiss me on the lips this Christmas, please. By Rachel Green.

Have you ever had someone approach you and touch or kiss you when you really wish they wouldn't? One of my close friends was greeted by another close female friend the other day and afterwards said, "Yuck, I wish she wouldn't try to kiss me on the lips". I shared her dislike. People, whether friends or relatives, giving me a lip kiss leaves me shuddering and I try to avoid them if at all possible. With this experience in mind and with Christmas coming up, I thought it was a good time to talk about how to meet and greet people, so you don't kiss people on the lips who don't want you to. How should you greet people? For tips on this, please read on to Section 3.

05-Dec-2005, Number 173: Why do women cry and what to do when they do.

I am so excited about our news I am devoting a special newsletter to it. I want to introduce you to a whole new service that we are bringing you of cheaper, easier and more environmentally friendly ways to learn ... for immediate delivery to you anywhere in the world.

We are now publishing a brand new series of important E-books for you, which provide you with up-to-date and expert information on a wide range of topics that you can’t easily access in any other way.

And the first one is a book for men ... But I know that both men and women are wanting this topic. The men want it for their own sakes and the women want their men to read it. And you don’t have to leave your desk to get it, it can be delivered straight to your e-mail box, no need to print it out, it’s been prepared with large print for easy screen reading. And the price is superb. So what is it?

Why do women cry and what to do when they do: A manual for men.

23-Nov-2005, Number 172: Visiting elderly parents

I've recently been visiting my 90 year-old mother, who lives, through her own choice, in an old people's home in England. I also visited some other elderly relatives and people while I was there. Visiting elderly people is not always easy and trying to produce a set of tips that apply to all elderly people is impossible, as every child-parent relationship is different, and no one parent is the same as another. I also realise that those of you visiting parents with dementia face a completely different task from the one I faced. However if you'd like some general tips to help you visit your parents and elderly relatives this Christmas, read on to the tips section.

09-Nov-2005, Number 171: Sarcasm: How to deal with it easily, by Rachel Green.

Sarcasm is a way of life to some people, and rests very uncomfortably with others. When you meet someone who is sarcastic and you're not it can be difficult to know how to deal with it. Don't be thrown by it. Don't be hurt by it. Deal with it easily. Read the tips sections to find out how.

26-Oct-2005, Number 170: Conversation made easy: How to respond to people superbly, by Rachel Green.

I have noticed that some people simply do not know how to, or do not, respond to other people who are trying to make conversation with them. People can make a comment and it is met with silence. No comment is made in return. No questions are asked. I've seen it happen during conversations in lounge rooms, wedding receptions, networking events, staff rooms and more. So, how can we all respond to other people's conversational titbits, keep the conversation going and convey interest? Read on to the tips section to find out.

12-Oct-2005, Number 169: Manipulative mothers-in-law, by Rachel Green.

Some mothers-in-law are wonderfully caring, kind and generous. And some aren't. They can try to manipulate, try to undermine, and be difficult to like or live with. I hear so many stories from both men and women about their struggles with their mothers-in-law and how upset they can be by them. As an example, one of my friends went on holiday with his in-laws recently. Prior to going they had agreed to get the food they each wanted when they were at the beach hut. On arrival they discovered that the mother-in-law had brought food for all of them, contrary to the agreement that had been made. Sadly the food she had brought was not the type of food people wanted to eat. So my friend kindly said he'd like to go down the deer farm to get some venison. She didn't like him saying what food he'd like and she got upset and threw some meat at him. Adults are not always mature, are they? So how do you relate to a hard-to-handle mother-in-law? Read on to the tips section to find out. (By the way, this is not to say that sons and daughters-in-law and fathers-in-law can't also be hard to deal with, they can too!)

28-Sep-2005, Number 168: Public speaking made easy, by Rachel Green.

I've just been to a music festival over the long weekend and watched some superb performances and some not-so good ones. What fascinated me was not the standard of musicianship, as that ranged from high to stunning. Rather it was the quality of speaking to and relating to the audience that varied dramatically both amongst the performers themselves and the masters of ceremony. Yet by following some simple guidelines, speaking in public can be much easier than most people think. How? Read on to the tips section.

14-Sep-2005, Number 167: Teamwork made easier

"Teamwork" is such a buzz word these days. And yet we've all worked in teams probably from the day we first started work. However it's not whether we work in a team that matters, it's how we work together. Now there is no one way of working well in a team, as each team has its own unique set of situations to deal with, and its own blend of different personalities and tasks. Some teams don't work well together at all and their manner of dealing with things can be counterproductive. Others pull together well with high efficiency and low conflict. So what helps a team to work well together? Read on to the tips section to find out.

31-Aug-2005, Number 166: How to be the perfect dinner party host.

I was speaking on Radio ABC Darwin recently and a caller phoned in describing a nightmare of an experience that she'd had in the hands of a dinner host and hostess. It turned out that the host and hostess had very strong political views that the guests didn't share. Worse still, the host and hostess kept on talking about their political side of life. Every time the guests tried to change the topic and introduce something different and lighter, the hostess would revert straight back to politics with the phrase, "As I was saying...". This couple had a dreadful evening. Don't do this to your guests. Be the perfect dinner party host or hostess and leave your guests happy and wanting to invite you back! How? Read on to the tips section.

17-Aug-2005, Number 165: Be assertive! Stay safe! by Rachel Green.

Many of us hold back on telling people what we'd like or want or need. It's so easy to hope that people will guess or that they'll take the hint, or just to leave it because we don't like to make a fuss. What a dilema. And yet sometimes speaking out and telling people clearly and simply what we'd like can bring us much better results than we even imagine. This was brought home to me, in a very stark way, on a trip my husband and I made overseas recently. Prior to going I said to my husband that I'd like to e-mail his brothers and ask one of them to meet us at the airport rather than our having to go through the hassle of catching two trains and doing a tiresome journey after 19 hours of travel on a plane. Usually we wouldn't do this. What we'd do is hope that someone would offer to pick us up and if they didn't we'd go by train. My husband wasn't too sure about making such a direct request given that his brothers work and it would be a three hour journey for them just to get to the airport. He didn't want to put them on the spot. I thought I could do it nicely enough not to cause offence. And so I said quite directly that we'd like someone to meet us at the airport if it was possible. Much to our joy all 3 brothers volunteered to do it! And so we got off a weary flight at Heathrow, London to find one of his wonderful brothers waiting in a car. About an hour later we pulled into a cafe for breakfast to hear that bombs had just gone off on the London underground and at King's Cross. It didn't take long for us to calculate that had we not been picked up we'd have been on that tube line or at King's Cross at that time. There could have been no greater proof for me that sometimes it is actually safer to assert yourself than to stay quiet. So how can you be assertive and say what you need while still respecting the needs of others - and without seeming too bossy or aggressive? Read on to the tips section for some answers.

03-Aug-2005, Number 164: Happy to get older, by Rachel Green.

My husband and I met a long-time friend recently whom we hadn't see for a few months. She came up enthusiastically to give us a hug and asked us how we were. "Good" said my husband, "but getting older. My beard is going white". She laughed and said, touching the hat on her head, "I haven't got any hair at the moment, it's all dropped out with my chemotherapy. I've been diagnosed with advanced breast cancer and the cancer is here, there and everywhere." We were stunned. She was younger than us and the mother of 3 children aged 10 - 12 years. Suddenly having a grey beard no longer mattered. Getting older no longer mattered. We felt lucky and blessed to be getting older. Do you enjoy getting older? Do you celebrate your age? If not, read on and learn how to become happy whatever your age (and condition!)

20-Jul-2005, Number 163: How to be the ideal dinner guest, by Rachel Green.

I bet you're like me and have been to dinner parties where some people have hardly said a word and others have drunk too much and slobbered all over you! I had a client recently describe a horror dinner party. She said the man on her left became so engrossed in conversation with the person on his left that he ended up turning his back and cutting her out completely. And then to make it really awful the person on her other side did the same thing! That's breaking the rules of being a great guest at dinner. So how can you be the ideal dinner guest? Read on to the tips section to find out.

06-Jul-2005, Number 162: Why it's hard for some to express their emotions, by Rachel Green.

I have had three or four women recently complain to me that their husbands don't tell them how they feel. That their husbands are not very good at expressing themselves. That they think their husbands should let them know how they feel. And that they feel slighted when they don't. I took a bit of a gulp when I heard this as it's so easy to demand something of others, to criticise others and to look for faults. It is harder to understand other people, to allow them to be themselves and to accept that your way is not necessarily THE right way or only way. And why do I say all this? Because these women are in danger of making their marriages unhappy when neither they nor their husbands may be at fault. The truth is that some find feelings much easier to deal with than others. Read on to the tips section to find out why and what to do about it.

22-Jun-2005, Number 161: Stopping accidents in the home, by Rachel Green.

This is an unusual topic this fortnight - and I hope you don't mind. I thought I'd write on a completely different topic for a change. Normal topics will resume next time! In January 2005 I had an accident at home. I badly injured the thumb on my right hand. I cut through not only the skin, but the blood supply and the nerve. Now over 5 months later the nerve has still not retuned to normal. What risky behaviour was I participating in? Nothing unusual. I was just doing the dishes. I was cleaning the rim of a glass when it broke in my hand and went through to the bone of my thumb. It was all over in a matter of moments and I spent the next few hours in emergency at the local hospital. I was stunned that doing such an innocent activity could result, so quickly, in such a serious injury. Since then I've started noticing just how dangerous our homes are. How can you be safe in the home? Read on for the tips. They are far from comprehensive and I'm not expert but I encourage you to be careful at home. I certainly am.

08-Jun-2005, Number 160: Conquering put-downs, by Rachel Green.

One evening recently I was talking to three people about an event we were running and which I was coordinating. I was expressing concern about the lack of numbers we'd attracted when, without warning, one woman started putting me down. "You're such a high pressured person Rachel, one of those high achieving types, and a perfectionist", she said in a derogatory tone. Worse still she added, "I don't have pressure, I don't have to worry about things like you do, and I manage my life really well."

Ouch! One big put-down. How would you have felt had it been directed at you? Would you have felt hurt? Possibly even gone home feeling bad about yourself? And what response would you have made? Would you have wanted to say, "Get stuffed" or to make some sarcastic retort or to have defended yourself?

I think it's important that we don't do any of these and that we don't give our power away to other people's put-downs. It's an important part of being emotionally intelligent. How can you do this? Read on for the tips.

25-May-2005, Number 159: Calming emotions, by Rachel Green.

I was talking to a distressed woman recently about how awful it has been for her since she and her husband separated two years ago. He had dumped her and gone off with another woman and she was disgusted with the way he picked up women, used them and then left. She was boiling inside at what he'd done. She felt betrayed and abandoned. And she didn't see how she was going to recover. She added as an after breath, "it is so hard because I still love him". I encouraged her to let the hatred go. It was doing her no good. And I helped her to calm her emotions. How could she do this? How can you do this? Read on to the tips section to find out.

11-May-2005, Number 158: How not to talk at cross purposes, by Rachel Green.

I was packing workshop materials in the boot of my car recently when I was accosted by a security guard. Knowing I'd done everything right, i.e. I'd signed in the book and was wearing my visitor's pass, I greeted her with a friendly smile. "You've got a visitor's pass" she stated. "Oh yes, yes I've got a visitor's pass", I agreed. "No, you've got a visitor's pass" she said with an edge of accusation. "Yes, I've got one, it's here, yes I'm wearing my visitor's pass". "I saw you drive in with a visitor's pass" she said, sounding exasperated. "Yes I did, I have signed in" I said wondering what she was on about. My visitor's pass was dangling there for everyone to see. She looked cross, "You've got your visitor's pass on". "Yes I have" I said agreeing with her. It was becoming a farce. The only thing that changed was the increasing angst on her face and the irritation in her voice. Still not having a clue what the issue was I decided I'd just tell her everything I knew about my visitor's pass. "When I came in this morning, I drove to reception to sign in. I signed in and the security guard gave me a visitor's pass. Then she said I could park my car in the visitor's car park and that's when you saw me". Her face seemed to soften. "Now I'm just putting things in my car. Then I'll return to reception and sign out." "Okay" she said begrudgingly and walked off. I wandered away shaking my head. And then it dawned on me. Maybe I wasn't supposed to wear my visitor's pass to the car park. She thought I'd driven in from elsewhere and had stolen a visitor's pass from someone - or I was about to leave the property and take it with me. Who knows! I was only guessing. I don't know if this was the story - she never said. Ever been at cross purposes? Frustrating isn't it? Yet it can be avoided with a bit of careful communication. Read on for how to do this.

27-Apr-2005, Number 157: We are all humans: a case for tolerance.

I was sitting in the dentist's waiting room recently. A gentleman was with the dentist and his wife was sitting near me. Another woman came in and sitting down next to her said, "I've driven all the way from Claremont but not been to this dentist before, does your husband know him?" "Yes" came the short reply. "Well what's the dentist like?" she asked. Her reply: "He's a foreigner". I nearly fell off my chair. Haven't we progressed beyond such narrow descriptions of people? Clearly not! Surely it was more important to comment on his kindness in handling a patient, his thoroughness in checking teeth or his ability to do pain-free dentistry. Is there a danger in classifying people in such a singular way? Absolutely. It limits our ability to relate to them or to treat them fairly. It's what leads to hatred and wars. How can we become more tolerant? Read on for the tips.

14-Apr-2005, Number 156: Happiness is in the ordinary, by Rachel Green.

We all want to be happy, don't we? That's what drives us to go out and seek entertainment, have exciting holidays overseas, buy a new dress or go to a winning match of our footy team. One guy said to me recently he could only be happy once he'd got a new car. "Why do you need a new car?" I asked. "Because I'm bored with the other one" he said. He thought a new car would make him happy. I expect his happiness will be short-lived though and boredom will soon set in again. Why do we think we'll be happy once we've done these things and spent money? Surely there are ways to be happy which cost us nothing, aren't there? Yes. Read on to find out what some of them are.

23-Mar-2005, Number 155: "Odd" people - explained, by Rachel Green.

I was talking to a lovely woman and her husband from Queensland recently and arranging to meet them at the airport, never having met them before. We were trying to describe ourselves. We sounded an interesting trio, one small, one tall and one large! Then she burst out laughing and explained that a woman had come up to her recently and said "You used to be so pretty, what happened?" It's incredible that anyone would say such a thing, isn't it? Yet people do say and do the oddest of things, don't they? What matters is that we know how to respond to them and we don't let them throw us off track. How can you do this? Read on to the tips section and you'll find out.

16-Mar-2005, Number 154: Oozing with confidence - you can do it too.

I have recently been working with people who get anxious about giving presentations or attending job interviews. What struck me the most was how cruel they were to themselves. They would spend most of their time pulling themselves down, thinking they would go blank, presuming the audience would be hostile, wondering what would happen if they couldn't answer a question, and on they went. And guess what? Their confidence would drop. What they were doing was stopping themselves from feeling confident. Do you knock your own confidence? Do you think of all the problems that might arise? Do you say negative things about yourself, to yourself? Do you train yourself not to do well? If you do, the good news is there are plenty of ways you can train yourself to do the opposite. To be confident rather than nervous. You can learn to be at your best. Read on for how to do it.

03-Mar-2005, Number 153: The good, the bad and the ugly of customer service, by Rachel Green.

I have recently been renovating my house. If you have been involved in renovating or building a home you probably know it's a very stressful experience. And that's when things go right! My experience has left me a loyal and repeat customer with some businesses; and a disgruntled and ex-customer with others. If you conduct any type of service, business or commercial enterprise how you deal with your customers each time they contact you matters. Each contact can be used to build trust, satisfaction and loyalty, or to build dissatisfaction. So does this matter to you? Well, the important thing is that when your customers are happy you can enjoy them more. Satisfied customers are much less stressful to deal with. Enjoy your customers now. How can you do this? Read on to the tips section.

21-Dec-2004, Number 152: How to have a happy Christmas, by Rachel Green.

Christmas is an emotionally intense time, one of the emotional peaks in the yearly emotional cycle. Everyone wishes everyone a happy Christmas. But do we really have happiness at Christmas? Or are we all worn out by the hassles of Christmas shopping, having to prepare food and an endless round of Christmas functions? Christmas is about contentment, about love and compassion. Make sure you really do have these things this Christmas. You don't need money to get them - they can't be bought, despite what the commercials tell you. And being happy is good for you. I've read research recently that said happiness can add years to your life - in fact up to 9 years. That's a lot. So how can you be happy at Christmas? Read on for the tips.

08-Dec-2004, Number 151: Catchy chat at Christmas.

Talking to strangers, family, staff, colleagues, clients, neighbours, friends, and more is a big part of Christmas. People are Christmas. Make catchy, interesting conversations this Christmas. Be inspiring. Change topics. Create topics. Contribute. Listen. Tell interesting stories. Find fascinating topics. Be open. Talk about your year. Make your Christmas functions buzz! Enjoy the chat. Enjoy Christmas. Read on for how to do this...

23-Nov-2004, Number 150: Love Laughter

I was listening to the radio recently. It was one of the gardening programmes and participants were talking about recycling kitchen waste. The subject of citrus peel came up and whether this would be suitable for worm farms. "No" said one of the guys, "but cows will eat it." One of the other presenters responded with a huge grin saying light-heartedly, "That's helpful, lots of us have a cow in our backyard. You have, don't you Stan?" "Actually I have two in my quarter acre block", he said, laughing. I roared with laughter. However this was in stark contrast to the guy who mentioned the cows, he didn't laugh. Instead there was a moment of stoney silence and he continued, ignoring the comments. Now, it may not sound funny here but it was hilarious. And he spoilt it.

10-Nov-2004, Number 149: Triumph over nerves.

There go the butterflies again. I thought butterflies were beautiful insects that flutter about the garden. Maybe so, but when they have grabbed hold of our stomachs just before an important meeting, interaction or presentation, there is nothing pretty about them. They can paralyse us. Stop us from being at our best. Make us miss out on a key job. Keep us from speaking out. Don't let this happen to you. Don't be a slave to your nerves. There are many ways to ease nerves. We can take control. We can triumph over nerves. By doing this we'll have more chance to acheive all that we wish for. The techniques for easing nerves are coming up soon.

27-Oct-2004, Number 148: Managing anger: Yours and theirs.

Do some people get to you? Do you find yourself getting hot under the collar especially when people are rude, complaining or carrying on? Ever got angry or rude back? It's so tempting, isn't it? I've been working with a group of men recently who deal with stroppy customers, and when I say stroppy I mean facing full-blown angry outbursts. I've been encouraging them not to strike back. I kept saying to them, "Let it go, stay calm, stay clear headed. Let the customer rant and rave but don't join in. It's not worth it. Getting irritated, angry or furious isn't good for your blood pressure or health. And just as bad, it gives the other person more ammunition to attack you with. Don't go down to their level. Charm them instead!"

