Ten Tips for Talking with Ageing Parents, by Rachel Green

1. Love them.
   Love them and tell then you love them. Don't leave it unspoken. It's the important first step which makes everything else possible.
   

2. Put quality time aside for them.
   Be in regular contact whether it is in person, by phone, by letter or e-mail. Do not be too busy to visit or to be in contact.
   

3. Talk with them about their lives.
   Talk with them about their lives. Record their stories. Reminisce together - you may be surprised what memories you rediscover, what details they can fill in that you have forgotten, what interesting reflections they have on their childhoods and yours.
   

4. Make up for anything in the past that hasn't gone well.
   Develop a good relationship with them if you have not been able to do this before. Take the courage to ask questions and to make comments about any times you are still bitter about, that you regret, that you feel angry about. Be curious about hearing their side of the story. Spending time sorting out any unfinished business with your parents before they die means you may find more contentment and intimacy in your final years together and fewer regrets when they die.
   

5. Thank them.
   Thank them for the good times you had as a child and specify what they were - do it now while you have time together. Tell them what you learnt from them. Tell them what you value about the upbringing they gave you.
   

6. Be able to say "no, thank you" nicely.
   Sometimes ageing parents can appear manipulative or too demanding. Be willing to state your limits. Have boundaries. Don't be at their constant beck and call if their requests are endless, unrealistic or petty. (We practise ways to say "no, thank you" nicely in both the "Being Taken Seriously" workshop if you want to learn the skills needed to do this.)
   

7. Speak clearly
   If they are hard of hearing speak clearly and slightly more slowly but without exaggerating your speech. Do not yell - this distorts your speech and raises the pitch of your voice. You might increase the volume of your voice slighty but keep the pitch down - higher pitches can sometimes be the hardest to hear. Make sure they can see your face and that your face is well lit.
   

8. Be willing to talk about their health
   Don't let your parents worry in silence. Be an ear for their concerns. It may also be helpful to go with them when they attend medical apppointments if they are shy of asking Doctors the important questions. Some of our parents still put Doctors on pedestals and just do what they are told, instead of finding out vital information such as the side effects of drugs, the cause of symptoms, and the prognosis for their problems. Help them ask the right questions and find out the information.
   

9. Talk about death with them.
   Talk about their attitudes towards dying, about the funerals they wish for, about how they want to spend the last days of their lives, about anything they want to do before they die.
   

10. Express your feelings.
    If you are caring for your parents you may run through a whole range of feelings from despair, guilt, anger, irritation, bewilderment, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, anxiety, shock, numbness. Find ways to express these without burdening your parents with them.
    

Further information

There are more ideas on coping with ageing parents in the book: "Midlife And Happiness".

If you would like me to speak to your group on issues for people aged 40 - 65 years please contact me. There are more details available on my background: Rachel

May you enjoy your parents!
Best wishes,
Rachel Green
PO Box 344, Kelmscott, Western Australia 6991.
Phone: +61 8 9390 1188. Fax +61 8 9390 1199
E-mail: