Ten Tips on helping your elderly parents: Sorting through possessions, by Rachel Green.

1. Do not rush your elderly parents - go at their pace not yours.
   Elderly parents may be slower than you'd like to sort out their ideas, to walk, to make decisions. This is all right. It means that we need patience, the ability to pause, to wait, to allow time - without irritation, without pushing. Allow their pace rather than forcing your pace whenever possible - and only at selected times bring the time to closure. Trying to go more quickly may add bewilderment and stress. So whatever your task, plan for more time than you think you'll need. Then you can both enjoy the time together.
   

2. Treat their belongings with respect and dignity.
   If your parents are moving from their own homes or units into residential homes or nursing homes they will need to sort through their belongings. They will need to decide which items to take and which they need to let go of. It is not an easy process for them when many of their possessions hold the history of their lives. As you go through their possessions encourage them to make the decisions rather than your doing it for them. Also, as you look at or touch their possessions, do so without judgement or disapproval even when they are broken, dirty or out-of-date. This means not even wrinkling up your nose. Be kind, someone may need to sort through your possessions one day.
   

3. Choose your words carefully - be gentle and positive.
   Be positive in the words that you use to describe their possessions and the process you are working through. For example, instead of using the word "clutter" change it to "belongings" or "possessions". Instead of using the term "get rid of it" use "give away" or "leave for someone else". Instead of saying to "the home", say to "your new home".
   

4. Don't correct errors.
   There is no need to tell your parents they are wrong or have made mistakes. There is no need to draw it to their attention. If they make an error, fail to answer your question or wander off the topic to a memory or an irrelevant topic, gently refocus without corrections. Don't be impatient or cynical with them.
   

5. Vary the level of confrontation and challenge.
   Moving from a house into one room in a residential or nursing home can mean a huge number of possessions must be left behind. This can naturally be distressing and bewildering. If you tackle too many possessions that have to be let go of at one time you may make the whole process too upsetting. Alternate between sorting out possessions what can be kept, those that are optional and those that cannot be taken.
   

6. Allow them to tell their memories.
   When a possession evokes a memory, allow the memory.Memories are an important part of the process of letting go and moving on. Allow them, listen to them and only then gently refocus. These memories are important, even if the object clearly has to be let go of. Learn from their memories and enjoy them.
   

7. Show appreciation for anything given to you.
   If your parents do give you something, don't take it for granted - thank them and show appreciation, it helps them to let go and feel good. You might even send them a thank you card later or write a thank you letter.
   

8. Allow them to do it their way.
   Your parents may have other people they would like their possessions to go to, a friend, or a god-child for example, or they may wish to give items away to their church or favourite charity. Let go of your own desire for their possessions and carry out their wishes graciously. It may not be easy when it is something of theirs that you'd treasure.
   

9. Pack all items carefully.
   Treat all their possessions with respect and pack them as you would your own fragile treasured possessions. Make sure they all arrive in one piece. This could take a huge amount of newspaper!
   

10. Allow them to sort out their new room.
    Once all their possessions have arrived safely, help them to unpack. Then encourage them to decide where they would most like each item to go, even if you think it would look better somewhere else. You can always suggest an alternative for them to consider. However, resist the temptation to insist or "know best".
    

Further information

There are inspiring stories on coping with ageing parents in the book: "Midlife and Happiness".

May you enjoy your parents!
Best wishes,
Rachel Green
PO Box 344, Kelmscott, Western Australia 6991.
Phone: +61 8 9390 1188. Fax +61 8 9390 1199
E-mail:

Please note: The information in this article is in no way a substitute for professional advice and may not always apply in individual circumstances.