13-Oct-2004, Number 147: Don't trust guilt! by Rachel Green

I am so relieved emotional intelligence has finally been born. Why? Because it is allowing us all to look at our emotions. But why bother? Aren't we better off without them? No, whether we like it or not, we are emotional beings. Whether we approve or not emotions are with us at work, with our staff and colleagues and with our customers, clients and patients. They exist. So let's get to know them. They can give us important information, sometimes. However what a minefield they are. Take guilt for instance. Ever felt it? Ever said "No" to a really polite request and felt guilty? Ever turned down an invitation and felt bad? Ever stood up for yourself but crawled into a hole later? Oh yes, guilt is easy to feel for many of us. A tip - if you feel guilty it doesn't mean you mustn't do what you feel guilty about. Some guilt is a con act! Sometimes it's there to protect you from doing something bad. But some of the time it's not. It is not that you should ignore it but rather evaluate it without automatically giving into it. If you're about to steal something from a shop and feel guilty, or you're about to hit someone, then guilt is there to say, don't do it. At other times it's only there because you've been taught to be nice to people even when people aren't being nice to you. If it's not a valid warning, you don't have to give in. Tips for handling guilt come next.

29-Sep-2004, Number 146: Stopping procrastination - Starting tomorrow! by Rachel Green

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you had all those hard jobs and decisions out of the way and you could just sit back and soak up the sun? Instead, what do so many of us do? We procrastinate. We keep putting off what we could do today, until tomorrow, maybe. We leave things until the last moment. We don’t get around to starting something until it's too late. One of the problems with procrastinating is that we can waste our time and energy. We end up thinking about what needs doing instead of doing it. So much so that it would have been quicker to have just done it the first time we thought about it! As the ad says, just do it.

15-Sep-2004, Number 145: Fabulous friendships and how to get them, by Rachel Green

People talk to me about the troubles they have with their friends. Others tell me they're happy on their own and don't really need friends. And recently someone told me, she prefers her pet dog to a human because it doesn't answer back!

So why bother to have friends? Because human beings deep down are social animals. We can be nurtured through our contact with other people. Friends can help us in times of difficulty. Friends can help us to have a sense of belonging, of connection, of meaning and purpose in our lives. Research has shown that those with a good social network can live longer than those without one. They bring a depth to our lives that would be missing without them. So put the time in to making fabulous friends, they could be good for you.

01-Sep-2004, Number 144: Bursting with attitude, by Rachel Green.

Ever got out of bed cranky with the world? If so, you're not on your own. I have seen some dreadful bumper stickers recently with awful attitudes. The one which showed a map of Australia and then said, "F... off, we're full!", I thought particularly disgusting. Another one said, "If you don't like my driving, eat s...!"

Imagine getting out of bed each morning with these as your attitudes. That's not having a chip on your shoulder, it's a whole huge lump of concrete. The attitude you take into the world makes a big difference to how your day pans out. If you think negatively, expect negativity. If you're more positive, you're more likely to get positivity. So start your day with the right attitude. It could improve your life. Read on for great tips on how you can do it, now.

18-Aug-2004, Number 143: Confidence - How to get more of it

Confidence can be learnt. What we think, how we stand, what we do can all make a difference to our levels of confidence or nervousness. Feeling confident impacts on our performance at work, on our relationships, on our ability to gain friends. Having a confident sense of yourself when attending a job interveiw, dealing with a difficult person or presenting in front of an audience can help you succeed. Here are some tips on how to boost your confidence.

04-Aug-2004, Number 142: Conversations made easy, by Rachel Green

When I was a child I was brought up to believe that I should be seen and not heard. I was like many children today also taught not to speak to strangers. Other comments I heard included, "It's bragging to talk about yourself", "Wait to be introduced" and "It's rude to interrupt". Now I'm an adult I've learnt that these messages work against me when I'm wanting to meet new people and when I'm socialising or networking. Instead I've learnt a whole different set of skills and sayings so that I can network with confidence and even with strangers. Here are some of the skills that may help you too.

07-Jul-2004, Number 141: Since when was persistence good for me? by Rachel Green.

Oh, how easy it is to give up. We've all done it. Whether it's the diet we've promised to follow, the New Year's resolution we said we'd stick to, a promise we made to do yoga each week, giving up is easy. The trouble with that is we don't get the long term rewards we want. Imagine if all our Olympic athletes said one morning, "Oh what the heck, I'm fed-up with training. I'm giving up!" We'd have no athletes, no Olympic games to enjoy and they'd have no medals. Sticking with it could mean you become healthier, richer or happier - who knows. Sometimes persistence does pay! So here are some tips on not giving up

23-Jun-2004, Number 140: Becoming a skilled communicator, by Rachel Green.

Communication is a core ingredient of our lives. Our relationships depend on it. At work, our work success can often depend on it. Management and staff communicate with each other. Staff communicate with each other. Staff communicate with customers, clients, stake-holders and more. How the communication is conducted impacts on the trust that is built, whether information is listened to and acted upon, and how satisfied people feel as a result of the interaction. Skilful communicators have more influence. Skilful communicators have less conflict. Skilful communicators build better teams, have better networks, and gain more respect from colleagues, clients and families. The world needs more skilled communicators. Here are some very simple tips to help ...

09-Jun-2004, Number 139: "Every extra moment with him is a bonus."

The father of a 17 year old boy called me recently and was talking about his son with great affection. In the midst of the conversation he said, "Every extra moment with him is a bonus." I was really touched by such a comment. It stood out as being different. Do you appreciate fully the people you live and work with? If only we all valued each other and saw the good in each other - we'd be less stressed. So often we complain about our families, whether it is our children, our partners or our parents. We often focus on their faults. We also grumble about the people we work with. The hardest part of most jobs is the people. Imagine if we appreciated people more. Then we would be happier. Work would be easier. We wouldn't be weighed down by so many problems. We'd look forward to going to work, have fewer conflicts and be more motivated and optimistic. Here are some tips on how.

27-May-2004, Number 138: When I was yelled at, I kept my cool and won him over, by Rachel Green

Ever found your blood boiling as someone vents their spleen at you? Or you've felt insulted and said things you later regretted, or maybe you've been so upset you've burst into tears when you didn't want to? The person could be a customer swearing at you on the phone or a colleague yelling at you in a meeting. Wherever it is and whoever it is, learn to keep your cool. When you keep your cool you keep your dignity. You act like a professional. And you have the chance of calming them down and winning them over. Here's how ...

12-May-2004, Number 137: They tried to talk me out of speaking ... but once I'd got to my feet they were spellbound, by Rachel Green.

Ever felt daunted by the task of speaking out? Or left a meeting and wished you'd stood your ground? Stood in front of a crowd and had your legs go to jelly?

I wonder if you presume all good speakers feel confident? Maybe you look at someone else and wish you could speak as confidently and clearly as them. You can! Here's how.

28-Apr-2004, Number 136: How emotionally intelligent people succeed at work, by Rachel Green.

When I went to school, we were told that if we didn't have a high IQ we wouldn't succeed. Now things have changed. It has become obvious that some people with a high IQ fail to hold down a good job while others with a lower IQ succeed despite all odds. How can this happen? Because of something called Emotional Intelligence (EI). But hang on - since when have emotions mattered at work? Well think about what happens if you feel nervous, intimidated or happy. Does this affect your work? It probably does.

07-Apr-2004, Number 135: Grief: Coping with the death of a loved one, by Rachel Green.

Tragedy happens in everyone's lives. We can't stop it. People get sick. People we love die. But how do we handle the grief? It's not often talked about. Sometimes our society tends to cover up death as if it doesn't happen and this can make it hard for us to cope. One of our Reflections' readers has asked for help with this, so here are some tips.

23-Mar-2004, Number 134: Emotional Intelligence - how not to stew in your own juice, by Rachel Green

When people around you make snide comments or get angry or are unpleasant, what do you do? Do you let it go and brush if off? Or do you dwell on it, get angry back or clam up? When you dwell or stew on something who are you hurting? Often not the other person - he/she has probably gone to bed and forgotten all about it. If you, meanwhile, are going over and over it in your own mind, if you are lying awake at 3 o'clock in the morning plotting revenge, if you are still bitter or upset about it a day, a week or a month or even 2 years later - you are hurting yourself. So how can you stop yourself doing this? Here are some tips.

10-Mar-2004, Number 133: Job sharing made easier, by Rachel Green

Job sharing is a wonderful idea in practice. Ideally each person contributes their strengths so the job benefits from extra skills. Each person works really hard so more work is completed than a single person would achieve. There is always someone available in times of sickness and holidays. The organisation is never left in the lurch if one person leaves. And each person reaps the benefits of only working part-time. A good list providing all is going well!

25-Feb-2004, Number 132: Developing your self confidence, by Rachel Green

People vary in their levels of confidence. Sometimes even the most confident appearing people can doubt themselves. Inside them may be a myriad of doubts, insecurities, fears or uncertainties that may not be apparent on the surface. In contrast some people are obviously lacking in confidence, they are indecisive, submissive, avoid conflict, are not able to say "no", or find it hard to stand up for themselves. Yet being confident can be a big contribution to our happiness. Being confident can also influence how people interact with us. Being confident can help us in a variety of situations such as job interviews, parenting, presenting and so on. So how can all of us develop and boost our self confidence? Here are some tips.

11-Feb-2004, Number 131: Speaking at weddings and special events - doing a great job, by Rachel Green

It's a big day, your best friend's wedding, your son's engagement party, your school's graduation ceremony, your father's funeral. And you've been given the task of giving a speech. You're nervous. You're stuck for what to say. And you want some help. Here are the tips.

28-Jan-2004, Number 130: Keeping customers happy, by Rachel Green

Ever been put-off by someone giving you bad service? Or maybe you offer a service and you'd like to do it better. If so, read on. Today's newsletter will tell you of a number of instances where I've received poor service and how it could have been instantly improved, at no cost. The poor service was the result of people's communication skills. And had the small things been taken care of the service provider involved would have been better off financially.

14-Jan-2004, Number 129: Families and what to do about them, by Rachel Green

Many of us will have been with our families over the festive season. I wonder how it was for you. Sometimes families don't get on. Barbara, one of our newsletter readers, has asked for a newsletter on the difficulties that families face in relating to each other. How do we handle conflicts in a family? What do we do if one member of the family refuses to talk to the others? What happens if our son or daughter, aunt or uncle, grandparent or parent doesn't want to have anything to do with us or another member of the family? It is a topic which is not uncommon. There are no easy answers. If you'd like to contribute yours please feel able to send them in. I am not an expert in this area although I do have direct experience within my own family of issues which have arisen, as do most of us. However I have some comments to make. So here are my ideas.

02-Jan-2004, Number 128: Relationships, community and our land, by Rachel Green.

I've written a Rachel's Rant once before, after September 11th, and I got more response to that than any other newsletter before or since. And now I'm moved to write a second one, this time in response to a damning report into the effects of global warming and our environmental problems. It predicts appalling increases in droughts, bush fires, tropical diseases, storms, and more for Australia. Other countries are also being warned of dreadful consequences. What legacy are we leaving our kids?

10-Dec-2003, Number 127: Having great conversations this Christmas, by Rachel Green

Christmas parties. Christmas dinners. Christmas drinks. What do they all have in common except for food and drink? Conversations. Yes, Christmas is the peak time of the year for you to use your skills in the art of chat. How are your conversation skills? Do you get stuck in a rut, end up staring into your wine glass or glazing over as someone bores you? It doesn't have to be this way. Here are some more tips on the art of conversation this Christmas.

26-Nov-2003, Number 126: How to survive the stress of moving house, by Rachel Green

It's well known that moving home is high on the stress scale. We have recently gone through a nerve racking few months organising our move and selling and buying our homes. Here are some tips to help you, based on my experiences.

04-Nov-2003, Number 125: Managing people who go silent on you, by Rachel Green

Have you ever been around someone with a black cloud hanging over them? They don't say anything but you can sense that all is not well. Maybe they give black looks. Maybe they refuse to co-operate. Maybe they sit there in a sullen silence. You may feel as though you are being given the "silent treatment". It's tough for those on the receiving end. So how do you manage it?

22-Oct-2003, Number 124: Could you be perceived as a bully without realising it? by Rachel Green

The number of stories I hear about people being intimidated and bullied at work is high. I have spent many hours helping people cope with such inappropriate behaviour. But hang on - isn’t that the wrong way round? Shouldn’t we be helping the people who bully to stop their bullying? People who bully in the workplace need to know where the boundaries are. They need to be challenged. Their behaviour needs to be improved.

08-Oct-2003, Number 123: How not to single out the Oddballs in your family or team, by Rachel Green

Do you have people in your family or life that you think are oddballs? Have you ever asked yourself why you label them as oddballs? Is it just because they don't do things the same way as you do? Here are some tips on how to get on with the different people in your family and team...

24-Sep-2003, Number 122: Dealing positively with negativity - How to keep your head on when people are blowing their tops! by Rachel Green

Ever been yelled at and shrunk back furious inside? Or maybe you've been so angry you've yelled right back. It's hard to keep your cool isn't it, when people are blowing their top at you? However, why get your blood pressure up just because of someone else? Stay healthy. Stay cool. Here's how...

10-Sep-2003, Number 121: Presentation Skills - taking the audience into account, by Rachel Green

I was coaching someone recently in giving a speech and he was nervous. He didn't like all the attention being placed on him. I sympathised. And then I reassured him - "All the attention isn't on you, the audience are thinking about themselves!" I can demonstrate this every time I speak. If you ask the people in the audience, "Were you worried about me when you were coming here today?" hardly anyone ever says, "Yes, I was hoping you were feeling okay and had a good night's sleep." In contrast, they say they have been thinking about themselves!

The value in knowing this is that it can help reduce your self-consciousness as a speaker. It also gives your presentation focus. Who should you be concentrating on? The audience of course! They are the most important part of your presentation. How can you focus on the audience? Here's how ...

27-Aug-2003, Number 120: Emotional Intelligence - what is it and can you have some more? by Rachel Green.

When I went to school, success was measured and predicted by scores on an IQ test. If you had a high IQ it was assumed that you'd do well in life. If you didn't have a high IQ the implication was that you wouldn't be a success. Over time it has become ever more obvious that some people with a high IQ can end up in a mess in terms of their finances, relationships, psychological health or other aspects. In contrast, some people with a lower IQ seem to achieve and succeed despite all odds. How can this happen? Because of something called Emotional Intelligence (EI).

13-Aug-2003, Number 119: Do opposites attract at work or in personal relationships? by Rachel Green.

Romantically there is much written about the attraction of opposites. The wild brave energetic male falls in love with a quiet, fainting maiden ... and all that! But is it based in reality? Do opposites attract? If we use the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), can it help to answer the question? Yes, I think it can.

30-Jul-2003, Number 118: Dinner Party Conversations: How to be interesting, by Rachel Green

Dinner parties can be fabulous or frightful. It depends on the people there. But what do you do to make sure you are contributing to making the conversation flow? Are you being interesting? I was at a dinner party recently and came away a little put-off by one of the people. My husband and I were disappointed that we hadn't had an opportunity to get to know her better and with a feeling that she was sitting in judgement on us. This may well not have been the case but we were left wondering. I have since thought about this and worked out what went wrong. As a result I thought it was a good time to present my tips on how to make interesting conversations.

08-Jul-2003, Number 117: Chairing meetings - how to ensure everyone gets a fair hearing, by Rachel Green

Many of us spend many hours of our working days attending meetings. Yet some of the meetings I've been a part of have not been run efficiently by the chair person, who has failed to control the meeting, who allows certain people to dominate or who allows the participants to go off the point. Ever experienced these problems? If you ever get the chance to chair a meeting, here are some tips to ensure everyone gets a fair hearing. And they could be useful for you if you attend meetings rather than chairing them.

25-Jun-2003, Number 116: How to have less frazzle and more dazzle. By Rachel Green

Ever felt that there isn't enough time in the day? That there's too much pressure? That you feel hassled or stressed or overworked? Would you rather have time for yourself? Feel relaxed? Feel on top of your life and enjoying it to the max? If so, read on for some top tips to take the frazzle out of your day.

11-Jun-2003, Number 115: Dealing with pain - when panadol isn't enough. By Rachel Green

Ever had any pain? Ever wished it would go away? Ever ended up hating it, trying to avoid it, or worrying about it? I've done all of them. I can number a whole swag of pains in the last 20 or so years, anything from the pain of pleurisy (flames in my lungs), abdominal migraine (razor blades being drawn across the lining of my stomach) to pain in my neck, shoulders and arms from some collapsed vertebrae. That's not to mention the fact that I seem to do things to my toes like close toilet doors on them when I've got bare feet, plus have the odd arthritic joint, sinusitis - you know, just the usual!

28-May-2003, Number 114: How not to get your emotional buttons pressed. By Rachel Green

Has anyone ever been rude to you or said things about you that you've been hurt and upset by? My mother used to have a great skill at saying certain things which would get me immediately upset. She just had to say I was "too sensitive", "stubborn" or "bossy" and I went up in a flash. She could press my buttons very easily. Does this happen to you? Do you react to certain things that your parents, children, partner, work colleagues, boss or clients say to you? If they say you are "too emotional", "slack", "disorganised" or a "poor mother" do you stay calm, collapse inside or get hurt and flare up? If any of these sound familiar here are some tips to help you stop getting your emotional buttons pressed. Is it possible? Yes, I spent years training myself. Now my mum can say virtually anything and it washes right over me, even makes me laugh.

14-May-2003, Number 113: Speaking Out At Meetings, by Rachel Green.

Most of us regularly attend meetings, whether at work or at neighbourhood or social groups. So how good are you at speaking out? Do you join in and make sure your opinion is heard? Or do you take it all in but say little?

30-Apr-2003, Number 112: Contented and Celebrating. By Rachel Green

I turned 50 on February 28th. And I've just finished celebrating with 50 friends!

Why celebrate? To show how grateful I am for every year I've had. I'm proud of my age; after all, some people never make it to 50. I have - so I'm happy to celebrate. For all of life's trials and tribulations, pains and disappointments, contentment is possible whatever our age. And isn't that what really matters? Life is not about how many possessions we have, what colour our hair is or what our credentials are. It's about happiness and sharing that happiness with others, isn't it?

11-Apr-2003, Number 111: Why aren't people like me? By Rachel Green

Have you ever thought that if only everyone thought or behaved in a similar way to you that life would be much easier? When people don't think or behave in the same as we do, they can appear difficult and yet often it is simply that they are different.

28-Mar-2003, Number 110: Good customer communication can earn you dollars. By Rachel Green

Recently my husband and I have been trying to find a new home to buy. We have been looking for 10 months. Why has it taken so long? Because we are trying to do the unlikely - find a home on flat land in the hills! But we are determined and our dream will come true some time. In the meantime we have spent many hours talking to real estate agents, visiting home-opens, reading real estate websites, advertisements and the like. So I thought I'd use the real estate industry to show how good customer communication can affect your business.

12-Mar-2003, Number 109: Boosting people - giving feedback that motivates, by Rachel Green

Sometimes work, for all of us, can be a drain. Imagine then, how wonderful I felt recently when I walked into a cafe for a luncheon appointment and someone I didn't recognise said, "Are you Rachel Green?" A bit taken aback I said, "Yes, how do you know me?" "I was at one of your speeches on Midlife and Happiness in Northam," she said. "I just have to tell you that since that speech I have been out planting lots of trees and every time I do I think of you. Thank you for the inspiration."

25-Feb-2003, Number 108: Which would you choose - white lies or the truth? By Rachel Green

The local radio station in Bunbury called me recently wanting to know how to identify a liar. When I suggested the police were in a better position than I was to talk about that, they decided we could talk about white lies instead! What an interesting topic. I'd never given it much thought before but it's probably relevant to all of us. Do you ever tell white lies? Or even big lies? Does it matter? Or is it okay?

12-Feb-2003, Number 107: Do you write excellent e-mails? By Rachel Green

E-mails are becoming such a common form of communication these days, I'm beginning to think we won't be talking to each other at all soon. I even know people who send e-mails to people sitting at the desks next to theirs. So when are e-mails appropriate and when aren't they? And given we use them so often, how can you excel in e-mail communication as in all other forms of communication? Read on!

31-Jan-2003, Number 106: What would you like to say to your dentist? By Rachel Green

Last week I was sitting in the dentist's chair waiting for a filling in my back tooth and a clean and scrape. The dentist has a TV on the ceiling for her patients to watch and Oprah Winfrey was on full bore. The dentist came in and said to me, "Did you have a good Christmas?" and without a pause, adds "You've been so busy". "Oh have I?" I said. With that she put something in my mouth and then asked me how my husband was. Can someone please tell me why dentists ask us questions when we have something in our mouths and can't answer? It's always made me wonder, as I've experienced it happening with so many dentists. Have you? What do they expect us to do? Rip out the instrument and speak, blow bubbles and make gargly noises or magically answer through eye movement patterns? Well, we all have to go to the dentist, so I thought it was time to tackle this issue.

14-Jan-2003, Number 105: Was she as horrible as I first thought? What are your first impressions? By Rachel Green

I've just returned from a two week holiday and am happy to be back in contact with you again. I found plenty of stimulation for some newsletter topics over Christmas. So coming up will be topics centred around poor customer service, inspirational generosity and kindness, having fascinating conversations with teenagers, communicating with dentists, evaluating the depth and value of friendships, communication between real estate agents and buyers, finding contentment in the ordinary, and more! But for now we have Richard Goodwin at Edith Cowan University to thank for suggesting today's topic. He wrote and asked "Do first impressions always count or can we misjudge people?"

18-Dec-2002, Number 104: Will it be tears, beers or cheers for you this Christmas? By Rachel Green

Christmas time again! Happy Christmas. I love Christmas and in Australia at the moment it's summer. I love that too. All the bright sunshine and blue skies is therapeutic for me. I hope you like wherever you are too. Have you done your Christmas shopping yet? I have four presents still to get. It is a busy time of year for most of us, isn't it? But what does Christmas mean to you? Are you looking forward to Christmas day? How happy will your Christmas day be? Will it be tears, beers or cheers for you this Christmas? I hope there will be plenty of cheer for you

04-Dec-2002, Number 103: Phone Calls - How to handle even the hard ones superbly. By Rachel Green

Is it my imagination or are people getting more aggressive and demanding in their phone calls? I sense the world is becoming an increasingly stressed place and that people expect higher and higher standards of service and demand their "rights" more and more. Meanwhile, more people work with lessening resources and increasing workloads. A crazy world, isn't it? So, given this seems to be reality for many of us, how do we handle phone calls so we still feel good about ourselves and leave our callers feeling good about themselves. Of course maybe we should also ask, how can we, when we call other people, be kind to those on the other end too, even if we are complaining?

06-Nov-2002, Number 101: Networking Successfully. By Rachel Green

It's approaching Christmas again. The prime time for parties, functions and networking. So let's look at some top tips to make your networking successful this Christmas.

16-Oct-2002, Number 100: Birthdays are worth celebrating. By Rachel Green

Rachel's Reflections is 100 today. Wow! Thanks to all of you who made it possible simply by subscribing to it.

Birthdays are worth celebrating. So how? And Why?

02-Oct-2002, Number 99: Too much of the story: The Extravert's dilemma. By Rachel Green

We've talked about Introverts in edition 95 of the newsletter - now for the Extraverts. Extraverts form approximately 50% of the population, but it may seem like more as they can stand out in a crowd more readily than most Introverts. Extraverts can be the highlight at a party or social event, entertaining, being the perfect hostess or host and being involved in many things. They're a lovely group of people who typically like to talk things through, be active and who respond well to external stimulation. So here is some information that could help you get on with them, or understand yourself better if you are one.

18-Sep-2002, Number 98: Reactions to change and what to do about them. By Rachel Green

We face change every day, some of it imposed and some of it chosen. However, our reactions to change vary, and sometimes we resist making changes as it can challenge us and we prefer to continue as we are. Sometimes we resist without a good reason other than it's what we know or who we are. Sometimes even the smallest of changes can disturb us. For example, I went to a dental therapy conference recently and started talking to the people at the Oral B counter. They were kind enough to give me an electric toothbrush. I'd never used an electric toothbrush before. Why would I want one? Would I use it? What's wrong with a good old fashioned hand moved one? Up came a whole series of questions to help me put off trying it. Ever resisted making a change that could be good for you?

04-Sep-2002, Number 97: Calmly Coping with Negativity. By Rachel Green

Negativity comes in many forms, whether as snide comments, sarcastic put downs, angry outbursts, criticism, complaints and so on. There are many different and diverse ways to deal with negativity only a few of which I'll mention here but they'll be some of the key ones.

21-Aug-2002, Number 96: How wrong can we be? By Rachel Green

On completion of a recent training course I ran, I handed out certificates to each of the participants. Each person was invited out to the front to individually receive his/her certificate while the audience enthusiastically applauded. There was nothing unusual about it. The certificates were in no particular order and I picked out each certificate as I recognised a name or I found a particular person standing close to me. Having done this I was pleased with how the proceedings had gone and everyone went home. Happily I thought! How wrong can my perceptions be? A couple of days later a supervisor contacted me to say that a participant had complained to her that I had deliberately withheld his certificate until last because I knew he had to rush off at the end of the course. I was amazed that someone thought that! It was news to me. How easy is it to read into a situation something that isn't there? How often do we interpret something wrongly? How often do we misjudge ourselves and other people? How can we know whether our perceptions are right or not?

07-Aug-2002, Number 95: Only giving half the story: The Introvert's dilemma. By Rachel Green

Introverts are approximately 50% of the population and are well worth understanding. If you're an Introvert I'm sure you will agree and if you're not an Introvert you are likely to be working or living with one. They're a lovely group of people who typically like to think things through, reflect on life and have peace and quiet, rather than talking a lot or being the life and soul of the party, meeting or workplace. So here is some information that could help you get on with them, or understand yourself better if you are one.

24-Jul-2002, Number 94: How To Say No By Rachel Green

Busy-ness is all around us. It seems to be an automatic part of our lives these days, the accepted norm, as if busy means good. I know I've mentioned if before because it bothers me. Why are we all so busy? Is busy-ness healthy? Can we stop being so busy? Can we learn to say no politely and take more control over our lives?

10-Jul-2002, Number 93: Where's your focus By Rachel Green

I'll be 50 next birthday and I want to make a significant contribution in my next decade. At this stage I'm in limbo land as I travel through the transitionary period from my 40's to my 50's. "Midlife And Happiness" was the culmination of my 40's, of the decade I'm now completing. But what will I do in my fifties? It's so easy just to busy myself with life and simply be busy. But busy doing what? Sometimes I wonder if being busy is just a cover up for a lack of focus, simply being busy seems to have become, in our society, an acceptable description of our lives, as if "busyness" in itself is valuable. But is it? Have you ever asked what purpose your busyness has? Could you be more focused?

26-Jun-2002, Number 92: Listening Successfully By Rachel Green

How well we listen can influence the success of our working lives, or personal relationships and our interactions with friends, neighbours and acquaintances. Yet did anyone ever teach you how to listen? If you're like most of us you were probably just told to "pay attention" or to "listen" but without being told how. I thought it would be a good issue to discuss and clarify. So here goes...

12-Jun-2002, Number 91: Writing E-mails. By Rachel Green

E-mails rule the world! Well, that's what it can seem like sometimes as more and more people open their e-mails each day and get swamped. Most of us have received little training on e-mail communication so I thought it would be a good time to visit the topic again and add to the previous ideas we've discussed.

29-May-2002, Number 90: Finding Inspiration In A Negative World. By Rachel Green

When I watch the news or look at the newspaper I am dismayed at the emphasis given to negativity, bad news and violence. The focus is on the wrong-doings of people, on disasters, death and crime. If good news stories are included they seldom move beyond sports people, the rich and famous, or dolphins! Does this matter? Yes, because significant sections of the media give a distorted world view and this can contribute to people feeling pessimistic about their lives and downhearted. Not that it is necessarily the fault of the media, is it? After all, we obviously buy or use their products otherwise they wouldn't exist. They produce what people buy. They produce what people watch. However, whatever the reasons, we are presented with a negative image of life and it has negative consequences. We can get sucked in to the negativity. We can come to live in fear. We can think good things are not possible. So how can we keep motivated? On top of things? Where do we find inspiration?

15-May-2002, Number 89: What to do with your hands and other body language tips. By Rachel Green

David de Lacey, one of our regular Rachel's Reflections readers, has asked for tips on what to do with his hands when presenting. He writes: "I was wondering if you could include something about the styles of gesticulation which exist, if any (with reference to giving presentations). Maybe it's just me, but moving my limbs randomly seems like it could be more distracting than helpful, whereas some form of coordinated full body assault on the speech could be used to help further emphasise the key points. Any feedback you could give me about this would be appreciated."

Thanks David, good idea. I thought I'd open up the whole topic of body language as it is one we've not talked about for a long time.

01-May-2002, Number 88: Topics to talk about. By Rachel Green

Ever got stuck in a boring conversation? You'd be a rare person if you haven't. Boring conversations can make relationships go stale, put a dull edge to a function and stop you from connecting with potential clients or new friends. I thought it would be good therefore to focus on one aspect of conversation which can make them more interesting - the topics to talk about.

03-Apr-2002, Number 86: What to do about bullying. By Rachel Green.

Angry outbursts, bullying and nastiness can make our lives miserable, especially if we feel intimidated and powerless to do anything about them. I am not an expert in this topic but I have recently been subjected to some bullying and had to work out how to cope. Also Jenny, one of our readers, has written to request bullying be covered in Rachel's Reflections. This is what Jenny said, "Could you talk some time about 'anger in the workplace'. It seems to me not appropriate or professional to explode or manipulate in the workplace using anger, yet this does go on. Even using a louder voice than necessary can be an attempt at control, I believe; as is not listening to a colleague's concern/opinion about a workplace issue. These behaviours could be perceived as 'bullying'. What do you think; and how does one manage them effectively?"

20-Mar-2002, Number 85: The Art of Patience. By Rachel Green

I am in awe of a man named John Button at the moment. He was convicted of the murder of his girlfriend in the 1960's and was jailed for 5 years in Western Australia. He has always pleaded his innocence. After his conviction, another person confessed to the murder. Apparently, the confession was not accepted in the appeal court and the conviction was upheld. Now over 30 years later, with scientific evidence, John Button has managed to clear his name. What an absolutely wonderful example of patience this man displays. To have quietly continued to believe in himself and to have patiently waited until the world knew of his innocence gives me hope that patience is possible for all of us. If so, how can we develop such a characteristic? And is being patient worth it?

06-Mar-2002, Number 84: Conversation Skills Are Good For Your Health! By Rachel Green

I was riding on a train last week and happened to glance around the carriage. There were many people all sitting as if on their own. No-one was talking to the person next to them and several had headsets on listening to their walkmans. That's when it struck me - why do we block ourselves off from other people and not talk to them? I am sure there are many important answers, such as we want our own peace and quiet, we're busy thinking, it's the only time we have to read a book ... and so on. But is it good for us? Is the art of conversation becoming a dying art? By blocking others out do we run the risk of becoming increasingly socially isolated? If so, it may not be good for us. Research shows that those with the best social networks have the most chance of living longer and having happier lives. Conversation can add value to our lives. So what can we do about increasing and improving conversation? Here are my thoughts. What are yours?

22-Feb-2002, Number 83: Finding Happiness

When I sit and watch the television news I am saddened by the amount of violence, hatred and unhappiness there is in the world. When I travel on the train I look around and often see people who seem unenergised, frustrated or unhappy. When I walk through the city or go shopping I see people weighed down by the world, uncertain, hassled. Yet the one thing I suspect we all have in common is a desire to be happy. But what makes us happy? Where do we find happiness? Is it possible to be happy irrespective of what happens around us? Here are my thoughts - send me yours. You may or may not agree with what I say - but tell me!

19-Dec-2001, Number 82: Readers' Reflections: Conversations, Attitudes, Children, Quotes and more ... By Rachel Green

This is a special Christmas edition of Rachel's Reflections written mainly by our readers. Here are some of the stories and comments we have received during the year, gently peppered with some related tips and inspiring quotes. Please enjoy!

05-Dec-2001, Number 81: Customer Service: Tips and Traps. By Rachel Green

Customer service matters, especially around the Christmas period where certain sectors get very busy. Here are some service situations I have been involved with recently and ten tips for better customer service. What do you think of the following examples?

21-Nov-2001, Number 80: Put-Downs or Praise? By Rachel Green

Have you ever felt vulnerable? Or held back on saying something for fear of not gaining another person's approval. Or kept information about you to yourself in case people won't like you or ridicule you for it? Many of us keep information about ourselves hidden because of the negative responses we may get from others. Indeed right now I'm feeling vulnerable and exposed. Why? Because I have written about my life, my mid-life journey, in a book which is on its way to the publishers. It is one thing to live my life, it is quite another to share my life with others. Scary!

07-Nov-2001, Number 79: Talking to the elderly ... and other people. By Rachel Green.

Everyday most of us need to talk to a range of people including those who are older than us, whether it be over the phone at work, our neighbours or relations. Accommodating to the needs of different people can help make our interactions more successful and less stressful. Here are some tips of how to get the most out of your interactions.

24-Oct-2001, Number 78: Understanding Judging Types. By Rachel Green

Do you ever wish that you understood the people around you or even yourself?! Or maybe you wish everyone just saw life the same way that you did and you can't understand why they don't? Do some people seem to procrastinate or dominate? Are some spontaneous while others are rigid? Do some seem judgemental while others are wishy-washy? Oh the differences in people! I thought today it would be good to look at some of the differences and try to make sense of them ...

10-Oct-2001, Number 77: Now is the time. By Rachel Green

I think this should be called Rachel's Rant this week rather than Rachel's Reflections! It is going to be the most challenging and potentially unpopular newsletter I have written. But it needs writing. Please read on even if you don't agree! World events have shaken me into monitoring my life, the society I live in, the things that I do, the things that are important. My eyes have become like new and I'm looking at what I do and what others do quite differently. What I've noticed concerns me. This is a wake-up call. Are you awake?

26-Sep-2001, Number 76: The highs and lows of customer service. By Rachel Green

Does customer service make any real difference to either business or customers, or life in general? A number of service situations I have been involved with recently have suggested to me that it does, but I wonder if you'd make the same interpretation? What do you think of the following examples?

12-Sep-2001, Number 75: Habits or possibilities ... tips on coping with change. By Rachel Green

Have you noticed how seldom things stay the same? Just as you're getting used to procedures at work someone changes the rules or restructures your department. You find a really comfortable pair of shoes but they wear out. You have a favorite breakfast cereal and the manufacturers stop making it? However much we long for things to stay the same, change seems to happen faster and more than ever ... and much of it we have no control over. If you think you have control, try stopping your fingernails from growing for a couple of months!

29-Aug-2001, Number 74: Moving elderly parents into a home - sorting out their belongings. By Rachel Green

I never expected to have to sort out my mother's belongings while she was with me - but one day my mother declared she wanted to move into a residential care/old people's home. I wish I'd had more help beforehand in knowing how to handle such an emotionally laden experience so I thought I might pass on what I learnt. This may seem a very specialist topic for today's newsletter, however even if you don't have elderly parents to care for it may get you thinking about your own possessions ... and come to think of it, the principles described here could apply to any situation.

17-Aug-2001, Number 73: Moving beyond the superficial - Conversation with class! By Rachel Green

I recently enjoyed an evening dinner with a dozen people. We had a good laugh and many funny jokes and stories were exchanged. At the end of the evening though I didn't feel that I knew anyone any better than I did when I arrived. Nor did I leave feeling that they knew me either. I started to think about other conversations I'd had or I'd observed and realised how easy it is to stay at a superficial level and miss the possibility of getting to know people better and having more interesting conversations - so here are some tips on developing conversations ...

06-Aug-2001, Number 72: Developing confidence and comfort. By Rachel Green

Do you lack confidence in yourself? Do you fear tasks such as public speaking and the associated possibility of rejection? Do you find that as you get older your body can be uncomfortable, stiff or inflexible? If so, you are not alone! The good news though is that there are ways to remedy these problems. Read on for some ideas as to how to do this...

23-Jul-2001, Number 71: People who annoy you on the phone and in person ... and what to do about them. By Rachel Green

Have you ever felt your blood pressure increase because of the way someone is talking at you? Or have you experienced times when you want to do your work but someone keeps rambling on and you can't get them to shut up? Or just as bad, have you ever had people say hurtful things to you and you've not been able to get them out of your mind? If any of these apply, here are some tips to help you deal with such situations in the future.

06-Jul-2001, Number 70: Helping people feel comfortable talking to you. By Rachel Green

People can have the best intentions when they attempt to talk to others but can, through a lack of skill find that their conversations aren't going anywhere. In fact, they can close down conversations and kill them off without even knowing it. Here are some examples of this happening and some tips to rectify such situations so that the conversations are comfortable.

21-Jun-2001, Number 69: Overcoming Anxiety by Rachel Green.

Anxiety seems to be a bit of a "hush-hush" topic in our society. It's as if anyone who admits to having "anxiety" is thought to be a bit of a nutter, someone who hasn't got their act together, or who has lost the plot! Why? Everyone gets anxious at some time or other. It's a natural built in protective mechanism to help us escape or become aware of danger. So here are some tips on managing anxiety...

16-May-2001, Number 68: How thick are yours? By Rachel Green

This is going to be a multi-skilled newsletter ... about customer service, personal relationships and your health! If you are interested in any of these, read on.

02-May-2001, Number 67: Pitfalls to avoid in e-mail communication - By Rachel Green

E-mails form a significant part of our lives these days. The way we communicate in our e-mails can influence the responses we receive. I don't think e-mail communication is much different from other forms of written or face-to-face communication. However, the speed at which messages are sent, the permanency of the written word, and the use of the visual medium, can all produce problems. It is therefore worth knowing the pitfalls to avoid. Here are some of them:

04-Apr-2001, Number 65: Problems communicating - machine or human? By Rachel Green

I've been writing the midlife book and having a lot of problems - communication problems that is. I have been trying to communicate with a machine, a computer dictation machine, which allows me to talk to my computer through a microphone while it types out for me, hands free, what I've said. Well that's what it's supposed to do. However, I have learnt that to make it do this accurately is far more difficult than I ever imagined, and I have begun to appreciate just how talented people are when they communicate, so much so I am surprised that we don't have more communication breakdowns. This is what I've learnt so far ...

21-Mar-2001, Number 64: In Defence of Poor Service - By Rachel Green

As a customer of many services, from trains, banks and the public health service through to restaurants, take-away food outlets and supermarkets I hear constant complaints about poor service. I am one of the people who complains. However, have you ever asked why there is poor service? I've been doing that recently and have come to the conclusion that customers contribute to it. What do you think?

07-Mar-2001, Number 63: Feeling Good About Ourselves, by Rachel Green

What do you think about yourself really? Have you ever felt bad about yourself, thought you were no good, stupid or worthless? It seems from my discussions with people that many of us don't feel too good about ourselves. We might not tell anyone else about this but deep down ticking away is a grinding negativity. Does this matter? Yes! It can affect everything we do, the way we relate to other people, the extent to which we look after ourselves, our mental health, our relationships. It can affect us in many, many ways. So what can we do about it? Here are seven tips ...

21-Feb-2001, Number 62: Conversations Can Be Easy - By Rachel Green

I was sitting with a group of people in a restaurant recently enjoying a nice meal and delightful company. I was enjoying it because I was engaged in conversation with several of the people around me, exchanging information, stories and news. However I couldn't help but notice two single people sitting next to each other not saying anything. They hadn't come together but they had been introduced and belonged to the same group. They both looked vulnerable and both ended leaving early to go home. How could their evening have been brighter and more satisfying? Here are some tips...

07-Feb-2001, Number 61: Building Better Teams & Relationships. By Rachel Green

One of the difficulties of having to live and work with other people is that they are different. Others vary in age, cultural background, country of origin, personality type, communication style, education, family upbringing, jobs, size, shape, gender, opinions, religious orientation, eating habits, punctuality ... the list is long. So how can we tolerate these differences and work and live together in ways that bring out the best in each of us... and ensure productive teams and happy relationships? Here are some suggestions...

24-Jan-2001, Number 60: E-mail Communication was meant to be easy! By Rachel Green

Remember the days of snail mail, typewriters with carbon paper and even paper and pencils? Now we are bombarded from all sides with e-mails. It was supposed to make life easier. When we're facing a mountain of e-mails though and some of them are not well written it can sour our day. So here are eight tips for excellence in e-mail communication.

10-Jan-2001, Number 59: New Year's Resolutions - But it's hard ... By Rachel Green

Happy New Year. New Year is the time of resolutions and I wonder what you have promised yourself this year? Will it be a new diet? To stop spending so much money? To reduce your anxiety? To seek help with a problem you've got? To stop working so hard? To spend more time with your children? The list is endless. Let me know what you've promised - it could inspire others.

13-Dec-2000, Number 58: Reducing irritation and enjoying Christmas despite the people you meet. By Rachel Green

Many of us find that we can be irritated by other people, including those we have to work with, live with or meet. Christmas time is a peak time for irritation and anger, whether it's caused by things said at staff Christmas parties, having to face the uncle who infuriates us at Christmas dinner or the people we meet in the Christmas shopping rush. Worse still some of us have to deal with people we strongly dislike or hate, whom we simply don't get on with or who "make" us furious. Sadly our irritation may affect our interactions, relationships and work. As we carry these irritations, hatred or anger around they end up hurting us as much as the other person. Yet Christmas is meant to be a time of good cheer. Fortunately there are ways to achieve this...

29-Nov-2000, Number 57: Introducing Yourself by Rachel Green

It is the season for Christmas functions to start. Sometimes one of the hardest things for people to do, and especially for those who are a little shy or introverted, is to introduce themselves to people they don't know. This could be at a Christmas cocktail party, a staff function or even a friend's wedding. Sometimes when people try an introduction, despite their best intentions, it falls flat and conversation becomes awkward. So here are some tips on what to avoid when introducing yourself and tips on what to do ...

01-Nov-2000, Number 55: The Silent Treatment By Rachel Green

Many of us, find ourselves getting hurt in relationships. We become sensitive to particular kinds of comments, get angry at passing remarks, or clam up and go silent because of something that is said or not said, done or not done. However, going silent can be deadly in a relationship both at home and at work. It hurts the person who has withdrawn. It hurts the people around the silent person. It is not easy for anyone. Both men and women go silent. A black cloud can follow either gender around. Is there a way out?

Yes! Lets look at one example I heard about recently and see what could have helped.

18-Oct-2000, Number 54: Understanding what triggers your stress and anxiety - by Rachel Green

People get anxious about different things. There is no one thing that we all fear - although death, taxes and public speaking are said to be quite high on the list for most! However, life is more complex than that and what produces anxiety and stress in us is influenced by many factors, including our family background, our childhood experiences and our personality. Knowing about our personalities in-depth can in fact explain a great deal about the things we like and don't like, what triggers our stress buttons, what strange things we do when we are stressed and what beats up our anxiety levels.

04-Oct-2000, Number 53: "But I don't want to hurt their feelings ..."

How often have you done something that you really didn't want to because you didn't like to say "No" or hurt someone's feelings? If you've ever done this ... read on!

21-Sep-2000, Number 52: Sincerity and Customer Service - do they go together? by Rachel Green

Last year we visited a roadhouse for petrol and food. Four of us, two international visitors and two of us from Perth were on holiday, travelling north to see Western Australia's splendid wildflowers. When we went into the roadhouse we asked, "Could we have some chips please?" What do you think was the answer ...

06-Sep-2000, Number 51: Passion and Purpose: What's your contribution?

I've just had the good fortune to spend time with an inspiring man. You may have heard him speak on the radio, or been in one of his audiences. His name is Eric McCrum. He speaks about Australia's natural history with an excitement and passion which is attention grabbing, unforgettable and inspiring. So much so that he transforms people's lives. He's made a big impact on mine and he's left me wondering what is my passion? What is my purpose? And what impact would I most like to have on other people's lives? I hope by the end of this you'll be asking yourself the same questions.

09-Aug-2000, Number 49: Be proud of your age

Our local newspaper recently ran an article saying people were past their use-by date career-wise once they were 40 years old. I was amazed at such arrogance. With people living longer and longer the concept that people over 40 don't add value to the work force any more is ridiculous. At the age of 40 some people still have 40 more years to contribute. I wondered what age the people writing the article and making such bold statements were. Then I started looking around to see if it was true ...

26-Jul-2000, Number 48: Stop the world - I want to get off

One of our Reflections Readers has written and said, "Help. I'm too busy, how do I find time to stop the world and take a rest?" It's a question many of us ask. As our world gets more global, as information technology makes it easier to gain more and more information, as we are asked to fit more into a working day - sometimes it barely seems as though our feet touch the floor. So how can we take care of ourselves and still do everything else? Here are 5 steps to help you do this ...

12-Jul-2000, Number 47: Funny things I've noticed when we communicate

Awareness is all that is sometimes necessary to turn us from being reasonable communicators into superb ones. Sometimes we simply don't realise what we do to irritate, confuse or put-off other people. If we listen to ourselves, ask for feedback or tape record ourselves however we can make fast progress. Here are some of the funny things that I've noticed myself and other people do non-verbally. Do you know whether you do them too?

31-May-2000, Number 44: Getting on top of conversations

Being able to chat comfortably with people is a fundamental skill essential for doing business, building personal relationships with friends and family, and feeling socially competent and confident. So here are some tips for brilliant conversations ...

17-May-2000, Number 43: Do we know how to rest?

Preparing for my wonderful Easter holiday, I was excited about going away. I had a chance of relaxation and nurturing rest for five whole days. When people said, "Where are you going?" I told them I was spending my Easter on a station property (for those of you not in Australia that is a huge farm) about seven hours drive north of Perth. "What on earth is there to do there?" most people responded. "Nothing", I said. "Well what are you going to do?" "Nothing" I said "Won't you get bored?" "No". Why is it so many of us need to do something? Have we lost the ability to rest?

03-May-2000, Number 42: Turning complaints into compliments

Many of us have to communicate with people who are angry, complaining or irritated, whether over the phone or face to face. They may be our partners, our clients, customers, neighbours, teenagers, friends, parents or colleagues - many people get angry at some time. So how can you cope competently and confidently without you getting too hot under the collar in the process and while also impressing the other person? Here are 7 tips for you to try ...

20-Apr-2000, Number 41: Who cares what type you are? (Understanding the J/P difference)

Have you ever had a partner, boss or customer who seems to be deliberately difficult? No matter what you do they want to do it differently? No matter what is suggested you clash? Sometimes these conflicts or irritations are due to differences in our personality types. Here are some examples - do they fit any experiences you've had?

06-Apr-2000, Number 40: Superior Phone Skills

I presently have the privilege of working for three months in one of Perth's major call centres - a helpline for a bank. The level of skill required to handle the vast range of calls received from customers is complex and high and the need to give superior customer service paramount. As we all have to answer and communicate over the phone I thought I'd go through some of the skills we've been working on - in case it helps you too. We'll cover some foundation skills here and look at ways to deal with more complex or difficult calls in future newsletters

23-Mar-2000, Number 39: What price your ethics?

Jon and I have a really strong set of values around loyalty, honesty and fairness in running our business. However, because of this we can lose money and lose business. What role do you think ethics should play in our lives and at work? How would you have dealt with the following situations?

09-Mar-2000, Number 38: Why do people have Midlife confusions?

We had a marvelous Midlife Retreat back in November. Sixteen people spending a whole weekend together, trying to feel better about themselves, find a new direction and to dissolve anxiety, sleeplessness and confusions. But why do people in Midlife need support or feel this way?

24-Feb-2000, Number 37: Are you doing what's important?

Forty-three years old and my friend is dead. It took only 3 months from the initial diagnosis of her illness to her death. It could have been any one of us. She left behind a wonderful husband, three children, a mother and many friends. None of us know when we will die; all we know is that death is inevitable and that our time should therefore be well spent. Are you doing what is important?

10-Feb-2000, Number 36: Let it wash over you like water off a duck's back

It was the T-Shirts that did it! Shirley had gone to a lot of trouble to make some stunning T-Shirts for everyone at work. She'd chosen the design and the colours and paid attention to all the details to make sure that they looked right. All she had to do was give them to the staff - for FREE. Everything was going smoothly and people were praising the T-Shirts. That was until someone complained the T-Shirts didn't have a pocket. She crumpled. She was hurt. She took it personally. Someone had complained about a lack of a pocket. Fair enough - but did she have to be hurt by it?

27-Jan-2000, Number 35: Presenting a sincere welcome

I've just been to a welcoming ceremony of a conference and had the opportunity to compare five speakers who presented. What a difference there was between them. One in particular did nothing to make me feel welcome - another one left me glowing! So what were the differences? Read on ...

13-Jan-2000, Number 34: Thank You

Happy New Year and welcome to a new millenium!

It's summer here in Australia at the moment - a time when temperatures can reach 47� degrees. It's also a new century and an important time to reflect on where we've come from, and where we are going to. It's also a time to express our thanks ...

For what? You might well ask. Well really for anything good that has happened in your life from start to now.

02-Dec-1999, Number 32: Why do we get hurt?

A course participant was recently telling me of a colleague who cried every time she sat and watched the news. She took on the traumas, the tragedies, the war battles as if they were happening to her. She was hooked into someone else's emotions. For some of us it's not tragedy that we get hooked into, it's angry outbursts, negative feedback, criticisms and put downs. Most of us get hurt from time to time but why does it happen and can it be avoided?

04-Nov-1999, Number 30: Communication Habits: What have you learnt from your parents?

I was strolling around a garden nursery wondering which of the marvelous array of plants to buy, when I heard a boy aged about 10 years old ask his mum if he could buy a small punnet of seedlings. "If you must", came the obviously disgruntled reply of his mother, "Just one lot." "OK" he said, bounding away with enthusiasm to decide which ones to get. Finally he found the ones he wanted and bailed up his mother, "Look mum I've found these." "Oh yeah", she said, "But mum, the roots are poking out of the bottom of the container, does it matter?" "I can soon fix that", she said, snatching them off him and ripping the roots off. Handing it back to the boy she declared the problem fixed. "Wow, how did you do that? Did you push them back through the holes?" He asked. "No stupid," she snapped back in a harsh voice, "I ripped them off - it's what should happen to children's legs when they grow." With that she walked off leaving him with his mouth hanging open ...

21-Oct-1999, Number 29: Controversial comments on ageing and beauty!

Nearly every time I see one of my friends she exclaims with great disgust and passion about my hair, "Rachel when are you going to dye your hair? You have grey hair. You look your age."

"Good it gives me credibility," I reply. She starts all over again - "Think how much younger you'd look if you put some colour back in your hair." "But why do I want to look younger - I am happy looking my age? After all I work with people the same age as me or older - why would I want to look younger?" And on we go ... until the next time, when she'll start all over again! Her comments reflect an invasive concern of our society - that we should hide our ageing bodies. If you don't feel comfortable with getting older or how your body looks read on ...

06-Oct-1999, Number 28: Have you got attitude?

The attitude you convey at home, when talking to your friends, family or neighbours, or when serving clients or customers can make or break your relationships. It can also build or destroy your business. It costs nothing to have a positive attitude.

"OK, so it sounds easier than it really is," I hear you saying. I agree, it isn't easy to always convey a positive attitude - however it can certainly be developed if you are willing to work at it.

23-Sep-1999, Number 27: Developing Friendships

Do you have many friends? Are you good at keeping in touch? Do you value the friends you have and enjoy meeting new people?

Here are some tips for those of you who'd like more friends, deeper more satisfying friendships, or would like to help your children learn how to be a good friend.

07-Sep-1999, Number 26: The Keys to Successful Job Interviews

It can be quite disheartening to get to the interview stage, time after time, and still miss out on the job of your dreams. Read on for some tips that will help you secure that job next time ...

26-Aug-1999, Number 25: Extraverts and Introverts: Is talk Cheap or Charming?

One of the biggest misunderstandings in communication appears between people who tend to talk their thoughts out loud (Extraverts) and those who think things through in their heads (Introverts). Are you an Extravert or an Introvert? Here are some tips to identify yourself and get around the differences ...

12-Aug-1999, Number 24: Gender Blunders

Ever said something and wished that you'd not opened your mouth? It's so easy to do isn't it? Can it be avoided? Sometimes it can!

Read on for tips to help you avoid some types of Gender Blunders!

15-Jul-1999, Number 22: How to have a long and happy relationship

I've just celebrated my silver wedding anniversary. Some people cannot imagine being with the same person for 25 years. There are lots of ways to create a happy marriage. I thought I'd ask my husband what he thought were the secrets for a successful partnership. We both share our thoughts with you on how we've stayed happy for 25 years ...

17-Jun-1999, Number 20: Tips for Travellers and Customer Service

There is so much information around about the value of good customer service and how to provide it. It seems though that the messages are not getting through to some people.

Bad word of mouth marketing goes a long way to ensure that people will go elsewhere. This weeks newsletter covers various ways of losing customers.

07-May-1999, Number 17: Juggling life's Pressures and Staying Sane.

Ever felt that you have no time for yourself? That life is just too frantic to fit the things in that you'd really like to do? Are you missing out on sleep, exercise or a healthy diet because of time pressures? If so here are some tips to help you keep your head above water.

25-Apr-1999, Number 16: Personality Clashes Resolved: When Feeling Meets Thinking!

Have you ever finished a conversation dismayed or irritated by the way it turned out? Have you ever made a seemingly trivial comment only for it to blow out of all proportion and develop into conflict? By learning about your differences you can grab control of your interactions and gain more harmony...

08-Apr-1999, Number 15: Attend fully for better listening

Developing better listening skills is vital! It actually takes effort and a commitment to attend to be able to listen well. It also requires a knowledge of what it is that you are listening for. Read on further for some tips on how to enhance your conversations by being a better listener ...

18-Mar-1999, Number 14: Keeping Your Head Above Water

It is important to care for others. However, in order to care you need to be able to look after yourself and be objective. We all lead such busy lives, with increasing pressures all around us. Becoming emotionally caught up by others' emotions adds to the pressure. Remember the more you take things personally the harder it is to stay in balance and once you're hooked in it's harder to keep your perspective of what is happening and what is important ...

18-Feb-1999, Number 12: Are Intentions Important?

Why do we say the things we do? Why do we respond in the way we do? What is our purpose when we communicate? How does this affect the success of our communication? These aren't a simple set of questions. I want you to think about your intentions. Your intentions when you communicate and the intentions you perceive in someone else's communication. Some examples of what I mean are detailed below.

04-Feb-1999, Number 11: Winning People Over

We've had a request from New Zealand, to know more about how to win people over and persuade them to sponsor a conference. Thanks Coral. This is a very specific application but aspects which might help you win people over in various situations are described in more detail below. Some of these aspects include: saying, "What's in it for them", asking questions and being able to relate to people. There are many ways you can be persuasive, we've just listed a few to be getting on with.

07-Jan-1999, Number 9: Sunday afternoon conversations - gone wrong!

Conversations form the basis for successful business negotiations, the establishment of long-term relationships and the building of friendships. If people are willing to share something about themselves - be gentle with what they say, respect it and show interest in it by encouraging them to elaborate. Picture this: a pleasant Sunday afternoon get together - nothing serious. You'd think conversation would be easy. Yet even in this situation it was obvious who had conversational skills that worked and who didn't.

17-Dec-1998, Number 8: Sensates and Intuitives: Maybe they're not being deliberately difficult?

At the end of the "Ironing Out Your Differences" course recently, one of the participants told the group that she was determined to be more tolerant of other people and more tolerant of other people's differences. It made my day. If we were all more tolerant and understanding of the way in which people are different then our interactions and relationships would prosper, customer service would be less stressful, and our festive celebrations would be more satisfying. So how can we do this?

03-Dec-1998, Number 7: How to keep customers and get good service.

Christmas is fast approaching and if you celebrate Christmas you have probably been doing your Christmas shopping, making trips to the bank, phoning suppliers ... and having contact with people running businesses. I wonder how you've been treated?

Recently I've been getting the impression that customers are considered to be deceitful and stupid. So here are some tips on building your business, (whether you're a sole trader or a member of a large corporation) through better customer service, with extra tips to help you if you're the customer!

17-Nov-1998, Number 6: The man who spoke to the chickens before he spoke to hundreds.

We spoke in the last newsletter about presentation skills and have just received a wonderful letter from Terry Carling. I thought you'd enjoy his letter, unedited.

"I had somehow volunteered myself to be MC at my children's school for its 21st Anniversary on the 24th and for a Formal Blessing and Opening Ceremony on Sunday the 25th.

I was getting more apprehensive as the months were getting closer. They were such important events for Good Shepherd Primary School. I not only didn't want to make a fool of myself but felt the organising committee, school community Principal and staff were dependent upon me.

23-Oct-1998, Number 4: Christmas Chat is even Closer

In newsletter number 2 we talked about ways to prepare for and start up conversations. Conversations are the cornerstone of Christmas functions, relationships and business negotiations. Being able to confidently conduct a conversation which is interesting and easy is a great skill to have. The good news is it can be learnt and people can still be good at conversations even when they are shy or quiet! It is just a matter of knowing what does and what does not work. So here are some more tips.

09-Oct-1998, Number 3: Life's changes - Cope with confidence!

I’ve just recently finished conducting a course "Midlife - Finding Meaning in the Madness" and another one on "Calmly Coping with Job Change". What amazing times we’ve had! We all realised that life, at any age, is constantly changing, and having some skills for coping can make all the difference to how we feel about ourselves.

28-Sep-1998, Number 2: Christmas Chats Start Soon!

The rounds of Christmas parties will be starting soon. For some of us it is a time of fun and excitement, good conversations and great networking opportunities. For others of us it is a chore. We find small-talk difficult and end up getting stuck in boring conversations, experiencing awkward silences or being left with one person for the whole night. So I thought we would start talking about small-talk skills in this newsletter so by the time it is Christmas you can be assured of having some good conversations!

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